[ junsu is flattered! it's obvious ten wants him to enjoy this, and he thinks it's a sort of peace offering, or an attempt to keep things good between them.
they both love kwang and they both want him to be happy and it would be better if things were good between them.
[ Looking at Junsu in silence for a second, Ten then smiles again. Not as bright as some, not sad, but thoughtful. Peaceful. ]
I miss it sometimes. I like going back. But there are so many things here that I really love. [ He lays one of his arms over his lap, fidgeting with it with both his hands like someone might if they were only wringing their hands alone. ]
It's a beautiful world, but this world has people I love in it. [ Spit it out, Ten. ] People like you.
[ it's not ten's answer that has junsu stop dead in the middle of lifting his juice to his mouth, but that he's included in it. he knows ten likes him, or at least wants things to go well between them. but he wouldn't have thought of himself as someone ten loves. ]
Ah, really? Me?
[ it might be because ten is a very loving person and he loves the house and the family they've built. that would make sense. ]
[ Ten probably didn't mean to blurt that out in exactly that way, but it feels good. Not because it was sudden, but because saying things without overthinking them is his usual MO. And he's been really evasive about it recently. ]
Mhmm, you! [ His smile stays bright, but turns a little shy as he gives himself just one or two seconds to chew on the next thing before he speaks.
He's not going to barrel into it in a totally clumsy way, he hopes! ] I like that about the house. But that's not the way that I like you.
Not just that, I mean. [ He shrugs a bit, which is not exactly meant as an apology or a gesture of helplessness, but it does reflect that he is unusually disarmed by the strength of this sentiment and his struggles to express it. ]
[ junsu isn't stupid. sometimes he wishes he was, because he knows what ten is saying and has absolutely no idea how to react to it. it dawns on him he's been pretty blind not to see ten felt anything but friendship for him. maybe he didn't want to see it? or maybe he mistook it as enthusiasm. ten's always chipper, eager. he's never thought he behaved any specially with him.
but he was wrong.
maybe? maybe he's reading what ten is saying wrong. ]
[ Ten understands. He's had enough time to imagine a lot of reactions to this, so he'd probably understand just about anything. There's no doubt a part of his brain that was ready to have food thrown in his face, not that he thinks Junsu would do that, but the mind does weird things when it's obsessing over something. The something being the fact that this badly-kept secret was still... that.
Still unvoiced. It already does feel better to've said it, but Ten knows that's pretty selfish on his part. ]
The way I like Wonjae and Kwang. [ he says simply, though it's absolutely not simple at all. ] That way. I'm sorry I didn't say something sooner.
it's a really strange situation for junsu, too. he's never been confessed to like this, and he's never been in a place where he had the luxury of having his own thoughts and feelings about someone interested in him.
this is very different. ten and him... they're friends. he thinks. they're trying to be. ten doesn't just want junsu, he likes him.
that frames it for junsu, and his heart twinges for him. being friends with someone you have feelings for can be hard. it's wonderful, too, but it's hard. ]
I didn't know you did... You don't have to say sorry for that. You don't owe me that truth. [ he never shared his when he was in this situation, so he could never think it required of anyone. ] I'm the one that's sorry. For not knowing.
[ he puts his drink down. tries not to wring his hands nervously. he doesn't know what he feels about this, except that he's scared he'll hurt ten, and he doesn't want to do that. he doesn't want to make the situation with kwang and hojoon difficult on any side, in any way. ]
Thank you for being honest. I know... I know it takes courage to say this. You're braver than I am.
[ Ten immediately shakes his head when Junsu says he's sorry. ] No, I tried to keep it a secret. Because I figured it out at a time when I thought it'd be hard to say. I mean, I thought it might make things hard.
And then I didn't say it right after that. I just kept not saying it and thinking it was always the wrong time and it was always going to make things hard. [ He breathes out heavily, shaking his head. ] I wasn't very brave.
