[ junsu relaxes just a bit after hearing that. not that kwang would've said no, but it's reassuring to know they'll keep communicating, even about this, even if it's tricky and hurts in all sorts of new ways. ]
I think he's wrong, too. But I get it. [ it's hojoon, and he's cautious, and he would often rather not do anything at all than do it badly, and sometimes junsu thinks it's a miracle they even got to be together. some kind of magic. ] You know I keep having to tell him it's okay for him to want things? He doesn't know what that's like. To have his own life and to want to live it his own way and to ask for things.
[ not to make this a pity party, or all about hojoon, but he doesn't know how much kwang knows of hojoon's story. a lot of it isn't for junsu to share, but he can say this much. maybe it'll contextualize the decision a bit better. maybe kwang can understand him a little more. junsu loves them both so much, it hurts that they're not working out, that things will be weird between them, but what he wants most is their individual happiness. ]
[ Kwang knows not to expect Junsu to be angry with Hojoon on his behalf. He knows, if he wants that kind of reaction, he just has to talk to Ten; and he will, at some point. He knows Junsu loves them both and he probably just wants Kwang to understand.
But it hurts a little, to hear this. To hear that maybe the only reason why Hojoon rejected him is a reason Kwang wishes he could burn to the ground.
There's a part of Kwang that wants to complain, right now, a part of him that wants to be selfish, to demand all of Junsu's understanding and sympathy be turned to him. But it's not fair, and Kwang tries, at the best of times, to not be too selfish, and he knows Junsu must ache for both of them, and he's the one stuck in the middle. It sucks for him, and he's trying to stay neutral. Kwang would be the same, if Ten was to tell Junsu of his feelings, and didn't get the response he wanted.
Still, Kwang is vulnerable, and tired, and he sighs, burying his face in Junsu's neck as he feels tears burn at the corner of his eyes, wishing he wasn't this weak. ]
[ he does ache for both of them. it's hard to protect kwang and defend him against this paint without slighting the other person he loves. he can't speak ill of hojoon like he could never speak ill of kwang. he doesn't even like it when anyone implies they're less than amazing in any way. ]
No one's fault. [ he rubs his hand up and down kwang's back again. it's so hard to know what to say. kwang deserves... so much. not this. but he deserves the kind of love that feels infinite and freely given. ]
You do deserve someone who could love you fully. Who doesn't think their love is in limited quantities. Even if that's not true, if that's how he feels... I don't want that for you. I don't want you to love someone who can't give you the same back.
[ Just like he knew it to be true when Hojoon said it, Kwang knows it to be true when Junsu says it, too. It's hard to take, still, because Kwang wants to believe that idea that love is finite is a notion he could teach Hojoon is wrong.
But it's not his choice to make. If Hojoon doesn't want to try, it's not Kwang's place to try and force it. And the selfish voice inside him wants to say he doesn't care about someone else's infinite love when he would settle for Hojoon's small offerings, but he knows.
He knows he'd grow to hate it. To resent it. ]
I know you're right. I know, in the long run, it would not work out. But right now... right now I wish I could have whatever he has to offer. But he's not willing to give it to me.
[ Sighing, Kwang still doesn't look up at Junsu, feeling somewhat embarrassed. ]
I've been dealing with some other things, too, that I didn't mention. Everything coming to a head like this, it's making me feel a little vulnerable. Again. I'd rather be strong for you.
[ that's normal, he thinks. of course rationally kwang knows this, but he wanted something and it would've been good while he had it and he was denied and for a reason that seems so against his way of thinking and living and loving.
junsu kisses his hair, buries his nose against it, breathes in deep. this is just adding onto more, it seems, and he feels a little guilty he didn't really know, thought things were better after they'd talked in the tree house. ]
Isn't part of the point of having a boyfriend having a partner? So someone's there for you when you're not feeling strong?
[ he leans back a bit, wanting to look into kwang's face. ]
You don't have to be strong for me. I'm here for you, and to help you with those other things.
Yeah, you’re right. I’m glad you’re here, too. Very much so.
[ He takes some more time to just appreciate Junsu’s comfort, warm and solid and loving. It’s good, it feels better than good, right now. He wants to soak it all up.
Then he sighs again, a lot softer, something a little scared, blooming in his chest. ]
The other day, Ten and I had an innocent conversation, about kids - because of Minsu and Sage. But it started a chain reaction inside me, because Ten talked about having kids and how happy he’d be doing that, and -
[ He lets out another small sob. ]
I think I pushed the knowledge deep down inside for a long, long time. I had other things to work on, that felt more important. But - Junsu, I just. I can’t have kids. Not anymore.
[ junsu's heart breaks a little more. this isn't a desire he's familiar with, but he knows the importance of it, and knows how hard it must've been for that to come up again during what should've been a more exciting and happy talk about the future.
it's not fair. everyone's suffered so much. he's not even sure if this means kwang physically can't, or if it means he did once and it ended badly, or if it means something else awful happened. it doesn't really matter. it's an upsetting topic for his boyfriend, and that's what he's here to help alleviate. ]
I'm sorry... [ he holds him close close close and tight tight tight for a moment, because i'm sorry doesn't really convey anything, not the intensity he's feeling. ]
I'm sorry that brought up bad memories. And that you can't, even if you wanted to.
