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No, baby, it's not...
[ not childish at all. kwang is entitled to feel hurt. it would be childish if he was angry at junsu for it, childish if he tried to hurt joon back for it. but kwang is too good a person to do either of these things.
junsu rubs his back, up and down. ]
It's okay. Of course you're sad. And you can talk to me about it, okay?
[ it's true that thinking about someone he loves hurting the other person he loves isn't a good feeling, but this isn't about him in the first place. he knew kwang and hojoon had to figure it out themselves, and he's going to keep loving them both for having done so. ]
I don't think you made it too difficult. It's good, for him to think about that, right? And figure out something new about himself. Just wish... it didn't mean you got hurt.
[ not childish at all. kwang is entitled to feel hurt. it would be childish if he was angry at junsu for it, childish if he tried to hurt joon back for it. but kwang is too good a person to do either of these things.
junsu rubs his back, up and down. ]
It's okay. Of course you're sad. And you can talk to me about it, okay?
[ it's true that thinking about someone he loves hurting the other person he loves isn't a good feeling, but this isn't about him in the first place. he knew kwang and hojoon had to figure it out themselves, and he's going to keep loving them both for having done so. ]
I don't think you made it too difficult. It's good, for him to think about that, right? And figure out something new about himself. Just wish... it didn't mean you got hurt.
I'm not sure there is much to say.
[ That's not true. There's plenty to unpack, probably, on both sides. Junsu might have to carry both weights, but at least he'd get to know the full story.
Kwang drapes an arm around Junsu, slides a leg between his boyfriend's, anchoring himself. ]
I went to speak to him, and he said that he doesn't think he can give me what I want. Because you come first, and he'll always love you more. Which, I understand, and I already knew. But I think he'd prefer give me nothing than give me what he considers to be not enough.
[ He pauses, throat clicking when he swallows. ]
I won't jeopardize anything, so I'll just back off. It's better, I don't want anything to get weird between the two of you. I'll be fine. [ He lets out a low chuckle. ] I didn't think this would happen to me ever again.
[ That's not true. There's plenty to unpack, probably, on both sides. Junsu might have to carry both weights, but at least he'd get to know the full story.
Kwang drapes an arm around Junsu, slides a leg between his boyfriend's, anchoring himself. ]
I went to speak to him, and he said that he doesn't think he can give me what I want. Because you come first, and he'll always love you more. Which, I understand, and I already knew. But I think he'd prefer give me nothing than give me what he considers to be not enough.
[ He pauses, throat clicking when he swallows. ]
I won't jeopardize anything, so I'll just back off. It's better, I don't want anything to get weird between the two of you. I'll be fine. [ He lets out a low chuckle. ] I didn't think this would happen to me ever again.
[ as kwang tangles them up further, junsu makes sure to keep him close. if this is what kwang needs right now, he wants to give it his all. it's hard to know what to do, what to say. he's hardly had relationships that were so open and communicative and understanding before.
he wants to be as good to kwang as kwang is good to him, all while maintaining things with hojoon so he doesn't feel so guilty it taints everything.
they can do it. junsu has faith in kwang, hojoon, and himself. the kind of faith he wouldn't have had half a year ago. ]
He's a little all or nothing, isn't he?
[ junsu kisses kwang's forehead again, and then reaches a hand to card it through his hair. ]
It won't get weird. Do what you need to do, whatever it takes to make you feel better. [ he trusts kwang. he knows kwang wouldn't be horrible to joon for this. so he feels safe telling him he can do anything and whatever he needs so this doesn't hurt as much. ]
It's not you, you know. You're perfect. We talked before, once... I don't think he gets this. How you can love more than one person.
he wants to be as good to kwang as kwang is good to him, all while maintaining things with hojoon so he doesn't feel so guilty it taints everything.
they can do it. junsu has faith in kwang, hojoon, and himself. the kind of faith he wouldn't have had half a year ago. ]
He's a little all or nothing, isn't he?
[ junsu kisses kwang's forehead again, and then reaches a hand to card it through his hair. ]
It won't get weird. Do what you need to do, whatever it takes to make you feel better. [ he trusts kwang. he knows kwang wouldn't be horrible to joon for this. so he feels safe telling him he can do anything and whatever he needs so this doesn't hurt as much. ]
It's not you, you know. You're perfect. We talked before, once... I don't think he gets this. How you can love more than one person.
[ Hopefully, Junsu is getting used to it. Because Kwang wants to privilege their communication, over anything else. They've had enough stumbles in the journey, by not communicating. Not anymore.
Kwang tiptoes his fingers up and down Junsu's spine, feeling his heart slot back into place as his boyfriend holds him. It feels right, and it allows Kwang to think a little clearer again. ]
Mm. Not just a little. And he's all in for you, which I can't begrudge him.
