[ junsu's chest fills with hope. if kwang thinks they can move on from this, then junsu thinks they can too, he wants to. the hope is big but soft and warm in his chest, he wants to let it grow and hold onto it until... he's not sure. this is moving past it already, isn't it? talking about it? acknowledging they can keep going forward together from here?
he reaches for kwang's hand, taking it in his own. ]
I do know. I knew — I knew you wouldn't care I was human, just. That I lied to you. I'm so sorry. I should have told you on our date, but I wanted to... I wanted it to be perfect.
[ he hangs his head, a bit ashamed. he might have lost everything just to have this perfect image of their date. it's silly, looking back on it.
he squeezes kwang's hand, nodding slowly. he doesn't really want to linger on minsu right now because this is about them. but he'll answer his questions. and now it's out there, rather than inside, hidden away from kwang when he's asking for honesty. it feels too big to hide, like one day it might show too clearly and kwang might be hurt by the secret. ]
[ Kwang gets it. Honestly, he does; they had a perfect date together, and the idea of ruining it might have been too much to handle. He got that, perfectly, and he doesn't blame Junsu. He wishes he'd known even sooner than that, he wishes he'd known from the get-go, but he also knows - it wasn't about him. ]
Can I ask - why? Why you thought you should lie to everyone? I'm not judging, I'm just. Curious, I guess.
[ The touch feels like electricity. It runs through Kwang's body, making him take a deep breath.
Happen again. Happen a- oh. ]
You thought I'd leave you behind, because of Ten. Is that - [ Kwang pauses, trying to decide how to go about this. What to say, exactly, that won't upset Junsu. That might put them on the right track, the track Kwang was firmly on before all this.
This is not about Minsu. This is about them. ] Are you worried you're second best, to me?
[ kwang doesn't remove his hand, so that's a good sign. more hope. he'd like to hold onto it. so he holds onto kwang's hand.
he starts to get ready to explain why he lied, to say it's been something he's done for years now, but then he gets embarrassed, sheepish. it sounds so stupid, said like that. being worried about being second best. it isn't untrue. it's very true. but he wishes he was wiser. he wishes it was something smarter, more mature. less about being afraid he was always going to be less than ten.
there's more, too. being scared ten and kwang would eventually be exclusive, that if he kept going with kwang he would have his heart broken all over again. knowing his feelings were strong, changing, that kwang might hate him for the lie, might dislike him for being human. there was a lot, all at once.
[ That - that makes Kwang's jaw clench, not so much in anger, but in tiny bit of frustration. He wishes Junsu could believe everything he's said before and know it was true, that it isn't about anyone being more special than another. And before, he didn't realize how deep it ran, but now.
Now, maybe he can do something about it. Something to strengthen Junsu's belief in their bond, and their relationship. Shuffling closer slightly, he moves his hands, grabbing Junsu's thighs and pulling him closer, a very clear indication for him to come straddle Kwang's lap. ]
Come here. C'mere.
[ It's not an order but it's close enough, and only once he's got Junsu right where he wants does Kwang speak again, raising a hand to curl around Junsu's jaw. ]
You're not second best. You've never been second best. At worst, you two are side by side, in my heart, taking just as much space. And - okay. I'm going to ask you something else, alright? Because I really want to, and I need you to know this is for real. You are not a footnote, okay?
[ Still, he waits for confirmation before actually asking what he wants to ask, his heart wild in his chest. ]
[ junsu settles over kwang's lap easily, though there's a bit of a jut to his lower lip, like a pout, nearly. not quite. he's not sulking. he's not pouting. kwang isn't saying anything that is upsetting him, and seems to want to reassure him instead.
but it's still true that the moment ten and kwang became something official, he was sad. both for his own relationship with kwang, and in general. why wasn't he someone's special person? why were the people he felt a connection to finding others? when kwang said he still wanted to see him, it helped, but that sadness didn't just disappear.
he listens now, absorbing the words, taking them in. side by side. taking as much space. his heart starts to race. if that's true, then... junsu is more boyfriend to kwang than not, isn't he?
junsu takes in a shaky breath and nods. okay. not a footnote. his eyes search for kwang's holding his gaze, expression vulnerable and open and hopeful, too. lots of hope. ]
[ Kwang takes a breath, eyes unwavering as he takes it in, the way Junsu looks hopeful. It makes Kwang smile, and it's funny how - how so recently, he was angry, and he was hurt, and he missed Junsu like a limb. And now, now -
Now, he felt right. Content. Kwang's hands rest on Junsu's thighs, feeling a hint of nervousness, here. Funny, because he didn't with Ten, but now - he just wants Junsu to say yes, so badly, but it feels less certain, here. Junsu is more guarded with his heart.
