[ They're definitely not parting gifts. They're everything but - they're gifts for Junsu to want to spend more time with Kwang, to have physical representations of how much Kwang cares. A way for him to show his love, by giving Junsu what he loves the most.
He reaches down into his pocket, taking out his second present, the necklace just a thin leather cord, on which is dangling a little charm. He lifts it to Junsu's head and puts it around his neck, the bottle resting against his sternum. ]
I thought of you reading and getting so lost in it you don't even realize the sun has set until you're straining to see. And if you didn't want to turn on lights, you could use this. All you have to do to activate it is hold it in your hand for a few seconds, warm it up. And then it'll light up.
[ His smile turns a little shy as he looks between the book, the necklace, and Junsu's face. ] I thought you could use it, as you read to me. If you wanted to.
[ oh. it's beautiful, and thoughtful, and a piece of magic for him to carry around everywhere, and he's never had that, and it's a piece of kwang, really, and that makes it mean even more, and coupled with the book and wanting junsu to read to him — well, junsu might be crying. the welling up in his eyes spills down his cheeks and he wipes at it quickly, looking down at the the little bottle against his chest and then lifting it so gently. ]
It's beautiful. Thank you.
[ he wipes at his cheeks again, feeling silly, but the thought that he'll get to carry a piece of kwang and a piece of magic with him is overwhelming. ]
I'll use it well while we read, [ he nods with a smile, a soft, watery laugh. not a parting gift. kwang isn't about to tell him they have to stop seeing each other the way they have. the relief is immense, too, another cause for the last few tears he wipes away. ]
Thank you, [ he says again, before biting his lip and then tugging at kwang, wanting him up here with him and closer and in his arms. ]
[ Kwang might not have expected the tears, but he doesn't recoil from them, either. He isn't afraid or worried - he can tell that Junsu's a little overwhelmed, and t makes his heart twist, because did he really never get that many gifts that such a small thing has him reacting so strongly?
Maybe it isn't small for him, and Kwang is not going to diminish it, just follows right up to sit by Junsu's side when the other tugs at him, wrapping him in his arms and holding on tight. Kwang kisses Junsu's cheek, reaching up to wipe under his eyes with a thumb. ]
You're welcome. I like thinking that you have a little bit of my magic with you all the time. And if you need anything else, you can ask, okay? I might have a spell to help you.
[ He kisses Junsu's temple next. ]
I'm sorry if it was too much. Maybe I shouldn't have given you both at once? I got excited.
[ junsu wants to burst a little. kwang offering his magic to him and thinking the same thing, that this way junsu always has a bit of it, it makes his chest hurt from how happy he is.
he shakes his head, dropping it against kwang's shoulder as his arms wind around him. ]
No, it's okay, I — It means a lot. More than I can say.
[ he sniffles, but the tears have eased now that kwang is close, holding onto him like this. ]
I'll always have it with me. Always.
[ which is basically like saying he'll always carry kwang with him. ]
Let me know if it ever starts dimming. It might, over time, but I can easily top it up.
[ Kwang's heart is in his throat. More than I can say. It resonates with him, because there's a lot he wants to say, too, and he isn't sure he should, or if it would freak Junsu out, if it's too early, if it's not mutual.
Junsu must be able to pick up how Kwang's heart starts beating faster all of a sudden, his face heating up as thoughts race through his mind. He dry-swallows, around a bunch of feelings that seem to be stuck in his throat.
There's no use denying it. Even if it's not mutual, even if it's just him. He's got to be honest with himself. ]
I wanted to - to give you something that comes entirely from me because. Well, because I. [ Seriously, his heart is beating so fast. ] I love you, Junsu.
[ he could feel kwang's heart getting quicker, had been curious and trying to run his hand up and down kwang's back.
when junsu hears the words, he freezes. shock, at first. then joy, because he hasn't heard those words said to him in a long, long time, and they mean so much, and if kwang loves him then this is special, as special as it feels, not just something in junsu's head.
he pulls away, wanting to look into kwang's face, eyes bright and excited, something joyful and happy in his face, his lips curving toward a smile.
a blink later and it's gone, fading into a frown. then his eyes fill with tears again. he was so happy for a moment and now his heart is shattering, and it's his own fault. he lied. he chose this. he did this. and he let kwang fall for him without knowing the truth, and that's so, so awful. ]
You — I don't think...
[ he takes in a deep, shaky breath. this might be it. kwang might hate him. kwang might take back the book and the necklace and himself and close all the doors. he wants to hope he won't, but he's too afraid to really believe it.
he's let this go on too long, though. if kwang loves him, he needs to know the real junsu. ]
[ He wasn't sure what to expect, after saying this to Junsu. He really wasn't, but he still didn't think it'd be this. The smile, that then turned into a frown, the tears in his eyes, all of it making something cold and fearful grow in Kwang's stomach.
