[ this feels more awful than he imagined. he thinks back to what kwang had said on their date and he feels sick, disgusted with himself for not coming clean back then. he'd wanted to keep this memory filled with light and touches and books and coffee and he prioritized that over how kwang might feel.
prioritized himself, too afraid to face his own choices and actions and be honest about them. now there was a possibility kwang wouldn't forgive him. junsu wouldn't blame him.
he's crying again, and he hates that he is because it makes him look like he's doing it on purpose, when he's just heartbroken to be hurting kwang like this and heartbroken he might lose him. ]
I'm sorry. I love you, I — This wasn't about hiding it from you, it wasn't against you, I've been lying about this since the war. I don't — I didn't want to hurt you.
[ he takes in a shaky breath, head hanging and wiping at his face with his arms. ]
[ It's like a bucket of ice, straight down Kwang's back. Junsu says the words, these words, the love words, and Kwang barely registers them, because of what follows. He pulls back; he has to pull back, to put some distance to look at Junsu, seeing him here, small and vulnerable and -
a liar.
Kwang's stomach is in absolute knots. He feels like he might be sick. ]
So that first time, when we met, when I showed you my scars. I trusted you, from the get-go. And you lied. The whole time. [ His voice is small, barely a whisper. It's hurt, a little broken, rather than angry.
His hands shake. He doesn't even care, he doesn't, it's not - it's not like Xylnan, it's not, it can't be -
Kwang can't breathe. He stands, knees unsteady, feeling like he needs to cover himself in more layers than he has on right now, to hide himself further. ]
I thought you trusted me. I thought you could. [ His throat feels dry. ] I need to - to not be here, right now.
[ kwang being hurt is worse than the anger that could've been. junsu never meant to hurt him, he never thought they'd love each other like they do. he'd cozied up to kwang with the intent to be liked, to be protected, and instead he'd found someone with a kind and gentle heart who let him in and made him feel like a person with his own worth.
instead he'd found someone he found charming, funny, caring, someone he cared for just because he was glad kwang existed, that he got to know him, that he got to spend time with him.
it's his own fault, if he jeopardized that, if it's gone now. he asked for it. kwang should be angry.
junsu stares at his hands in his lap, silent as the tears keep rolling down his cheeks, not even looking up. what is there to say? there's no excusing it. all he can do is plead and hope kwang won't leave. if he leaves, it'll feel so final. and junsu will have to live knowing it was all his doing, that he ruined the good thing he had going, that his heart has been broken twice and this time he shattered it himself. ]
[ Kwang's heart feels like it's been torn right out of his chest. Junsu sounds so broken, but Kwang isn't strong enough to stay. Not right now, when all he can think was that he was lied to, again, and he fell for it, again.
He's so naive. Seven goddamn hundred years, and yet he's let this happen again. ]
I can't - I can't stay. I can't even - [ Kwang doesn't let himself say the next words on his tongue. He feels ready to break down, for his knees to give out from under him. They had - they had such a good thing, going. It was lovely, and sweet, and it felt real. Was it? Was it ever? ]
Did you lie about anything else? Did you pretend to like me, for some reason? Was any of it real?
[ it hurts, but he can't blame kwang for questioning everything. if he can lie about that, if he can sit quietly and not correct him when kwang admits he never shows this to humans, then what else could he lie about?
everything. anything.
he hiccups, wipes at his face some more, furiously wishes he could stop crying. ]
All of it was real. It was real, I promise.
[ he looks up at kwang, scared to see the look on his face, wanting to curl away from it. but he holds his eyes steady, because this is important, even if kwang might choose not to believe it. or decide it's not enough. ]
[ Kwang's jaw clenches at the words, because it's not like he's suddenly stopped feeling it, himself. It's not like the truth has made him stop loving Junsu all of a sudden. But it hurts, it hurts. For a moment, he's right back in that cell, with a collar around his neck, and the impossibility to stop loving Xylnan, even when he wanted to.
It's not the same, it can't be the same, he won't let it be the same, Junsu's not the same, but fuck. ]
I need some air. I'm - I need to process.
[ He doesn't plan on it being some kind of farewell. But he does need to - think about this. Let his wheels turn, because right now, right now he's just hurt and he can't think. ]
[ junsu wants to beg him not to go, but he's scared. scared it won't work. scared kwang will just leave anyway. scared it would be cruel of him to trap him like that given what he knows. someone tricked kwang like this once. into loving him. and then put him in a cage.
he must be reminding kwang of this person, right now.
junsu feels queasy. he can't ask anything of kwang when it makes him nauseous just to think of this situation and how it compares to kwang's difficult past. how must kwang be feeling? immensely worse. betrayed. hurt. angry. everything.
he almost wants to ask him to say it. he would deserve it, whatever it is kwang wants to avoid regretting. goes to show even after junsu breaks his heart, kwang still wants to be good to him. ]
Yeah, I — Okay.