But I decided I should try to be. I wanted to say it, because it's something that makes me happy. I know there are things going on that-- I think maybe there'll always be things happening. And that's okay. I chose to be selfish and pick this moment to say something. [ It seems like he's made peace with the fact that this is so. It was always going to be selfish in some sense.
He knows what's happening with Kwang and Hojoon and Junsu and he knows he's butting his head in by even mentioning this. It is selfish. But maybe not saying something was worse. ]
Thank you for hearing me out, Junsu. [ He doesn't exactly know what else to say. Or rather, how to say it. These thoughts have been percolating for a long time in his mind. It's possible they were thrown around up there long enough that he's sort of lost the sense of how to say some of them.
You're definitely brave. I'm glad if... if this has made you happy instead of hurt you. I don't want to do that.
[ he cares about ten. he always had, even when his feelings got in the way, when he was confused and frustrated about things. it was never about ten, or things ten did wrong. it was all junsu's insides.
he likes ten. before he and kwang were dating, before junsu and kwang were dating, he flirted with him.
junsu's feelings for him aren't at the same place as ten's, but he doesn't think it's impossible. it's just... tricky. ]
I think I'd... like to get to know you better. [ he swallows. looks sheepish. ] I think I'm still figuring out how to balance what I have. But I want to spend more time with you.
[ is it cruel, to give ten hope? is that what he's doing? maybe he shouldn't have said that. he breathes out. ]
In the meantime, this... me and Kwang, you and Kwang, and Hojoon, well. You're part of that. And dating more than one person, you have to talk, right? Basically, I want you to know you can tell me if I do something that doesn't work for you. I still... have to respect you and your feelings and your space. So I'd like it if you felt you could do that.
[ their relationship isn't the same as him and kwang or him and hojoon, but he wants to say he consider ten part of his life in a way that matters, too. that ten is there, and should be included, and that now that junsu knows he has feelings, definitely should feel free to communicate about it. ]
You don't hurt me and never have, Junsu. Don't worry about that. [ Ten smiles a bright smile, without any shadow to it. It's better now that he's said it.
It doesn't hurt or anything like that. As long as the words are out there and he's being honest, then whatever happens next will be okay. ] If you want to know me more, then I'd like that! I'm more of an open book these days than I used to be.
Not hiding things... I think it helps. It's good. Oh, and if there's anything you're okay with me knowing, I'd love to listen. To hear more about you, too.
[ He rests his chin on a pair of his arms, thoughtful. ] If I can tell you those things, then you should be able to tell me, too. If I do something that isn't comfortable for you or Kwang or Hojoon or any of you, I want to know so I can stop or fix it or whatever I need to do. I want you to be happy. All of you.
Whatever our relationships end up being, mine with you or Kwang or Hojoon, or yours with any of them or theirs with us, whatever it is, I just want you all to be happy. [ He means it, too. Maybe now more than he ever has, not that he was ever shaky on the concept.
It's just a lot easier to say a lot of things and feel a lot of things now that he's said this one big thing. ]
[ he knows ten means it. ten is honest to a fault, and it must have been hard for him to not say anything about this. he doesn't really have a filter. did he do it for junsu's sake? or kwang's? or both of them?
it must be a mix of things. then hojoon happened, and hojoon and kwang happened, and it must've been a lot. he's right to think there would never really be a good moment to say this.
nothing about the way ten is expressing it is making junsu feel like he has to change anything, or to feel bad. he's good about that. ]
I know. You're a good person, Ten. [ better than junsu, who is greedy and selfish in comparison.
but ten likes him. does he like that? does he know junsu gets like this? he guesses they'll find out as they get to know each other better in this context. ]
Now that you've... been brave and said all this, we can be totally honest with each other, right?