[ He really can't. ] I'll really be fine. I do want to be his friend, I'll just need - a little time, to process and move on. You know how I am.
[ Kwang doesn't stay angry, or sad for extended periods of times. It only took him a few days to process and talk things out before he was back to Junsu, when they had their breakdown. He's sure he'll be back to normal shortly in this situation, too.
At Junsu's words, he frowns a little, worried. ]
Is he okay with us, then, if he doesn't get it? Does he think you love one of us more than the other? Because I know - [ Kwang shuffles just a bit, to be able to be face to face with Junsu, his free hand cupping his jaw. ] - I know you give us both everything. But I imagine that worries you.
[ After their big talk, in the treehouse, Kwang has learned a number of new things, after all. He's understanding the way Junsu thinks a little better every day. ]
Kwang tiptoes his fingers up and down Junsu's spine, feeling his heart slot back into place as his boyfriend holds him. It feels right, and it allows Kwang to think a little clearer again. ]
Mm. Not just a little. And he's all in for you, which I can't begrudge him.
[ He really can't. ] I'll really be fine. I do want to be his friend, I'll just need - a little time, to process and move on. You know how I am.
[ Kwang doesn't stay angry, or sad for extended periods of times. It only took him a few days to process and talk things out before he was back to Junsu, when they had their breakdown. He's sure he'll be back to normal shortly in this situation, too.
At Junsu's words, he frowns a little, worried. ]
Is he okay with us, then, if he doesn't get it? Does he think you love one of us more than the other? Because I know - [ Kwang shuffles just a bit, to be able to be face to face with Junsu, his free hand cupping his jaw. ] - I know you give us both everything. But I imagine that worries you.
[ After their big talk, in the treehouse, Kwang has learned a number of new things, after all. He's understanding the way Junsu thinks a little better every day. ]
[ it's an amazing thing to feel so special to someone that they don't think they can share it with anyone else, but it's not so amazing when it's at the cost of a loved one being hurt. it's conflicting. hojoon loves him, but kwang was hoping to have something special with hojoon too, and junsu can't say he isn't sad kwang won't get to experience that. ]
You'll tell me, if things get harder, or weird? [ kwang says he'll be fine, but things might change. maybe his feelings will turn, and maybe seeing joon, or seeing junsu with joon, will change things. he wants kwang to know that's okay. that he'd rather know so he can help. ] I do know how you are. Kind, and patient, and the best friend he'd ever could have.
[ junsu blinks and looks into kwang's beautiful face. he doesn't like to think of hojoon not being okay with this, because he wouldn't know what to do. not at all. he would be so lost and heartbroken and he would see no way out of this that didn't hurt someone. he hopes hojoon understands now. ]
I think maybe this taught him that he's not like this and that's why he doesn't get it. So I hope... I hope he knows I'm different and that's why it works, why I love you both the same.
You'll tell me, if things get harder, or weird? [ kwang says he'll be fine, but things might change. maybe his feelings will turn, and maybe seeing joon, or seeing junsu with joon, will change things. he wants kwang to know that's okay. that he'd rather know so he can help. ] I do know how you are. Kind, and patient, and the best friend he'd ever could have.
[ junsu blinks and looks into kwang's beautiful face. he doesn't like to think of hojoon not being okay with this, because he wouldn't know what to do. not at all. he would be so lost and heartbroken and he would see no way out of this that didn't hurt someone. he hopes hojoon understands now. ]
I think maybe this taught him that he's not like this and that's why he doesn't get it. So I hope... I hope he knows I'm different and that's why it works, why I love you both the same.
[ Without hesitation, Kwang nods. ] Yes, I'll tell you. When I say I don't want to jeopardize anything, I also mean our relationship. You're too important for that, and I'll tell if anything just becomes too much.
[ They know now that they can talk, they can bring up the difficult things and come out stronger from them. Kwang believes in them, utterly. He also hopes Junsu and Hojoon are the same, strong and unshakable, and that this will just be... a small blip in the timeline of their lives. ]
For what it's worth, I think he's wrong. When he says he doesn't think his capacity for love is infinite. When he says he doesn't deserve my love, or anyone else's, for that matter - you excluded. I think he's wrong, but I won't force him to try and see things my way. What's done is done.
[ Maybe they'll be friends, one day. Maybe. As is, they'll just... share one common love in Junsu, and for now, that will be that. ]
I have you. I have Ten. I have everything I need, in you both.
