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[braced]

Comments

[squelch]

oh, that's a good idea! a nice dinner. maybe something relaxing after?

i wish i knew him better. not just because of this! but because he's important to you and kwang and jin. i think we might be really different people.

[braced]

what do you think hed like

hmm, yeah. you are. you might not understand. but he means well

[squelch]

maybe a nice bath? a massage? some quiet so he can enjoy his book!

i promise i'm trying to believe that as best i can. i really, really am. and i'm trying not to be upset or sad or anything like that.

[ The words he is swallowing back right now, about being scared of telling someone how you feel and it going poorly, of feeling insecure because you have all this love and don't know how to share it in the best way, of not knowing how to make the lives of people you love better... ]

it's hard.

[braced]

all three would be nice

you dont really have to tell me how hard it is not to be mad at my boyfriend

[squelch]

i think we could make that happen, right?

i'm sorry. i didn't mean to make it weigh heavier on you. i'm really sorry. you've had to carry a lot here yourself. i should've thought of that.

[braced]

yeah, i think its a feasible feat

its fine. i dont really know what im supposed to do or say. im upset kwang is hurt. but i cant get mad at hojoon. that would be like getting mad at someone for not having feelings for someone else.

[squelch]

easily doable for the likes of us.

i know that. it sounds ridiculous even just reading it. of course you can't get upset with someone for that. it's not his fault or anything he should be blamed for or anything i have a right to get upset about...

i guess i'm more upset with myself. and i shouldn't be venting it like this at all, so i'm sorry! really, i am. i just want to do what i can to help everyone be happy.

[braced]

you can be upset, just...

on kwangs behalf you know. about kwang. it sucks. it hurts. but hojoon isnt doing this on purpose. i would rather he do this now than after trying and it didnt work. then kwang's heart would be infinitely more broken.

are you upset at yourself for being mad?

[squelch]

that's true. i think that would really make me upset for kwang.

maybe it makes me a little confused? i'm not sure exactly what to call the feeling.

i think i'm upset with myself for not knowing what to do and for feeling like i made things harder than they had to be. i've been doing that a lot lately...

[braced]

i dont think you have

kwang would let you know if you were making things worse, i think. nicely, too. he wouldnt even make you feel bad about yourself

have you told him you feel this way

[squelch]

you're right, he would. he'd be so gentle.

sort of? a little. there's something i keep asking his advice on and he knows i haven't done anything about it, so every time i bring it up, i think i get onto this train.

and i talked to him. about family. about kids. and i think it came out then, too. a little. that i worry i'm hurting him?

[braced]

what did he say about? about you hurting him? i think its something you need to see with him

but im sure if you were, he would tell you

[squelch]

you're right about that, too. and i'm pretty sure i knew that. he would've said something, i know he would've.

i don't really know what's wrong with me. only that it's keeping me from helping him.

[braced]

is it the situation with hojoon specifically?

[squelch]

no, i don't think so. other things, too. i think i would've done better about that, about hojoon, if i hadn't let other things get in my head. or something like that.

[braced]

so its those other things in your head that are a problem?

[squelch]

i think so. i'm letting the unresolved things get in the way! that's it. maybe i just need to say things clearly and figure out what to do after that. if i clear my own head, maybe i can help him more!

[braced]

that makes sense... its weighing on you so its holding you back

[squelch]

if i do something to address it, that means i won't bug kwang with it so much. and maybe i'll feel less unsettled about what to do to help him.

and stop bugging you about it too! i really just wanted to text you about doing something nice for kwang, i promise. sorry.

[braced]

that sounds right, i think

youre not bugging me. its okay.

[squelch]

i guess i'll have to think about it. it's obviously something that's tough for me, or else i would've just done it, right? and not bothered kwang so much! aside from the fact that i was being such a pain to him, it's sort of funny in hindsight.

thank you, junsu. you're very patient.

[braced]

theres no real rush, is there? you can figure it out, seaweed

its okay. i know what its like to have a lot going on and it just needs to go somewhere

[squelch]

thanks for encouraging me! i'll do my best and hopefully get it out there soon.

i hope.

has that happened to you a lot? getting a little overwhelmed?

[braced]

i hope you can.

yeah... i get overwhelmed easily. i might not show it, i guess. but little things add up that make me nervous and then it throws off everything

[squelch]

can i ask you about that? you don't have to answer, but do you notice those little things while they're sort of piling up?

or is it surprising when it gets to the place where it's overwhelming?