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easily doable for the likes of us.

i know that. it sounds ridiculous even just reading it. of course you can't get upset with someone for that. it's not his fault or anything he should be blamed for or anything i have a right to get upset about...

i guess i'm more upset with myself. and i shouldn't be venting it like this at all, so i'm sorry! really, i am. i just want to do what i can to help everyone be happy.

you can be upset, just...

on kwangs behalf you know. about kwang. it sucks. it hurts. but hojoon isnt doing this on purpose. i would rather he do this now than after trying and it didnt work. then kwang's heart would be infinitely more broken.

are you upset at yourself for being mad?

that's true. i think that would really make me upset for kwang.

maybe it makes me a little confused? i'm not sure exactly what to call the feeling.

i think i'm upset with myself for not knowing what to do and for feeling like i made things harder than they had to be. i've been doing that a lot lately...

i dont think you have

kwang would let you know if you were making things worse, i think. nicely, too. he wouldnt even make you feel bad about yourself

have you told him you feel this way

you're right, he would. he'd be so gentle.

sort of? a little. there's something i keep asking his advice on and he knows i haven't done anything about it, so every time i bring it up, i think i get onto this train.

and i talked to him. about family. about kids. and i think it came out then, too. a little. that i worry i'm hurting him?

what did he say about? about you hurting him? i think its something you need to see with him

but im sure if you were, he would tell you

you're right about that, too. and i'm pretty sure i knew that. he would've said something, i know he would've.

i don't really know what's wrong with me. only that it's keeping me from helping him.

is it the situation with hojoon specifically?

no, i don't think so. other things, too. i think i would've done better about that, about hojoon, if i hadn't let other things get in my head. or something like that.

so its those other things in your head that are a problem?

i think so. i'm letting the unresolved things get in the way! that's it. maybe i just need to say things clearly and figure out what to do after that. if i clear my own head, maybe i can help him more!

that makes sense... its weighing on you so its holding you back

if i do something to address it, that means i won't bug kwang with it so much. and maybe i'll feel less unsettled about what to do to help him.

and stop bugging you about it too! i really just wanted to text you about doing something nice for kwang, i promise. sorry.

that sounds right, i think

youre not bugging me. its okay.

i guess i'll have to think about it. it's obviously something that's tough for me, or else i would've just done it, right? and not bothered kwang so much! aside from the fact that i was being such a pain to him, it's sort of funny in hindsight.

thank you, junsu. you're very patient.

theres no real rush, is there? you can figure it out, seaweed

its okay. i know what its like to have a lot going on and it just needs to go somewhere

thanks for encouraging me! i'll do my best and hopefully get it out there soon.

i hope.

has that happened to you a lot? getting a little overwhelmed?

i hope you can.

yeah... i get overwhelmed easily. i might not show it, i guess. but little things add up that make me nervous and then it throws off everything

can i ask you about that? you don't have to answer, but do you notice those little things while they're sort of piling up?

or is it surprising when it gets to the place where it's overwhelming?

i dont know... i feel like i think i can handle everything until i cant anymore. theres been a lot of changes lately, and it piles up. myung and dal, minsu and sage and the baby, kwang and hojoon maybe trying things, hojoon not... not seeing things the right way

you're right, there have been a lot of changes. it's hard to know how to look at one thing at a time when everything's rushing at us all the sudden. or feels that way?

if one thing falls over, it's easy enough to reach for it and pick it up, but eventually you run out of hands.

yeah. they're big on their own and bigger combined, i guess? and some of them have a more long lasting effect. i have to make sure hojoon understands i love him as much as kwang and that i dont love him less, i have to make sure kwang is okay now and that hojoon is too because they're both upset, and everything with minsu and sage

i try to keep up and not get in anyones way. i do my best

you're worrying about lots of things. and i can see why. they're people you love, so you want them to be well and happy.

i don't know if i have good advice. i really wish i did. i guess the only thing i know to say is make sure you remember you're part of the picture too. it's probably a good idea to be selfish about your own feelings sometimes.

yeah. i do

its okay. i think i can figure it out. i was just... upset to learn all this time hojoon saw our relationship differently than i did, and im not sure how to make him really see it the way it actually is for me. i dont know that he can understand, so i want to focus on us two to make him see it the best i can

that is tough. i don't mean this in a bad way about him, i promise, it's hard for anyone, right? hard to understand what you don't understand, basically.

if you thought things were one way and he thought another, or even if you didn't know you thought those things, as long as nothing happened that would make you look at the way the other one felt, it wouldn't be weird if you didn't know, right?

not sure that made sense. it did in my head.

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braced - 2019-03-07 17:01 (UTC) - Expand

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squelch - 2019-03-07 18:26 (UTC) - Expand