And then those words. Kwang swallows the taste of bile at the back of his throat, curling his hands into fists against his legs to prevent them from shaking. He's heard such words before. In a different tone and under different circumstances, but he has. He forces himself to breathe, blinking at Junsu, both scared and yearning at the same time. ]
What - what do you mean?
[ Maybe, if he was a different person, he would take it differently. Like a joke. But he can tell, from Junsu's body language, that it isn't. That there's something there, between them, unsaid. Something that might hurt Kwang. ]
[ this feels more awful than he imagined. he thinks back to what kwang had said on their date and he feels sick, disgusted with himself for not coming clean back then. he'd wanted to keep this memory filled with light and touches and books and coffee and he prioritized that over how kwang might feel.
prioritized himself, too afraid to face his own choices and actions and be honest about them. now there was a possibility kwang wouldn't forgive him. junsu wouldn't blame him.
he's crying again, and he hates that he is because it makes him look like he's doing it on purpose, when he's just heartbroken to be hurting kwang like this and heartbroken he might lose him. ]
I'm sorry. I love you, I — This wasn't about hiding it from you, it wasn't against you, I've been lying about this since the war. I don't — I didn't want to hurt you.
[ he takes in a shaky breath, head hanging and wiping at his face with his arms. ]
[ It's like a bucket of ice, straight down Kwang's back. Junsu says the words, these words, the love words, and Kwang barely registers them, because of what follows. He pulls back; he has to pull back, to put some distance to look at Junsu, seeing him here, small and vulnerable and -
a liar.
Kwang's stomach is in absolute knots. He feels like he might be sick. ]
So that first time, when we met, when I showed you my scars. I trusted you, from the get-go. And you lied. The whole time. [ His voice is small, barely a whisper. It's hurt, a little broken, rather than angry.
His hands shake. He doesn't even care, he doesn't, it's not - it's not like Xylnan, it's not, it can't be -
Kwang can't breathe. He stands, knees unsteady, feeling like he needs to cover himself in more layers than he has on right now, to hide himself further. ]
I thought you trusted me. I thought you could. [ His throat feels dry. ] I need to - to not be here, right now.
[ kwang being hurt is worse than the anger that could've been. junsu never meant to hurt him, he never thought they'd love each other like they do. he'd cozied up to kwang with the intent to be liked, to be protected, and instead he'd found someone with a kind and gentle heart who let him in and made him feel like a person with his own worth.
instead he'd found someone he found charming, funny, caring, someone he cared for just because he was glad kwang existed, that he got to know him, that he got to spend time with him.
it's his own fault, if he jeopardized that, if it's gone now. he asked for it. kwang should be angry.
junsu stares at his hands in his lap, silent as the tears keep rolling down his cheeks, not even looking up. what is there to say? there's no excusing it. all he can do is plead and hope kwang won't leave. if he leaves, it'll feel so final. and junsu will have to live knowing it was all his doing, that he ruined the good thing he had going, that his heart has been broken twice and this time he shattered it himself. ]
[ Kwang's heart feels like it's been torn right out of his chest. Junsu sounds so broken, but Kwang isn't strong enough to stay. Not right now, when all he can think was that he was lied to, again, and he fell for it, again.
He's so naive. Seven goddamn hundred years, and yet he's let this happen again. ]
I can't - I can't stay. I can't even - [ Kwang doesn't let himself say the next words on his tongue. He feels ready to break down, for his knees to give out from under him. They had - they had such a good thing, going. It was lovely, and sweet, and it felt real. Was it? Was it ever? ]
Did you lie about anything else? Did you pretend to like me, for some reason? Was any of it real?
[ it hurts, but he can't blame kwang for questioning everything. if he can lie about that, if he can sit quietly and not correct him when kwang admits he never shows this to humans, then what else could he lie about?
everything. anything.
he hiccups, wipes at his face some more, furiously wishes he could stop crying. ]
All of it was real. It was real, I promise.
[ he looks up at kwang, scared to see the look on his face, wanting to curl away from it. but he holds his eyes steady, because this is important, even if kwang might choose not to believe it. or decide it's not enough. ]
[ Kwang's jaw clenches at the words, because it's not like he's suddenly stopped feeling it, himself. It's not like the truth has made him stop loving Junsu all of a sudden. But it hurts, it hurts. For a moment, he's right back in that cell, with a collar around his neck, and the impossibility to stop loving Xylnan, even when he wanted to.
It's not the same, it can't be the same, he won't let it be the same, Junsu's not the same, but fuck. ]
I need some air. I'm - I need to process.