[ he's a bit scared. he doesn't love ten the way he loves hojoon and kwang, but what if he learns to? will it hurt hojoon? he's sure kwang will be happy, but hojoon is more traditional, and while he's happy if junsu is, junsu doesn't want to put any tension on their relationship. ]
[ Junsu really does understand Ten. He probably sees Ten in a way no one else does, because there are parts of their relationship that are different to those Ten has with anyone else. It's something he's struggled to understand for a long time, despite the fairly simple explanation of a lack of sexual element being a pretty obvious conclusion.
He thinks it's something else though. Hard to put a finger on, but it might be part of what helped him cultivate these feelings for Junsu in the first place.
Even before he knew Junsu's secret or even knew he had one, he sort of sensed they had the same... something. Vulnerability? They both hid things, though Ten was pretty bad about acknowledging to himself why he did it.
Better now. But once upon a time, not so good.
Ten waves one hand and one arm. ] Mm-mm. I've got lots of faults and flaws. I think good person territory is a little far away from where I am still! But I hope I get there.
[ He cocks his head to the side. ] Of course.
If you're comfortable telling me something, you can. Anything, any time. It's okay. I'll listen. I'll try to be a good listener, I mean. [ You talk a lot for someone who wants to be a good listener, squid kid. ]
[ he's surprised if ten doesn't think this about himself. but he's always been good and kind to junsu. and at points it was annoying that he was so nice because junsu wanted to hate him. he wanted to be mad. he wanted to think ten was a horrible person for meaning more to kwang than he did.
but ten was nice. always so nice. ]
We all have flaws. Flaws don't make someone less of a good person.
Have I? I talk a lot! [ Ten smiles, less self-deprecating and more outright teasing of himself. ] I'm trying to do better.
I think no one's perfect, but there were times I was too content to be who I was and not get any better. [ He gives a thoughtful little hum. ] That's not exactly bad. No one has to be trying to change all the time.
But I was hurting people. That was what had to change.
[ Folding his hands in his lap, Ten shrugs. ] I think I'm on the right path now.
[ he can't argue that ten wasn't hurting people, or that it's fine for him not to change. it must be things he doesn't know about. he looks forward to knowing more about ten by paying more attention to him, but also being let in.
this is probably a big first step for that. ]
Promise to tell me if I ever hurt you?
[ he'd like to change, too, if that were to happen. ]
[ Ten gives Junsu a long look, eyes a bit wider than before, hints of questions lingering there. ]
Okay. I'll tell you. [ It's a step. There's something in Ten's eyes that says he doesn't think it'll happen, but he's not going to deny the possibility. It feels important to acknowledge that, too. Even if it isn't so pleasant to imagine it happening. ]
I promise I'll tell you. Not just that, but anything you need to know that I can share. I won't hold things back that way anymore.
[ He looks pretty serene when he says as much. ] I think things are going to get even better now.
[ that makes junsu feel... more relaxed. he wasn't stressed, but to see that ten thinks things will be even better now, it's reassuring. ten is handling this so much better than junsu did. it wasn't quite the same, but having feelings for someone that isn't sure or doesn't share them the same way, it hurts. junsu was anguished about it for so long.
but ten is happy? it makes junsu want to be kind to him, but without feeling guilty or awful. he wonders if minsu might have accepted his feelings if junsu hadn't been so upset to be having them in the first place when they weren't returned. ]
Yeah? I'm going to do what I can so that's true. So things get better.
[ Ten would want to comfort Junsu if he could see those thoughts. He'd say, well, it's not that no part of him is sad. It's not that he's magically capable of being happy all the time like some sort of superpower, just to be clear! He does feel lucky if Junsu will even think about spending time with him or talking to him. That's nice and it makes him happy to think about that.
Maybe it just makes him happier to think about that now than it makes him sad to think about his feelings not being returned, or there being some kind of divide there, whatever it happens to be. Not being told to get out and never speak to Junsu again is such a relief that the other feeling is smaller.
It's not that he would've expected that. He would've understood though. Then again, maybe he didn't explain some things as clearly as he could've. He'll have to think about that later, to make sure Junsu knows the whole, full, unedited truth. ]
Thank you, Junsu. I think you're a really good person, you know? I'm not just saying that! [ He says this as a preemptive protest. ] The way that you can be gentle about things... it's good, I think.