[ They know now that they can talk, they can bring up the difficult things and come out stronger from them. Kwang believes in them, utterly. He also hopes Junsu and Hojoon are the same, strong and unshakable, and that this will just be... a small blip in the timeline of their lives. ]
For what it's worth, I think he's wrong. When he says he doesn't think his capacity for love is infinite. When he says he doesn't deserve my love, or anyone else's, for that matter - you excluded. I think he's wrong, but I won't force him to try and see things my way. What's done is done.
[ Maybe they'll be friends, one day. Maybe. As is, they'll just... share one common love in Junsu, and for now, that will be that. ]
I have you. I have Ten. I have everything I need, in you both.
in part because i keep bringing difficult things to him. i know that's not bad in itself! it just feels like there's been a lot i needed to talk about lately. and he's the one i go to.
now he's going through this, too, and i don't know if i reacted really well. i'm sorry to say this, but i was kind of upset at hojoon. i understand why things happened the way they did and it's not like he was in the wrong or anything, but i guess i felt protective of kwang. especially because of the other stuff i mentioned.
now he's going through this, too, and i don't know if i reacted really well. i'm sorry to say this, but i was kind of upset at hojoon. i understand why things happened the way they did and it's not like he was in the wrong or anything, but i guess i felt protective of kwang. especially because of the other stuff i mentioned.
i dont think its a bad thing he might not have had much to talk about. and he came to you when he needed you. im sure hes happy to be there for you
i dont know. maybe that was what he needed to hear, someone frustrated at joon. because that wasnt going to be me, you know?
i dont know. maybe that was what he needed to hear, someone frustrated at joon. because that wasnt going to be me, you know?
you're right. listen to me! i'm not trying to dump stuff on you, too. i really just wanted to ask if you thought there's something we could do for him. since we're his boyfriends. we don't talk about that much, but we're on the same page about him being happy, right?
it's hard. i really don't want to say it's not right, what he did. but i don't understand it. does it make sense to you?
it's hard. i really don't want to say it's not right, what he did. but i don't understand it. does it make sense to you?
of course we are. im not sure there's anything except being here for him. maybe making him a nice dinner or something
yes. because i know hojoon. i think he's wrong in thinking his love is limited. but i know why he thinks that and why he made this decision
yes. because i know hojoon. i think he's wrong in thinking his love is limited. but i know why he thinks that and why he made this decision
[ junsu relaxes just a bit after hearing that. not that kwang would've said no, but it's reassuring to know they'll keep communicating, even about this, even if it's tricky and hurts in all sorts of new ways. ]
I think he's wrong, too. But I get it. [ it's hojoon, and he's cautious, and he would often rather not do anything at all than do it badly, and sometimes junsu thinks it's a miracle they even got to be together. some kind of magic. ] You know I keep having to tell him it's okay for him to want things? He doesn't know what that's like. To have his own life and to want to live it his own way and to ask for things.
[ not to make this a pity party, or all about hojoon, but he doesn't know how much kwang knows of hojoon's story. a lot of it isn't for junsu to share, but he can say this much. maybe it'll contextualize the decision a bit better. maybe kwang can understand him a little more. junsu loves them both so much, it hurts that they're not working out, that things will be weird between them, but what he wants most is their individual happiness. ]
You do have me and Ten. We're not going anywhere.
I think he's wrong, too. But I get it. [ it's hojoon, and he's cautious, and he would often rather not do anything at all than do it badly, and sometimes junsu thinks it's a miracle they even got to be together. some kind of magic. ] You know I keep having to tell him it's okay for him to want things? He doesn't know what that's like. To have his own life and to want to live it his own way and to ask for things.
[ not to make this a pity party, or all about hojoon, but he doesn't know how much kwang knows of hojoon's story. a lot of it isn't for junsu to share, but he can say this much. maybe it'll contextualize the decision a bit better. maybe kwang can understand him a little more. junsu loves them both so much, it hurts that they're not working out, that things will be weird between them, but what he wants most is their individual happiness. ]
You do have me and Ten. We're not going anywhere.
maybe a nice bath? a massage? some quiet so he can enjoy his book!
i promise i'm trying to believe that as best i can. i really, really am. and i'm trying not to be upset or sad or anything like that.
[ The words he is swallowing back right now, about being scared of telling someone how you feel and it going poorly, of feeling insecure because you have all this love and don't know how to share it in the best way, of not knowing how to make the lives of people you love better... ]
it's hard.
i promise i'm trying to believe that as best i can. i really, really am. and i'm trying not to be upset or sad or anything like that.
[ The words he is swallowing back right now, about being scared of telling someone how you feel and it going poorly, of feeling insecure because you have all this love and don't know how to share it in the best way, of not knowing how to make the lives of people you love better... ]
it's hard.
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