[ maybe it's a bad idea, to touch him right now. it fills junsu will all sorts of feelings, one of them something about himself he doesn't like. but he thinks... he thinks maybe he can be myung's special person, then. that maybe he can be special to myung and show him how much he matters and be there instead.
or maybe myung just wants to be distracted. thats okay too. it's better than nothing. it's better than not being wanted at all. ]
I care about you, [ he says, simply, because it's the truth. he cares about him. so it's easy to be good to him. ] I want to help. I want to make things easy, and not complicated.
[ Maybe it was, but Myung likes it. He leans into it, breathes deep and pushes closer. He can't help but think - Junsu's a constant in Myung's world, the most reassuring presence. Even before, Dae would blink in and out, come in, disappear again. He'd always come back, and their past made him the one Myung thought of first, but.
Was that fair? He's probably not in the best frame of mind to think about this, right now, but it feels unfair that Myung didn't give Junsu more attention. Junsu was so extremely special to him, and he is so good. The kind of good Myung doesn't deserve.
Myung inhales sharply at the words, and looks up. He knows he's more emotional than usual, but he's also utterly sincere when he talks. ]
I care about you too. I care about you a lot, I hope you know that. I'm not saying this now because of what happened, I just - I do. I think I - [ He pauses, looking down, blushing. ]
I'm sorry, it's probably not fair for me to ask for you to be here for me right now. But it's just because you're the only one I want to be around. You're the only one that feels good. And that's often the case, even before.
[ it's almost hard to believe. maybe because junsu wants it so much. he'd been jealous, sometimes. of dae and myung. of myung leaving him to go spend time with dae instead. he'd wanted to be that special someone for him.
more than just an agreement to keep myung from hurting himself.
he's become more to him, apparently, but junsu's scared he's saying because dae is gone. scared he'll get his heart broken if he gives into it fully. ]
I'm here for you, sweetpea.
[ he can't not be. myung is one of his favorite people. myung is one of his best friends. myung knows him, and he knows myung. and his words make him feel pleased and warm all over.
he can give a little of himself to this. and see how myung feels a few weeks down the line, after dae's absence has begun to shrink.
junsu buries his hand in myung's hair, fingers rubbing soothing circles at his scalp. ]
I'm happy if I make you feel good. That's what I want.
[ Little by little, Myung is getting himself back together. Dae has not come back, has not contacted anyone, has just. Left the building, completely.
And Myung has stopped wearing his ex' clothes while moping around. He's stopped expecting phone calls or texts in the middle of the night. At first, it was hard. At first it sucked. But he's managing and he's doing better day by day, and that's due to one thing, and one thing only: Junsu.
Junsu's not let him wallow into self-pity, or self-destruction. Junsu's been there with him every moment he felt like crying, like lashing out, like screaming. They have't really been intimate that much, which surprised Myung at first, but it actually makes sense. He was getting over his heartbreak, and he didn't want to use Junsu, and well - Junsu probably felt awkward about it.
Right? It's not that he never want to again, right?
That's when the worries settle in. At this point, memories and thoughts of Dae are a dull ache in the pit of his stomach, but Myung knows he can't live waiting by the phone. He can't wait for Dae, because Dae's not waiting for him anyway. No. He's got to live his life.
And the more time he spends with Junsu, the more he wants to keep Junsu by his side. But not just like this. He wants more.
Which is how he ends up in Junsu's room, his heart in his throat when he jumps in, not taking the time to think about what he's saying before he says it. ]
[ well. that sure is a way to greet someone. junsu blinks, eyes wide, then kind of giggles. ]
Hello to you too, baby.
[ he sets his book aside. he doesn't know how to answer, actually, because the more he spent time with myung as he got over dae, the more he wanted him, but the more he knew that he would be hurt if their relationship kept on the way it had before.
junsu is all about self preservation. it was simple, too, to think he was doing it because myung had to be in a better place, because he didn't want to take advantage. it's more than that now.
the truth is he does want to have sex with myung still, but if he says as much, will myung just decide they're going to keep going as they were? junsu isn't ready to say he wants this but only if it means something more. it's unfair to ask that of myung after dae. it should be up to him. so what does he do? can he pretend to misunderstand? he can only think of assuming myung is propositioning him, albeit clumsily, which would only lead to him offering they do something.
[ The thing is that Myung, himself, has started catching feelings. Feelings bigger and more than just 'Junsu is a good friend I used to have sex with', turning more and more into 'Junsu is this guy I want to go to sleep with and wake up next to'. Those kind of feelings. The kind of had for Dae, before Dae turned out to be an douche, abandoning him.
When Junsu speaks, though, Myung deflates a little, bravado escaping him entirely. He's right, too. With a long breath, Myung nods. ]
Yeah. Yeah, I did, and I want to thank you for giving it to me. You've been the very best friend I could ever ask for.
[ Still, he bites his lip, and brushes a hand through his hair, taking a step closer without much thought. ]
But what if - what if I wanted to be more than that?
[ myung wants more with him? that doesn't seem right. maybe myung wants more sex, or to be labelled something more specific, like friends with benefits. maybe he wants them to talk about their relationship so he can properly move on and find someone to date while still being with junsu.
that makes sense. ]
We can be anything you like, you know. If you want something between us to change now that... now that things are better, we can talk about it.
[ With a frown, Myung looks up, his eyes searching Junsu's. ]
It's not just up to me. What I feel, it doesn't matter if you're not on board. But I also don't need you to feel obligated, or whatever.