[ and maybe this is a stupid thing to say, but its important, maybe helpful, for kwang to hear it from someone else. ]
You know that won't change how he feels about you, right?
[ It wasn't a desire Kwang was familiar with, either. He's never thought about it, before Ten started talking about it, and it had shocked Kwang to his very core.
He sniffles softly, shaking his head as he pushes back to look at Junsu again, knowing his cheeks are red. ]
I don't know that I'd want to. But I hate that the choice was taken from me, you know?
[ That's the problem, truly. Rubbing at his eyes, Kwang nods. ]
I know. I know it's not a problem, it's just... something I have to deal with, myself. Does it change - how you feel?
[ junsu takes kwang's face into his hands, shaking his head vehemently. this has zero impact on what he feels. babies are so far into his future, in his eyes. marriage is only something he's recently started to think about, and it's not something he'd want right away, so that's even further.
why would it change how he feels, anyway? there are many ways to have a child. and if kwang never wanted any, that would be fine. ]
Of course not, baby. It changes nothing at all. I love you.
[ he kisses his red cheek, then the other, then the tip of his nose. his voice lowers, a soft whisper. ]
I'm so sorry the choice was taken from you. We love you no matter what.
[ It's full of feeling and so genuine, the way he says this. It's important, it's the most important thing. Hojoon might not want him, and he might not have the kind of choices he used to have, but. He still has all of this. He has Junsu, and his love, and he really needs nothing else. ]
Thank you for being here. I think Hojoon will need some attention, too.
[ junsu smiles softly, leans in and kisses kwang's lips with a soft press of his own. he's there for kwang, no matter what, and he wants to be steady and reassuring, as steady and reassuring as kwang is to him.
he used to not think himself capable of it, but being loved by someone like him, it makes him rethink his own worth. ]
[ Junsu is worth the world, and Kwang will try, every day of his life, to make him see it. Little by little, he will get there, just affirming and needing and helping. They can both be worth each other.
With a deep breath, more content than it's been so far, more relaxed, Kwang nods, closing his eyes. ]
Thank you. Will you - tell me about your day? How is Minsu doing? How big is your library getting, now?
[ junsu brightens at the questions, immediately taking on the lead of the conversation so kwang gets just what he needs and wants — junsu talking about his day, himself, good things that will distract him. ]
Oh, so big. I've been keeping every novel I find that looks a little interesting. Ten and I even want to start a book club! We thought you might like that.
We didn't decide yet! I think we should take suggestions from everyone who wants to participate, and maybe everyone gets a turn picking a book.
[ junsu plays with kwang's hair, gentle and soft, his voice soft too. he doesn't need to get too loud of excitable. it's just the two of them now, trying to focus on nicer things. ]
You plan on opening it up to the house at large? Not just you two?
[ He already feels better, just with this. Knowing he has Junsu, now, and for the rest of - well, however long Junsu would have him. Forever, hopefully. ]
[ Kwang nuzzles in, nose pressed under Junsu's jaw, as he smiles gently. ]
Mmm, that's okay. I'd like to join you guys. I just wouldn't want to ruin your time together, you know? I like that you're spending more time together. But if you want me there, I'll happily join you.
[ He punctuates his words with a kiss to Junsu's neck, gentle. ]
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I think he's wrong, too. But I get it. [ it's hojoon, and he's cautious, and he would often rather not do anything at all than do it badly, and sometimes junsu thinks it's a miracle they even got to be together. some kind of magic. ] You know I keep having to tell him it's okay for him to want things? He doesn't know what that's like. To have his own life and to want to live it his own way and to ask for things.
[ not to make this a pity party, or all about hojoon, but he doesn't know how much kwang knows of hojoon's story. a lot of it isn't for junsu to share, but he can say this much. maybe it'll contextualize the decision a bit better. maybe kwang can understand him a little more. junsu loves them both so much, it hurts that they're not working out, that things will be weird between them, but what he wants most is their individual happiness. ]
You do have me and Ten. We're not going anywhere.
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But it hurts a little, to hear this. To hear that maybe the only reason why Hojoon rejected him is a reason Kwang wishes he could burn to the ground.
There's a part of Kwang that wants to complain, right now, a part of him that wants to be selfish, to demand all of Junsu's understanding and sympathy be turned to him. But it's not fair, and Kwang tries, at the best of times, to not be too selfish, and he knows Junsu must ache for both of them, and he's the one stuck in the middle. It sucks for him, and he's trying to stay neutral. Kwang would be the same, if Ten was to tell Junsu of his feelings, and didn't get the response he wanted.