Ah, no, I'm really not. I try, though... But I'm mostly a mess of a person.
[ and he's not saying that in the same way he would have before coming to the house. now he accepts this about himself. he's not putting himself down. he understands better that most people are kind of a mess (surviving a war will do that), and that no one can be perfect. no one. ]
Everyone kind of is, though. [ so it's not a bad thought about himself, just an observation! all people can do is try to be good, and junsu does a lot of that. so he thinks he's okay, even if he's a mess. ]
I think you're right about the last part. None of us is very neat, are we? [ Two of his arms tie two others into a bow, as if to illustrate a perfectly wrapped gift. ]
People aren't like that. I think what we try to do matters though. And I think you try to be good to other people. You show people a lot of kindness. I know... I know you worried about having to hide things and not feeling comfortable telling people things, but I think the way you are, it's really honest.
[ Maybe that sounds odd, but it's still how he feels. ] Even if you were fighting with that yourself, you still gave other people the freedom and space they needed to be themselves.
[ He knows, because he's experienced it and because he's seen it in Kwang, if not others. ] I think that's important.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Thank you, seaweed.
[ he reaches for juice, wanting something sweet. ]
Ah, right, like fish do, right?
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It's very possible not everyone gets the full fridge drink selection. Possibly. ]
No, thank you! For coming. I'm glad you did, really, really glad.
Yeah! I guess you could say it's like a drive-thru picnic. Without the actual driving.
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they both love kwang and they both want him to be happy and it would be better if things were good between them.
he grins. ]
A... swim-thru.
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Right! A swim-thru. Mobile dining at its best! [ He pulls out some pasta salad next, which is among the other items thanks to Minsu's assistance. ]
I liked those things, underwater. But I like being here even more, I think.
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I sometimes think about how you must miss the sea.
[ he has a tub, and he thinks he and kwang go to the beach often to prevent this, or at least once in a while, but... still. the sea is his habitat. ]
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I miss it sometimes. I like going back. But there are so many things here that I really love. [ He lays one of his arms over his lap, fidgeting with it with both his hands like someone might if they were only wringing their hands alone. ]
It's a beautiful world, but this world has people I love in it. [ Spit it out, Ten. ] People like you.
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Ah, really? Me?
[ it might be because ten is a very loving person and he loves the house and the family they've built. that would make sense. ]
The house is one big family, isn't it?
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Mhmm, you! [ His smile stays bright, but turns a little shy as he gives himself just one or two seconds to chew on the next thing before he speaks.
He's not going to barrel into it in a totally clumsy way, he hopes! ] I like that about the house. But that's not the way that I like you.
Not just that, I mean. [ He shrugs a bit, which is not exactly meant as an apology or a gesture of helplessness, but it does reflect that he is unusually disarmed by the strength of this sentiment and his struggles to express it. ]
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but he was wrong.
maybe? maybe he's reading what ten is saying wrong. ]
Oh? What else... what other way?
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Still unvoiced. It already does feel better to've said it, but Ten knows that's pretty selfish on his part. ]
The way I like Wonjae and Kwang. [ he says simply, though it's absolutely not simple at all. ] That way. I'm sorry I didn't say something sooner.
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it's a really strange situation for junsu, too. he's never been confessed to like this, and he's never been in a place where he had the luxury of having his own thoughts and feelings about someone interested in him.
this is very different. ten and him... they're friends. he thinks. they're trying to be. ten doesn't just want junsu, he likes him.
that frames it for junsu, and his heart twinges for him. being friends with someone you have feelings for can be hard. it's wonderful, too, but it's hard. ]
I didn't know you did... You don't have to say sorry for that. You don't owe me that truth. [ he never shared his when he was in this situation, so he could never think it required of anyone. ] I'm the one that's sorry. For not knowing.