[ He doesn't plan on it being some kind of farewell. But he does need to - think about this. Let his wheels turn, because right now, right now he's just hurt and he can't think. ]
[ junsu wants to beg him not to go, but he's scared. scared it won't work. scared kwang will just leave anyway. scared it would be cruel of him to trap him like that given what he knows. someone tricked kwang like this once. into loving him. and then put him in a cage.
he must be reminding kwang of this person, right now.
junsu feels queasy. he can't ask anything of kwang when it makes him nauseous just to think of this situation and how it compares to kwang's difficult past. how must kwang be feeling? immensely worse. betrayed. hurt. angry. everything.
he almost wants to ask him to say it. he would deserve it, whatever it is kwang wants to avoid regretting. goes to show even after junsu breaks his heart, kwang still wants to be good to him. ]
Yeah, I — Okay.
[ there's nothing else for him to say, short of begging. he can't stomach doing that to kwang right now. if he needs space he should have it, like he was so good about offering junsu space when he put some distance between them before. he can't do anything that wouldn't make him feel more awful about himself than he already does. he didn't want to hurt kwang and he did. so he has to face those consequences. he has to let him go. ]
[ Kwang nods, brushing tears out of his eyes, too. There's a small part of him that wants to stay, want to see if Junsu will beg.
But no - it would not be fair, on either of them. He needs to go, and so he does, walking out of Junsu's room and straight out of the house, not stopping for anyone or anything until he's able to spread his wings and take off for a while. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Yeah, more. It's just - it's not much at all.
[ They're definitely not parting gifts. They're everything but - they're gifts for Junsu to want to spend more time with Kwang, to have physical representations of how much Kwang cares. A way for him to show his love, by giving Junsu what he loves the most.
He reaches down into his pocket, taking out his second present, the necklace just a thin leather cord, on which is dangling a little charm. He lifts it to Junsu's head and puts it around his neck, the bottle resting against his sternum. ]
I thought of you reading and getting so lost in it you don't even realize the sun has set until you're straining to see. And if you didn't want to turn on lights, you could use this. All you have to do to activate it is hold it in your hand for a few seconds, warm it up. And then it'll light up.
[ His smile turns a little shy as he looks between the book, the necklace, and Junsu's face. ] I thought you could use it, as you read to me. If you wanted to.
[ Most definitely not a parting gift. ]
no subject
It's beautiful. Thank you.
[ he wipes at his cheeks again, feeling silly, but the thought that he'll get to carry a piece of kwang and a piece of magic with him is overwhelming. ]
I'll use it well while we read, [ he nods with a smile, a soft, watery laugh. not a parting gift. kwang isn't about to tell him they have to stop seeing each other the way they have. the relief is immense, too, another cause for the last few tears he wipes away. ]
Thank you, [ he says again, before biting his lip and then tugging at kwang, wanting him up here with him and closer and in his arms. ]
no subject
Maybe it isn't small for him, and Kwang is not going to diminish it, just follows right up to sit by Junsu's side when the other tugs at him, wrapping him in his arms and holding on tight. Kwang kisses Junsu's cheek, reaching up to wipe under his eyes with a thumb. ]
You're welcome. I like thinking that you have a little bit of my magic with you all the time. And if you need anything else, you can ask, okay? I might have a spell to help you.
[ He kisses Junsu's temple next. ]
I'm sorry if it was too much. Maybe I shouldn't have given you both at once? I got excited.
no subject
he shakes his head, dropping it against kwang's shoulder as his arms wind around him. ]
No, it's okay, I — It means a lot. More than I can say.
[ he sniffles, but the tears have eased now that kwang is close, holding onto him like this. ]
I'll always have it with me. Always.
[ which is basically like saying he'll always carry kwang with him. ]
no subject
[ Kwang's heart is in his throat. More than I can say. It resonates with him, because there's a lot he wants to say, too, and he isn't sure he should, or if it would freak Junsu out, if it's too early, if it's not mutual.
Junsu must be able to pick up how Kwang's heart starts beating faster all of a sudden, his face heating up as thoughts race through his mind. He dry-swallows, around a bunch of feelings that seem to be stuck in his throat.
There's no use denying it. Even if it's not mutual, even if it's just him. He's got to be honest with himself. ]
I wanted to - to give you something that comes entirely from me because. Well, because I. [ Seriously, his heart is beating so fast. ] I love you, Junsu.
no subject
when junsu hears the words, he freezes. shock, at first. then joy, because he hasn't heard those words said to him in a long, long time, and they mean so much, and if kwang loves him then this is special, as special as it feels, not just something in junsu's head.
he pulls away, wanting to look into kwang's face, eyes bright and excited, something joyful and happy in his face, his lips curving toward a smile.
a blink later and it's gone, fading into a frown. then his eyes fill with tears again. he was so happy for a moment and now his heart is shattering, and it's his own fault. he lied. he chose this. he did this. and he let kwang fall for him without knowing the truth, and that's so, so awful. ]
You — I don't think...