Kwang swallows visibly, before he goes for it, finally. ]
Would you be my boyfriend? No second best. You're just as important as Ten, to me. And I want you to know that, I want to be with you just as much. I - [ His smile is soft. ] I love you. I'm in love with you. And I need you. And I want to be your boyfriend.
You — [ he can't help it, tears well up in his eyes, but this time they're not sad tears, not desperate or heartbroken. it's the hope in his chest running over. spilling out of him. this is beyond what he expected after this fight. it's more than he deserves. he lied to him, he hurt him, and kwang wants him still.
not only that but he wants him for good. for real. as a boyfriend, not just someone he's seeing and taking on dates sometimes.
but a boyfriend. ]
Really? You want... to be my boyfriend? [ he sniffs and wipes at his face and thinks why is he questioning this? he wouldn't offer if he was unsure. kwang's eyes are steady. and he shouldn't pass this up. it's what he's been wanting and yearning for a while now. ]
Yes. Please. I would... I would really, really love that. [ he laughs, teary and a bit disbelieving. ] I don't deserve it. But I want it.
[ It's funny, how Kwang doesn't actually feel all that stable, when Junsu starts tearing up, reminded of the fight, of the time everything seemed to crash around them. But it's good, now, even if Junsu seems to barely be able to believe it. It's good and it's real and Kwang smiles, his eyes not entirely dry either. ]
I do. I really do.
[ His fingers brush under Junsu's eyes, chuckling gently. ] As long as you're happy to share me. Because I love you both. But if that's okay with you, then... God, yeah I want to be your boyfriend. I want to give you so much, that hasn't changed. Maybe even more now than before.
[ Kwang pauses, sighs gently, and reaches down for his fingers to close around the bottle of magic sunshine. He doesn't hold it tight enough to activate it, but he tugs on it a little, just to pull Junsu a fraction closer. ]
You deserve it. You deserve better than me, really. You deserve someone who didn't fly off the handle because of a lie that, at the end of the day, means nothing. I didn't listen to you then, and that was shitty of me. But all I need is - no more lies. You don't have to tell me everything, all the time. But no more lying.
[ it seems too good to be true. kwang would have had every right not to listen, not to want to listen. he lied to him knowing what someone had done to him before. he didn't need to know details to know this would hurt him, anger him. he should have said something then. he should have.
but it's true that his lie meant nothing in the shape of their relationship. that none of it was to hide something that would alter it, or change how he felt, or how they interacted. well, it might have. kwang might have found junsu too human for his taste, but given how far they'd gotten already...
lying is bad, but the shape of who they are to each other is still the same in spite of that lie.
kwang saying he deserves more makes him tear up and choke up, and he sobs, feeling way too lucky that kwang is still giving him a chance.
and asking him to be his boyfriend, equal to ten, as important to him, as significant in his life. his special person. ]
I promise.
[ he throws his arms around kwang, hugging him tightly and closely, tucking his face against his shoulder. ]
[ The moment Junsu is hugging him, Kwang is holding right back, hoping he can pass his feelings on through touch, reaching up to card fingers through his hair, reassuring, just - here, like he wasn't recently. ]
I'm sorry if I made you think I'd never want to speak to you again.
[ He remembers, Minsu begging him to speak to Junsu. Ten telling him it's worth it, if he loves him. Thoughts in his own head repeatedly coming back to this, to how much he already missed Junsu, how he'd missed him before when he'd put some distance between them. He didn't want this anymore, he just wanted to be here with Junsu. For them to grow together.
He smiles, pressing it to the curve of Junsu's neck. ]
[ it's so, so reassuring. junsu is melting into the touch, the words, the joy of knowing he's special in a unique way compared to everyone else kwang is with. he doesn't mind sharing the title with ten. he just wants to be important, and thought ten was it for kwang, that there was no room for anyone else to be that special.
he shakes his head. kwang doesn't have to apologize. ]
It's okay. I would have deserved it for doing that to you. I'm the one who's sorry. For letting fear take priority.
[ he traces kwang's lips with his fingertips, featherlight. ]
It's you. You're more important than how afraid I am.
[ Maybe this was Kwang was always supposed to do. To find these people, to fall helplessly in love, with both of them. To be there for both of them, to show them both just how much they deserved to be loved. Kwang's heart feels so content, so warm, full but also so ready to give more.
Kwang shakes his head the same, pulling back to look up at Junsu. ]
You had reasons to lie. I was - I was dismissive of humans, wasn't I? I probably made you feel like shit, I'm sorry.