[ he puts his drink down. tries not to wring his hands nervously. he doesn't know what he feels about this, except that he's scared he'll hurt ten, and he doesn't want to do that. he doesn't want to make the situation with kwang and hojoon difficult on any side, in any way. ]
Thank you for being honest. I know... I know it takes courage to say this. You're braver than I am.
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And then I didn't say it right after that. I just kept not saying it and thinking it was always the wrong time and it was always going to make things hard. [ He breathes out heavily, shaking his head. ] I wasn't very brave.
But I decided I should try to be. I wanted to say it, because it's something that makes me happy. I know there are things going on that-- I think maybe there'll always be things happening. And that's okay. I chose to be selfish and pick this moment to say something. [ It seems like he's made peace with the fact that this is so. It was always going to be selfish in some sense.
He knows what's happening with Kwang and Hojoon and Junsu and he knows he's butting his head in by even mentioning this. It is selfish. But maybe not saying something was worse. ]
Thank you for hearing me out, Junsu. [ He doesn't exactly know what else to say. Or rather, how to say it. These thoughts have been percolating for a long time in his mind. It's possible they were thrown around up there long enough that he's sort of lost the sense of how to say some of them.
He's not very good at confessing things. ]
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[ he cares about ten. he always had, even when his feelings got in the way, when he was confused and frustrated about things. it was never about ten, or things ten did wrong. it was all junsu's insides.
he likes ten. before he and kwang were dating, before junsu and kwang were dating, he flirted with him.
junsu's feelings for him aren't at the same place as ten's, but he doesn't think it's impossible. it's just... tricky. ]
I think I'd... like to get to know you better. [ he swallows. looks sheepish. ] I think I'm still figuring out how to balance what I have. But I want to spend more time with you.
[ is it cruel, to give ten hope? is that what he's doing? maybe he shouldn't have said that. he breathes out. ]
In the meantime, this... me and Kwang, you and Kwang, and Hojoon, well. You're part of that. And dating more than one person, you have to talk, right? Basically, I want you to know you can tell me if I do something that doesn't work for you. I still... have to respect you and your feelings and your space. So I'd like it if you felt you could do that.
[ their relationship isn't the same as him and kwang or him and hojoon, but he wants to say he consider ten part of his life in a way that matters, too. that ten is there, and should be included, and that now that junsu knows he has feelings, definitely should feel free to communicate about it. ]
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It doesn't hurt or anything like that. As long as the words are out there and he's being honest, then whatever happens next will be okay. ] If you want to know me more, then I'd like that! I'm more of an open book these days than I used to be.
Not hiding things... I think it helps. It's good. Oh, and if there's anything you're okay with me knowing, I'd love to listen. To hear more about you, too.
[ He rests his chin on a pair of his arms, thoughtful. ] If I can tell you those things, then you should be able to tell me, too. If I do something that isn't comfortable for you or Kwang or Hojoon or any of you, I want to know so I can stop or fix it or whatever I need to do. I want you to be happy. All of you.
Whatever our relationships end up being, mine with you or Kwang or Hojoon, or yours with any of them or theirs with us, whatever it is, I just want you all to be happy. [ He means it, too. Maybe now more than he ever has, not that he was ever shaky on the concept.
It's just a lot easier to say a lot of things and feel a lot of things now that he's said this one big thing. ]
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it must be a mix of things. then hojoon happened, and hojoon and kwang happened, and it must've been a lot. he's right to think there would never really be a good moment to say this.
nothing about the way ten is expressing it is making junsu feel like he has to change anything, or to feel bad. he's good about that. ]
I know. You're a good person, Ten. [ better than junsu, who is greedy and selfish in comparison.
but ten likes him. does he like that? does he know junsu gets like this? he guesses they'll find out as they get to know each other better in this context. ]
Now that you've... been brave and said all this, we can be totally honest with each other, right?