Still, Kwang is vulnerable, and tired, and he sighs, burying his face in Junsu's neck as he feels tears burn at the corner of his eyes, wishing he wasn't this weak. ]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle.
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No one's fault. [ he rubs his hand up and down kwang's back again. it's so hard to know what to say. kwang deserves... so much. not this. but he deserves the kind of love that feels infinite and freely given. ]
You do deserve someone who could love you fully. Who doesn't think their love is in limited quantities. Even if that's not true, if that's how he feels... I don't want that for you. I don't want you to love someone who can't give you the same back.
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But it's not his choice to make. If Hojoon doesn't want to try, it's not Kwang's place to try and force it. And the selfish voice inside him wants to say he doesn't care about someone else's infinite love when he would settle for Hojoon's small offerings, but he knows.
He knows he'd grow to hate it. To resent it. ]
I know you're right. I know, in the long run, it would not work out. But right now... right now I wish I could have whatever he has to offer. But he's not willing to give it to me.
[ Sighing, Kwang still doesn't look up at Junsu, feeling somewhat embarrassed. ]
I've been dealing with some other things, too, that I didn't mention. Everything coming to a head like this, it's making me feel a little vulnerable. Again. I'd rather be strong for you.
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junsu kisses his hair, buries his nose against it, breathes in deep. this is just adding onto more, it seems, and he feels a little guilty he didn't really know, thought things were better after they'd talked in the tree house. ]
Isn't part of the point of having a boyfriend having a partner? So someone's there for you when you're not feeling strong?
[ he leans back a bit, wanting to look into kwang's face. ]
You don't have to be strong for me. I'm here for you, and to help you with those other things.
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[ He takes some more time to just appreciate Junsu’s comfort, warm and solid and loving. It’s good, it feels better than good, right now. He wants to soak it all up.
Then he sighs again, a lot softer, something a little scared, blooming in his chest. ]
The other day, Ten and I had an innocent conversation, about kids - because of Minsu and Sage. But it started a chain reaction inside me, because Ten talked about having kids and how happy he’d be doing that, and -
[ He lets out another small sob. ]
I think I pushed the knowledge deep down inside for a long, long time. I had other things to work on, that felt more important. But - Junsu, I just. I can’t have kids. Not anymore.
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it's not fair. everyone's suffered so much. he's not even sure if this means kwang physically can't, or if it means he did once and it ended badly, or if it means something else awful happened. it doesn't really matter. it's an upsetting topic for his boyfriend, and that's what he's here to help alleviate. ]
I'm sorry... [ he holds him close close close and tight tight tight for a moment, because i'm sorry doesn't really convey anything, not the intensity he's feeling. ]
I'm sorry that brought up bad memories. And that you can't, even if you wanted to.
[ and maybe this is a stupid thing to say, but its important, maybe helpful, for kwang to hear it from someone else. ]
You know that won't change how he feels about you, right?
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He sniffles softly, shaking his head as he pushes back to look at Junsu again, knowing his cheeks are red. ]
I don't know that I'd want to. But I hate that the choice was taken from me, you know?
[ That's the problem, truly. Rubbing at his eyes, Kwang nods. ]
I know. I know it's not a problem, it's just... something I have to deal with, myself. Does it change - how you feel?
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why would it change how he feels, anyway? there are many ways to have a child. and if kwang never wanted any, that would be fine. ]
Of course not, baby. It changes nothing at all. I love you.
[ he kisses his red cheek, then the other, then the tip of his nose. his voice lowers, a soft whisper. ]
I'm so sorry the choice was taken from you. We love you no matter what.
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[ It's full of feeling and so genuine, the way he says this. It's important, it's the most important thing. Hojoon might not want him, and he might not have the kind of choices he used to have, but. He still has all of this. He has Junsu, and his love, and he really needs nothing else. ]
Thank you for being here. I think Hojoon will need some attention, too.
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he used to not think himself capable of it, but being loved by someone like him, it makes him rethink his own worth. ]
Right now, I'm here for you. With you.
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With a deep breath, more content than it's been so far, more relaxed, Kwang nods, closing his eyes. ]
Thank you. Will you - tell me about your day? How is Minsu doing? How big is your library getting, now?
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Oh, so big. I've been keeping every novel I find that looks a little interesting. Ten and I even want to start a book club! We thought you might like that.
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Bless, you're both adorable. What would be the first book you'd read, in this book club, huh?
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[ junsu plays with kwang's hair, gentle and soft, his voice soft too. he doesn't need to get too loud of excitable. it's just the two of them now, trying to focus on nicer things. ]
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[ He already feels better, just with this. Knowing he has Junsu, now, and for the rest of - well, however long Junsu would have him. Forever, hopefully. ]
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[ he pauses. ]
If that's okay. We could make it just us, too.
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Mmm, that's okay. I'd like to join you guys. I just wouldn't want to ruin your time together, you know? I like that you're spending more time together. But if you want me there, I'll happily join you.
[ He punctuates his words with a kiss to Junsu's neck, gentle. ]