[ Junsu's next words make Kwang's heart seize, and he reaches out, curling his hand over Junsu's, nuzzling his cheek into it. ]
What are you afraid of, now?
[ He mimics Junsu's movements, tracing the roundness of his cheek, down to his lips, eyes completely focused on him. ] Yeah. It does.
I'm not really scared, honestly. I feel like I should be, but I'm not. [ because kwang is here with him. right now everything is fine even though being someone's boyfriend is a big thing and one he should feel pressure to earn, especially after everything.
he just feels undeserving, but not afraid. he won't mess this up. kwang knows all his truths now.
he turns his head to kiss kwang's palm, inside the curl of his fingers. he doesn't want kwang to feel bad for anything he might have said about humans. maybe it did hurt, but it doesn't matter, because he wasn't saying those things about junsu and he still wants him now. ]
Don't be. [ It's a whisper, caught between soft breaths, the world entirely fading away as Kwang looks at Junsu. Beautiful, soft, a little broken, Junsu.
His.
Kwang tangles two of his fingers, from his free hand, into the cord he's hung his magic charm on. ] Don't be scared. You've got me, and I've got you. If you need to talk, we can, about. About anything. I'll listen, I promise. I'll be good to you.
[ He smiles, a little weak. His eyes don't feel very dry. ]
[ it's whispered, too, soft. he wants kwang to believe that. he wants kwang to know that he knows this, that kwang has always listened and been good to him, that it's why he feels safe with him.
now more than ever, because kwang knows about him and loves him still and wants him still.
junsu touches kwang's jaw, his own eyes not very dry, but his lips curled in a soft smile. ]
Yeah. I think so. [ there's not a lot of cheek in the attempt to be playful. he wants to kiss kwang too badly. so he does that, pressing his lips against his, soft and tender. ]
[ Kwang doesn't feel like he's always been good to Junsu. He's let negative emotions take the better of him, and it hadn't been fair. He'd left him to worry and think the worst, for days.
Sure, Kwang needed some time for himself, then. But it doesn't make him feel like he's been his best self, and he'll make up for it, one way or another. Starting here, now, by kissing Junsu back, a soft sigh of contentment leaving his lips as he does, fingers brushing through Junsu's hair.
Saying he's missed this doesn't even start to encompass it all, and he smiles helplessly, moving up a little so that they're chest to chest. ]
[ junsu smiles into the kiss too, even as his eyes burn with tears again. he'd missed him. he'd thought... he'd really thought kwang would never want him again. that maybe they could end up being friends but that he would never want to touch or kiss him.
but he's kissing him. and they're boyfriends. and junsu had missed him and basically started mourning what they'd had.
he pulls back for a second before kissing him again, arms going around his neck and the press of his lips more insistent now, deepening the kiss a little desperately. ]
[ Kwang thought maybe he was being greedy, in some ways. Wanting so much out of Junsu, out of Ten, out of everyone. Wanting them to help him heal when he couldn't do it by himself.
But they'd both made it clear, that this is what they want. They both want him, and, oh, what a heady thought. He slides his hands around Junsu's waist, holding him tighter, opening his eyes for a split second when Junsu pulls back, only to come right back, deeper still, more intent.
Kwang opens himself to Junsu, mouth, head, heart. He's willing to give him all, under these circumstances. He wants to, and his hands slide under Junsu's shirt, not hesitating anymore. ]
[ junsu gasps when kwang touches him under his shirt, barely easing back from the kiss to mumble against his lips. one of his hands is rubbing circles at the base of his nape, the other in his hair, curled lightly there. ]
I missed you.
[ he doesn't want kwang to feel any guilt for their brief separation. it really was brief. but it feels important to say. he missed him. he was so sad without him, lost. things are so good right now. ]
[ Kwang makes a little noise, eyes staying closed as he nods, because he's missed Junsu too, even though it was just a few days. Just like last time, when Junsu put some distance between them, Kwang felt it then, felt it very strongly. It had taken no time at all for Junsu to carve himself a place in Kwang's heart, and every time they didn't see each other for a day, he felt it keenly. ]
I love you.
[ He grins, leaning up for another kiss, his hand moving up Junsu's back. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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he reaches for kwang's hand, taking it in his own. ]
I do know. I knew — I knew you wouldn't care I was human, just. That I lied to you. I'm so sorry. I should have told you on our date, but I wanted to... I wanted it to be perfect.