[ he takes in a deep, shaky breath. this might be it. kwang might hate him. kwang might take back the book and the necklace and himself and close all the doors. he wants to hope he won't, but he's too afraid to really believe it.
he's let this go on too long, though. if kwang loves him, he needs to know the real junsu. ]
I'm not what you think I am.
no subject
And then those words. Kwang swallows the taste of bile at the back of his throat, curling his hands into fists against his legs to prevent them from shaking. He's heard such words before. In a different tone and under different circumstances, but he has. He forces himself to breathe, blinking at Junsu, both scared and yearning at the same time. ]
What - what do you mean?
[ Maybe, if he was a different person, he would take it differently. Like a joke. But he can tell, from Junsu's body language, that it isn't. That there's something there, between them, unsaid. Something that might hurt Kwang. ]
What are you?
no subject
prioritized himself, too afraid to face his own choices and actions and be honest about them. now there was a possibility kwang wouldn't forgive him. junsu wouldn't blame him.
he's crying again, and he hates that he is because it makes him look like he's doing it on purpose, when he's just heartbroken to be hurting kwang like this and heartbroken he might lose him. ]
I'm sorry. I love you, I — This wasn't about hiding it from you, it wasn't against you, I've been lying about this since the war. I don't — I didn't want to hurt you.
[ he takes in a shaky breath, head hanging and wiping at his face with his arms. ]
I'm not magic. I'm just... human.
no subject
a liar.
Kwang's stomach is in absolute knots. He feels like he might be sick. ]
So that first time, when we met, when I showed you my scars. I trusted you, from the get-go. And you lied. The whole time. [ His voice is small, barely a whisper. It's hurt, a little broken, rather than angry.
His hands shake. He doesn't even care, he doesn't, it's not - it's not like Xylnan, it's not, it can't be -
Kwang can't breathe. He stands, knees unsteady, feeling like he needs to cover himself in more layers than he has on right now, to hide himself further. ]
I thought you trusted me. I thought you could. [ His throat feels dry. ] I need to - to not be here, right now.
no subject
instead he'd found someone he found charming, funny, caring, someone he cared for just because he was glad kwang existed, that he got to know him, that he got to spend time with him.
it's his own fault, if he jeopardized that, if it's gone now. he asked for it. kwang should be angry.
junsu stares at his hands in his lap, silent as the tears keep rolling down his cheeks, not even looking up. what is there to say? there's no excusing it. all he can do is plead and hope kwang won't leave. if he leaves, it'll feel so final. and junsu will have to live knowing it was all his doing, that he ruined the good thing he had going, that his heart has been broken twice and this time he shattered it himself. ]
Don't go...
no subject
He's so naive. Seven goddamn hundred years, and yet he's let this happen again. ]
I can't - I can't stay. I can't even - [ Kwang doesn't let himself say the next words on his tongue. He feels ready to break down, for his knees to give out from under him. They had - they had such a good thing, going. It was lovely, and sweet, and it felt real. Was it? Was it ever? ]
Did you lie about anything else? Did you pretend to like me, for some reason? Was any of it real?
no subject
everything. anything.
he hiccups, wipes at his face some more, furiously wishes he could stop crying. ]
All of it was real. It was real, I promise.
[ he looks up at kwang, scared to see the look on his face, wanting to curl away from it. but he holds his eyes steady, because this is important, even if kwang might choose not to believe it. or decide it's not enough. ]
I didn't pretend. I love you.
no subject
It's not the same, it can't be the same, he won't let it be the same, Junsu's not the same, but fuck. ]
I need some air. I'm - I need to process.
[ He doesn't plan on it being some kind of farewell. But he does need to - think about this. Let his wheels turn, because right now, right now he's just hurt and he can't think. ]
I need to go before I say something I regret.
no subject
he must be reminding kwang of this person, right now.
junsu feels queasy. he can't ask anything of kwang when it makes him nauseous just to think of this situation and how it compares to kwang's difficult past. how must kwang be feeling? immensely worse. betrayed. hurt. angry. everything.
he almost wants to ask him to say it. he would deserve it, whatever it is kwang wants to avoid regretting. goes to show even after junsu breaks his heart, kwang still wants to be good to him. ]
Yeah, I — Okay.
[ there's nothing else for him to say, short of begging. he can't stomach doing that to kwang right now. if he needs space he should have it, like he was so good about offering junsu space when he put some distance between them before. he can't do anything that wouldn't make him feel more awful about himself than he already does. he didn't want to hurt kwang and he did. so he has to face those consequences. he has to let him go. ]
/scene
But no - it would not be fair, on either of them. He needs to go, and so he does, walking out of Junsu's room and straight out of the house, not stopping for anyone or anything until he's able to spread his wings and take off for a while. ]