[ there's nothing else for him to say, short of begging. he can't stomach doing that to kwang right now. if he needs space he should have it, like he was so good about offering junsu space when he put some distance between them before. he can't do anything that wouldn't make him feel more awful about himself than he already does. he didn't want to hurt kwang and he did. so he has to face those consequences. he has to let him go. ]
[ Kwang nods, brushing tears out of his eyes, too. There's a small part of him that wants to stay, want to see if Junsu will beg.
But no - it would not be fair, on either of them. He needs to go, and so he does, walking out of Junsu's room and straight out of the house, not stopping for anyone or anything until he's able to spread his wings and take off for a while. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
prioritized himself, too afraid to face his own choices and actions and be honest about them. now there was a possibility kwang wouldn't forgive him. junsu wouldn't blame him.
he's crying again, and he hates that he is because it makes him look like he's doing it on purpose, when he's just heartbroken to be hurting kwang like this and heartbroken he might lose him. ]
I'm sorry. I love you, I — This wasn't about hiding it from you, it wasn't against you, I've been lying about this since the war. I don't — I didn't want to hurt you.
[ he takes in a shaky breath, head hanging and wiping at his face with his arms. ]
I'm not magic. I'm just... human.
no subject
a liar.
Kwang's stomach is in absolute knots. He feels like he might be sick. ]
So that first time, when we met, when I showed you my scars. I trusted you, from the get-go. And you lied. The whole time. [ His voice is small, barely a whisper. It's hurt, a little broken, rather than angry.
His hands shake. He doesn't even care, he doesn't, it's not - it's not like Xylnan, it's not, it can't be -
Kwang can't breathe. He stands, knees unsteady, feeling like he needs to cover himself in more layers than he has on right now, to hide himself further. ]
I thought you trusted me. I thought you could. [ His throat feels dry. ] I need to - to not be here, right now.
no subject
instead he'd found someone he found charming, funny, caring, someone he cared for just because he was glad kwang existed, that he got to know him, that he got to spend time with him.
it's his own fault, if he jeopardized that, if it's gone now. he asked for it. kwang should be angry.
junsu stares at his hands in his lap, silent as the tears keep rolling down his cheeks, not even looking up. what is there to say? there's no excusing it. all he can do is plead and hope kwang won't leave. if he leaves, it'll feel so final. and junsu will have to live knowing it was all his doing, that he ruined the good thing he had going, that his heart has been broken twice and this time he shattered it himself. ]
Don't go...
no subject
He's so naive. Seven goddamn hundred years, and yet he's let this happen again. ]
I can't - I can't stay. I can't even - [ Kwang doesn't let himself say the next words on his tongue. He feels ready to break down, for his knees to give out from under him. They had - they had such a good thing, going. It was lovely, and sweet, and it felt real. Was it? Was it ever? ]
Did you lie about anything else? Did you pretend to like me, for some reason? Was any of it real?
no subject
everything. anything.
he hiccups, wipes at his face some more, furiously wishes he could stop crying. ]
All of it was real. It was real, I promise.
[ he looks up at kwang, scared to see the look on his face, wanting to curl away from it. but he holds his eyes steady, because this is important, even if kwang might choose not to believe it. or decide it's not enough. ]
I didn't pretend. I love you.
no subject
It's not the same, it can't be the same, he won't let it be the same, Junsu's not the same, but fuck. ]
I need some air. I'm - I need to process.
[ He doesn't plan on it being some kind of farewell. But he does need to - think about this. Let his wheels turn, because right now, right now he's just hurt and he can't think. ]
I need to go before I say something I regret.
no subject
he must be reminding kwang of this person, right now.
junsu feels queasy. he can't ask anything of kwang when it makes him nauseous just to think of this situation and how it compares to kwang's difficult past. how must kwang be feeling? immensely worse. betrayed. hurt. angry. everything.
he almost wants to ask him to say it. he would deserve it, whatever it is kwang wants to avoid regretting. goes to show even after junsu breaks his heart, kwang still wants to be good to him. ]
Yeah, I — Okay.
[ there's nothing else for him to say, short of begging. he can't stomach doing that to kwang right now. if he needs space he should have it, like he was so good about offering junsu space when he put some distance between them before. he can't do anything that wouldn't make him feel more awful about himself than he already does. he didn't want to hurt kwang and he did. so he has to face those consequences. he has to let him go. ]
/scene
But no - it would not be fair, on either of them. He needs to go, and so he does, walking out of Junsu's room and straight out of the house, not stopping for anyone or anything until he's able to spread his wings and take off for a while. ]