[ he hangs his head, a bit ashamed. he might have lost everything just to have this perfect image of their date. it's silly, looking back on it.
he squeezes kwang's hand, nodding slowly. he doesn't really want to linger on minsu right now because this is about them. but he'll answer his questions. and now it's out there, rather than inside, hidden away from kwang when he's asking for honesty. it feels too big to hide, like one day it might show too clearly and kwang might be hurt by the secret. ]
I got scared. That it would just happen again.
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Can I ask - why? Why you thought you should lie to everyone? I'm not judging, I'm just. Curious, I guess.
[ The touch feels like electricity. It runs through Kwang's body, making him take a deep breath.
Happen again. Happen a- oh. ]
You thought I'd leave you behind, because of Ten. Is that - [ Kwang pauses, trying to decide how to go about this. What to say, exactly, that won't upset Junsu. That might put them on the right track, the track Kwang was firmly on before all this.
This is not about Minsu. This is about them. ] Are you worried you're second best, to me?
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he starts to get ready to explain why he lied, to say it's been something he's done for years now, but then he gets embarrassed, sheepish. it sounds so stupid, said like that. being worried about being second best. it isn't untrue. it's very true. but he wishes he was wiser. he wishes it was something smarter, more mature. less about being afraid he was always going to be less than ten.
there's more, too. being scared ten and kwang would eventually be exclusive, that if he kept going with kwang he would have his heart broken all over again. knowing his feelings were strong, changing, that kwang might hate him for the lie, might dislike him for being human. there was a lot, all at once.
he looks down at his feet. ]
Aren't I? He's your special person.
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Now, maybe he can do something about it. Something to strengthen Junsu's belief in their bond, and their relationship. Shuffling closer slightly, he moves his hands, grabbing Junsu's thighs and pulling him closer, a very clear indication for him to come straddle Kwang's lap. ]
Come here. C'mere.
[ It's not an order but it's close enough, and only once he's got Junsu right where he wants does Kwang speak again, raising a hand to curl around Junsu's jaw. ]
You're not second best. You've never been second best. At worst, you two are side by side, in my heart, taking just as much space. And - okay. I'm going to ask you something else, alright? Because I really want to, and I need you to know this is for real. You are not a footnote, okay?
[ Still, he waits for confirmation before actually asking what he wants to ask, his heart wild in his chest. ]
no subject
but it's still true that the moment ten and kwang became something official, he was sad. both for his own relationship with kwang, and in general. why wasn't he someone's special person? why were the people he felt a connection to finding others? when kwang said he still wanted to see him, it helped, but that sadness didn't just disappear.
he listens now, absorbing the words, taking them in. side by side. taking as much space. his heart starts to race. if that's true, then... junsu is more boyfriend to kwang than not, isn't he?
junsu takes in a shaky breath and nods. okay. not a footnote. his eyes search for kwang's holding his gaze, expression vulnerable and open and hopeful, too. lots of hope. ]
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Now, he felt right. Content. Kwang's hands rest on Junsu's thighs, feeling a hint of nervousness, here. Funny, because he didn't with Ten, but now - he just wants Junsu to say yes, so badly, but it feels less certain, here. Junsu is more guarded with his heart.
Kwang swallows visibly, before he goes for it, finally. ]
Would you be my boyfriend? No second best. You're just as important as Ten, to me. And I want you to know that, I want to be with you just as much. I - [ His smile is soft. ] I love you. I'm in love with you. And I need you. And I want to be your boyfriend.
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not only that but he wants him for good. for real. as a boyfriend, not just someone he's seeing and taking on dates sometimes.
but a boyfriend. ]
Really? You want... to be my boyfriend? [ he sniffs and wipes at his face and thinks why is he questioning this? he wouldn't offer if he was unsure. kwang's eyes are steady. and he shouldn't pass this up. it's what he's been wanting and yearning for a while now. ]
Yes. Please. I would... I would really, really love that. [ he laughs, teary and a bit disbelieving. ] I don't deserve it. But I want it.
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I do. I really do.
[ His fingers brush under Junsu's eyes, chuckling gently. ] As long as you're happy to share me. Because I love you both. But if that's okay with you, then... God, yeah I want to be your boyfriend. I want to give you so much, that hasn't changed. Maybe even more now than before.
[ Kwang pauses, sighs gently, and reaches down for his fingers to close around the bottle of magic sunshine. He doesn't hold it tight enough to activate it, but he tugs on it a little, just to pull Junsu a fraction closer. ]
You deserve it. You deserve better than me, really. You deserve someone who didn't fly off the handle because of a lie that, at the end of the day, means nothing. I didn't listen to you then, and that was shitty of me. But all I need is - no more lies. You don't have to tell me everything, all the time. But no more lying.
no subject
but it's true that his lie meant nothing in the shape of their relationship. that none of it was to hide something that would alter it, or change how he felt, or how they interacted. well, it might have. kwang might have found junsu too human for his taste, but given how far they'd gotten already...
lying is bad, but the shape of who they are to each other is still the same in spite of that lie.
kwang saying he deserves more makes him tear up and choke up, and he sobs, feeling way too lucky that kwang is still giving him a chance.
and asking him to be his boyfriend, equal to ten, as important to him, as significant in his life. his special person. ]
I promise.