[ There's an edge of disgust in his voice as he says the words. He'd hate for this to happen. For Junsu to fuck him just because he feels like that's what Myung wants. That'd hurt just as much as Dae leaving did. No, that's not what he wants, and Myung needs to be clear and honest. He sits up, fidgeting with anxiety. ]
I just. I'm not very good at talking about my feelings so I thought maybe I could express them to you through sex, and it's like, I don't know. It's what I know to do. But I don't want you to do anything for me. I want you to do things with me. Because I - I like you, okay? Like. I like you.
[ Myung flushes, looking down at his own lap, feeling stupidly like he's about to cry. ]
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or maybe myung just wants to be distracted. thats okay too. it's better than nothing. it's better than not being wanted at all. ]
I care about you, [ he says, simply, because it's the truth. he cares about him. so it's easy to be good to him. ] I want to help. I want to make things easy, and not complicated.
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Was that fair? He's probably not in the best frame of mind to think about this, right now, but it feels unfair that Myung didn't give Junsu more attention. Junsu was so extremely special to him, and he is so good. The kind of good Myung doesn't deserve.
Myung inhales sharply at the words, and looks up. He knows he's more emotional than usual, but he's also utterly sincere when he talks. ]
I care about you too. I care about you a lot, I hope you know that. I'm not saying this now because of what happened, I just - I do. I think I - [ He pauses, looking down, blushing. ]
I'm sorry, it's probably not fair for me to ask for you to be here for me right now. But it's just because you're the only one I want to be around. You're the only one that feels good. And that's often the case, even before.
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more than just an agreement to keep myung from hurting himself.
he's become more to him, apparently, but junsu's scared he's saying because dae is gone. scared he'll get his heart broken if he gives into it fully. ]
I'm here for you, sweetpea.
[ he can't not be. myung is one of his favorite people. myung is one of his best friends. myung knows him, and he knows myung. and his words make him feel pleased and warm all over.
he can give a little of himself to this. and see how myung feels a few weeks down the line, after dae's absence has begun to shrink.
junsu buries his hand in myung's hair, fingers rubbing soothing circles at his scalp. ]
I'm happy if I make you feel good. That's what I want.
>>> zyooms!! a few months later
And Myung has stopped wearing his ex' clothes while moping around. He's stopped expecting phone calls or texts in the middle of the night. At first, it was hard. At first it sucked. But he's managing and he's doing better day by day, and that's due to one thing, and one thing only: Junsu.
Junsu's not let him wallow into self-pity, or self-destruction. Junsu's been there with him every moment he felt like crying, like lashing out, like screaming. They have't really been intimate that much, which surprised Myung at first, but it actually makes sense. He was getting over his heartbreak, and he didn't want to use Junsu, and well - Junsu probably felt awkward about it.
Right? It's not that he never want to again, right?
That's when the worries settle in. At this point, memories and thoughts of Dae are a dull ache in the pit of his stomach, but Myung knows he can't live waiting by the phone. He can't wait for Dae, because Dae's not waiting for him anyway. No. He's got to live his life.
And the more time he spends with Junsu, the more he wants to keep Junsu by his side. But not just like this. He wants more.
Which is how he ends up in Junsu's room, his heart in his throat when he jumps in, not taking the time to think about what he's saying before he says it. ]
Do you still want to have sex with me?
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Hello to you too, baby.
[ he sets his book aside. he doesn't know how to answer, actually, because the more he spent time with myung as he got over dae, the more he wanted him, but the more he knew that he would be hurt if their relationship kept on the way it had before.
junsu is all about self preservation. it was simple, too, to think he was doing it because myung had to be in a better place, because he didn't want to take advantage. it's more than that now.
the truth is he does want to have sex with myung still, but if he says as much, will myung just decide they're going to keep going as they were? junsu isn't ready to say he wants this but only if it means something more. it's unfair to ask that of myung after dae. it should be up to him. so what does he do? can he pretend to misunderstand? he can only think of assuming myung is propositioning him, albeit clumsily, which would only lead to him offering they do something.
so, stalling. stalling might work. ]
You needed time.
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When Junsu speaks, though, Myung deflates a little, bravado escaping him entirely. He's right, too. With a long breath, Myung nods. ]
Yeah. Yeah, I did, and I want to thank you for giving it to me. You've been the very best friend I could ever ask for.
[ Still, he bites his lip, and brushes a hand through his hair, taking a step closer without much thought. ]
But what if - what if I wanted to be more than that?
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that makes sense. ]
We can be anything you like, you know. If you want something between us to change now that... now that things are better, we can talk about it.
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It's not just up to me. What I feel, it doesn't matter if you're not on board. But I also don't need you to feel obligated, or whatever.
[ There's an edge of disgust in his voice as he says the words. He'd hate for this to happen. For Junsu to fuck him just because he feels like that's what Myung wants. That'd hurt just as much as Dae leaving did. No, that's not what he wants, and Myung needs to be clear and honest. He sits up, fidgeting with anxiety. ]
I just. I'm not very good at talking about my feelings so I thought maybe I could express them to you through sex, and it's like, I don't know. It's what I know to do. But I don't want you to do anything for me. I want you to do things with me. Because I - I like you, okay? Like. I like you.
[ Myung flushes, looking down at his own lap, feeling stupidly like he's about to cry. ]