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[braced]

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[squelch]

sorry, i know this isn't such a happy way to start a conversation, but about hojoon? or anything else?

[braced]

yes, about hojoon

[squelch]

i don't really know what to say to help him. it's not just that, though that's more than enough on its own. it feels like he's having a hard time lately and i'm worried i'm not helping.

[braced]

what makes you think you arent helping?

[squelch]

in part because i keep bringing difficult things to him. i know that's not bad in itself! it just feels like there's been a lot i needed to talk about lately. and he's the one i go to.

now he's going through this, too, and i don't know if i reacted really well. i'm sorry to say this, but i was kind of upset at hojoon. i understand why things happened the way they did and it's not like he was in the wrong or anything, but i guess i felt protective of kwang. especially because of the other stuff i mentioned.

[braced]

but he's come to you too, right?

ah, well. i dont think that would make it harder on him.

[squelch]

just about this, really. the other things were all me.

you don't? i really want to give him my best, you know? the best of me. i don't want to be a cause for unhappiness. not for him or you or anyone.

[braced]

i dont think its a bad thing he might not have had much to talk about. and he came to you when he needed you. im sure hes happy to be there for you

i dont know. maybe that was what he needed to hear, someone frustrated at joon. because that wasnt going to be me, you know?

[squelch]

you're right. listen to me! i'm not trying to dump stuff on you, too. i really just wanted to ask if you thought there's something we could do for him. since we're his boyfriends. we don't talk about that much, but we're on the same page about him being happy, right?

it's hard. i really don't want to say it's not right, what he did. but i don't understand it. does it make sense to you?

[braced]

of course we are. im not sure there's anything except being here for him. maybe making him a nice dinner or something

yes. because i know hojoon. i think he's wrong in thinking his love is limited. but i know why he thinks that and why he made this decision

[squelch]

oh, that's a good idea! a nice dinner. maybe something relaxing after?

i wish i knew him better. not just because of this! but because he's important to you and kwang and jin. i think we might be really different people.

[braced]

what do you think hed like

hmm, yeah. you are. you might not understand. but he means well

[squelch]

maybe a nice bath? a massage? some quiet so he can enjoy his book!

i promise i'm trying to believe that as best i can. i really, really am. and i'm trying not to be upset or sad or anything like that.

[ The words he is swallowing back right now, about being scared of telling someone how you feel and it going poorly, of feeling insecure because you have all this love and don't know how to share it in the best way, of not knowing how to make the lives of people you love better... ]

it's hard.

[braced]

all three would be nice

you dont really have to tell me how hard it is not to be mad at my boyfriend

[squelch]

i think we could make that happen, right?

i'm sorry. i didn't mean to make it weigh heavier on you. i'm really sorry. you've had to carry a lot here yourself. i should've thought of that.

[braced]

yeah, i think its a feasible feat

its fine. i dont really know what im supposed to do or say. im upset kwang is hurt. but i cant get mad at hojoon. that would be like getting mad at someone for not having feelings for someone else.

[squelch]

easily doable for the likes of us.

i know that. it sounds ridiculous even just reading it. of course you can't get upset with someone for that. it's not his fault or anything he should be blamed for or anything i have a right to get upset about...

i guess i'm more upset with myself. and i shouldn't be venting it like this at all, so i'm sorry! really, i am. i just want to do what i can to help everyone be happy.

[braced]

you can be upset, just...

on kwangs behalf you know. about kwang. it sucks. it hurts. but hojoon isnt doing this on purpose. i would rather he do this now than after trying and it didnt work. then kwang's heart would be infinitely more broken.

are you upset at yourself for being mad?

[squelch]

that's true. i think that would really make me upset for kwang.

maybe it makes me a little confused? i'm not sure exactly what to call the feeling.

i think i'm upset with myself for not knowing what to do and for feeling like i made things harder than they had to be. i've been doing that a lot lately...

[braced]

i dont think you have

kwang would let you know if you were making things worse, i think. nicely, too. he wouldnt even make you feel bad about yourself

have you told him you feel this way

[squelch]

you're right, he would. he'd be so gentle.

sort of? a little. there's something i keep asking his advice on and he knows i haven't done anything about it, so every time i bring it up, i think i get onto this train.

and i talked to him. about family. about kids. and i think it came out then, too. a little. that i worry i'm hurting him?

[braced]

what did he say about? about you hurting him? i think its something you need to see with him

but im sure if you were, he would tell you

[squelch]

you're right about that, too. and i'm pretty sure i knew that. he would've said something, i know he would've.

i don't really know what's wrong with me. only that it's keeping me from helping him.

[braced]

is it the situation with hojoon specifically?

[squelch]

no, i don't think so. other things, too. i think i would've done better about that, about hojoon, if i hadn't let other things get in my head. or something like that.