[ he throws his arms around kwang, hugging him tightly and closely, tucking his face against his shoulder. ]
I swear. No more lying.
no subject
I'm sorry if I made you think I'd never want to speak to you again.
[ He remembers, Minsu begging him to speak to Junsu. Ten telling him it's worth it, if he loves him. Thoughts in his own head repeatedly coming back to this, to how much he already missed Junsu, how he'd missed him before when he'd put some distance between them. He didn't want this anymore, he just wanted to be here with Junsu. For them to grow together.
He smiles, pressing it to the curve of Junsu's neck. ]
Boyfriend. Suits you.
no subject
he shakes his head. kwang doesn't have to apologize. ]
It's okay. I would have deserved it for doing that to you. I'm the one who's sorry. For letting fear take priority.
[ he traces kwang's lips with his fingertips, featherlight. ]
It's you. You're more important than how afraid I am.
[ he smiles a bit, almost shy. ]
You really think it suits me?
no subject
Kwang shakes his head the same, pulling back to look up at Junsu. ]
You had reasons to lie. I was - I was dismissive of humans, wasn't I? I probably made you feel like shit, I'm sorry.
[ Junsu's next words make Kwang's heart seize, and he reaches out, curling his hand over Junsu's, nuzzling his cheek into it. ]
What are you afraid of, now?
[ He mimics Junsu's movements, tracing the roundness of his cheek, down to his lips, eyes completely focused on him. ] Yeah. It does.
no subject
I'm not really scared, honestly. I feel like I should be, but I'm not. [ because kwang is here with him. right now everything is fine even though being someone's boyfriend is a big thing and one he should feel pressure to earn, especially after everything.
he just feels undeserving, but not afraid. he won't mess this up. kwang knows all his truths now.
he turns his head to kiss kwang's palm, inside the curl of his fingers. he doesn't want kwang to feel bad for anything he might have said about humans. maybe it did hurt, but it doesn't matter, because he wasn't saying those things about junsu and he still wants him now. ]
It's okay. I lied, so. We're even.
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His.
Kwang tangles two of his fingers, from his free hand, into the cord he's hung his magic charm on. ] Don't be scared. You've got me, and I've got you. If you need to talk, we can, about. About anything. I'll listen, I promise. I'll be good to you.
[ He smiles, a little weak. His eyes don't feel very dry. ]
Are you going to kiss me?
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[ it's whispered, too, soft. he wants kwang to believe that. he wants kwang to know that he knows this, that kwang has always listened and been good to him, that it's why he feels safe with him.
now more than ever, because kwang knows about him and loves him still and wants him still.
junsu touches kwang's jaw, his own eyes not very dry, but his lips curled in a soft smile. ]
Yeah. I think so. [ there's not a lot of cheek in the attempt to be playful. he wants to kiss kwang too badly. so he does that, pressing his lips against his, soft and tender. ]
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Sure, Kwang needed some time for himself, then. But it doesn't make him feel like he's been his best self, and he'll make up for it, one way or another. Starting here, now, by kissing Junsu back, a soft sigh of contentment leaving his lips as he does, fingers brushing through Junsu's hair.
Saying he's missed this doesn't even start to encompass it all, and he smiles helplessly, moving up a little so that they're chest to chest. ]
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but he's kissing him. and they're boyfriends. and junsu had missed him and basically started mourning what they'd had.
he pulls back for a second before kissing him again, arms going around his neck and the press of his lips more insistent now, deepening the kiss a little desperately. ]
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But they'd both made it clear, that this is what they want. They both want him, and, oh, what a heady thought. He slides his hands around Junsu's waist, holding him tighter, opening his eyes for a split second when Junsu pulls back, only to come right back, deeper still, more intent.
Kwang opens himself to Junsu, mouth, head, heart. He's willing to give him all, under these circumstances. He wants to, and his hands slide under Junsu's shirt, not hesitating anymore. ]
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I missed you.
[ he doesn't want kwang to feel any guilt for their brief separation. it really was brief. but it feels important to say. he missed him. he was so sad without him, lost. things are so good right now. ]
I love you.
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I love you.
[ He grins, leaning up for another kiss, his hand moving up Junsu's back. ]