[ he's a bit scared. he doesn't love ten the way he loves hojoon and kwang, but what if he learns to? will it hurt hojoon? he's sure kwang will be happy, but hojoon is more traditional, and while he's happy if junsu is, junsu doesn't want to put any tension on their relationship. ]
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He thinks it's something else though. Hard to put a finger on, but it might be part of what helped him cultivate these feelings for Junsu in the first place.
Even before he knew Junsu's secret or even knew he had one, he sort of sensed they had the same... something. Vulnerability? They both hid things, though Ten was pretty bad about acknowledging to himself why he did it.
Better now. But once upon a time, not so good.
Ten waves one hand and one arm. ] Mm-mm. I've got lots of faults and flaws. I think good person territory is a little far away from where I am still! But I hope I get there.
[ He cocks his head to the side. ] Of course.
If you're comfortable telling me something, you can. Anything, any time. It's okay. I'll listen. I'll try to be a good listener, I mean. [ You talk a lot for someone who wants to be a good listener, squid kid. ]
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[ he's surprised if ten doesn't think this about himself. but he's always been good and kind to junsu. and at points it was annoying that he was so nice because junsu wanted to hate him. he wanted to be mad. he wanted to think ten was a horrible person for meaning more to kwang than he did.
but ten was nice. always so nice. ]
We all have flaws. Flaws don't make someone less of a good person.
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I think no one's perfect, but there were times I was too content to be who I was and not get any better. [ He gives a thoughtful little hum. ] That's not exactly bad. No one has to be trying to change all the time.
But I was hurting people. That was what had to change.
[ Folding his hands in his lap, Ten shrugs. ] I think I'm on the right path now.
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this is probably a big first step for that. ]
Promise to tell me if I ever hurt you?
[ he'd like to change, too, if that were to happen. ]
I'm glad you found the right path.
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Okay. I'll tell you. [ It's a step. There's something in Ten's eyes that says he doesn't think it'll happen, but he's not going to deny the possibility. It feels important to acknowledge that, too. Even if it isn't so pleasant to imagine it happening. ]
I promise I'll tell you. Not just that, but anything you need to know that I can share. I won't hold things back that way anymore.
[ He looks pretty serene when he says as much. ] I think things are going to get even better now.
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but ten is happy? it makes junsu want to be kind to him, but without feeling guilty or awful. he wonders if minsu might have accepted his feelings if junsu hadn't been so upset to be having them in the first place when they weren't returned. ]
Yeah? I'm going to do what I can so that's true. So things get better.
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Maybe it just makes him happier to think about that now than it makes him sad to think about his feelings not being returned, or there being some kind of divide there, whatever it happens to be. Not being told to get out and never speak to Junsu again is such a relief that the other feeling is smaller.
It's not that he would've expected that. He would've understood though. Then again, maybe he didn't explain some things as clearly as he could've. He'll have to think about that later, to make sure Junsu knows the whole, full, unedited truth. ]
Thank you, Junsu. I think you're a really good person, you know? I'm not just saying that! [ He says this as a preemptive protest. ] The way that you can be gentle about things... it's good, I think.
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[ and he's not saying that in the same way he would have before coming to the house. now he accepts this about himself. he's not putting himself down. he understands better that most people are kind of a mess (surviving a war will do that), and that no one can be perfect. no one. ]
Everyone kind of is, though. [ so it's not a bad thought about himself, just an observation! all people can do is try to be good, and junsu does a lot of that. so he thinks he's okay, even if he's a mess. ]
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People aren't like that. I think what we try to do matters though. And I think you try to be good to other people. You show people a lot of kindness. I know... I know you worried about having to hide things and not feeling comfortable telling people things, but I think the way you are, it's really honest.
[ Maybe that sounds odd, but it's still how he feels. ] Even if you were fighting with that yourself, you still gave other people the freedom and space they needed to be themselves.
[ He knows, because he's experienced it and because he's seen it in Kwang, if not others. ] I think that's important.