well. he's not shocked. kwang had really wanted hojoon to like him, but junsu had kind of thought it was for his benefit, so things would be harmonious. not that kwang had an interest in hojoon. ]
He usually means what he says, you know. [ as in, that wasn't to try and placate joon, and it isn't just to please junsu. ]
[ that's the most important thing here. this is about kwang and hojoon, not junsu. he doesn't even feel remotely jealous, though maybe it's because it's taking time sinking in.
maybe he's just happy there might be someone else for hojoon out there, and that person is his other favorite person. what a charmed life that would be, his two boyfriends also loving one another. ]
Do you like him like that? [ he brushes joon's hair off his forehead, then traces his eyebrow with a finger tip. ]
I've never thought about him like that, because I'm with you.
[but joon has a talent that most people don't, an ability to shut off his heart. he did it with haneul, he did it with junsu. a brief thing in both cases.
maybe this is just as temporary.]
I can see why you like him like that. He's tall and graceful. Kind. He knows the right things to say.
[there's something vulnerable about him too, in a good way. something hojoon doesn't feel in himself.]
[ it makes sense, he thinks. joon had no reason to look at someone with that context in mind if he wasn't looking for someone, something else. junsu gets it now, when looking at others the way he used to feels wrong, off, like cheating. he's reached the point where the people in his life are enough that no one else even registers as a possibility.
Is that how you feel about me being with Kwang? That it means I love you less?
[ junsu doesn't like the thought at all, it breaks his heart, even. he finds joon's hand, holding onto it tightly while the other stays in his hair. ]
I love you. I want you happy. It would take... It would take some adjusting, I think. For all of us. But you wouldn't be causing me harm.
[ he swallows, hard, because if hojoon is being this honest then junsu should be too. ]
It's hard for me too, this stuff. I can't say I'd be totally fine with it all the time, but I've been willing and trying to make it work with Kwang when he has Ten, and it's working.
[instant. junsu loves kwang, so naturally there's less love to give him. he'd always thought that might be the case, accepted it. it made sense to him, if only because he wasn't familiar with the concept of loving more than one person. joon doesn't question things the way that jin does, and that gave him a sort of peace.
it's been shaken now, which is why he's here. he rolls over again, onto his side and facing junsu's stomach.]
It is hard. I hope you didn't go through it with me.
[ he'd kind of been asking because he thought that wasn't how joon felt, that it would put things in perspective as it had with kwang, how easily it had helped make more sense of tangled up emotions.
hojoon doesn't even hesitate. maybe that hurts even more than the answer itself. ]
I thought I... [ made it clear? obvious? obviously he's not been doing enough, not been obvious enough, not made joon feel as loved as he should. he closes his eyes. maybe if he does that it won't be obvious he wants to cry. it's not really the time, anyway.
he shakes his head. it wasn't hard when hojoon came into his life, somehow. it was the opposite. ]
No. You made it easier. Loving you makes it easier.
[ he lets go of hojoon's hand, but he's still playing with his hair, soft back and forths. ]
I don't love you less. I'm sorry if I'm not doing a good job at making you feel that.
[ he'd thought, briefly, that maybe he should do for joon what myung did for dal, but he hadn't been able to think on it for long. hadn't wanted to, because he loves kwang, and without kwang he would never have had hojoon, so losing one for the other, it didn't make sense. but maybe myung was right to do it. maybe then hojoon wouldn't feel like he only has half of junsu's love. it's hard to swallow, when he loves him this much, with everything he has, and hojoon still thinks he loves him less. ]
[the worst part is that joon doesn't even realize that he's hurt him, not at first, though he's sure to catch the signs of it. like when junsu lets go of his hand. he frowns, looking at his still half-curled fingers and the empty space that's left.
he knows that junsu loves him, he feels that love, never feels anything lacking. but there is an awareness of someone else, that if junsu was forced to choose in some ridiculous scenario that would never happen, if he and kwang were hanging from a cliff and junsu could only save one, maybe he wouldn't be the choice.
there wouldn't be a choice to make, because hojoon would let go first. and kwang would probably let go. and then what the fuck is that thought process all about anyway.
he sits up, watching junsu for a moment, reaching out to touch his face.]
You're doing perfect. You're perfect. You don't have to change a thing.
[hojoon's not perfect. he doesn't know how to navigate this.]
[ he probably would've managed, if hojoon hadn't said this. hadn't done his usual thing. junsu swallows, then sniffs, then he's powerless against the tears gathering in his voice, in his eyes. ]
Don't. Don't say that if it isn't true.
[ maybe hojoon really believes that, maybe he thinks it's okay if junsu doesn't love him entirely. but that's not fair, and he doesn't want hojoon to settle for that if it makes him unhappy, scared, hurt. ]
If I make you feel like I love you less then it isn't true.
[joon whimpers, and then both hands are cupping junsu's face and trying to pull him closer. he's committed a cardinal sin here, done one thing he's never supposed to do and the one thing he promised to never do again.]
It's true, I really don't want you to change anything. I'm so happy with you.
[he doesn't feel any of those things, hurt or sadness. he came into this situation with open eyes, and he's never once regretted it. those moments where he might've been jealous of kwang melted away like snow when he realized that he loved junsu too, and then his thoughts became why would he want him gone? it would hurt junsu if kwang wasn't there, and he wouldn't see junsu hurt for anything.]
I was wrong, I'm sorry. But now I know and I can learn.
[that's why he came, to try and understand. does he think he could love junsu any less? never. not if this house was filled with a million people. can he imagine loving anyone else the way that he loves junsu?
[ junsu shakes his head, as much as he can with joon's hands on his face. ]
You're not wrong if it's how you feel. Don't take it back just because I'm — just because I'm reacting.
[ he looks down and away, because he's reacting in a way that should be shameful, tears and hurt like hojoon did something terrible, but he didn't, not really. ]
It's part of... part of loving each other. Figuring this kind of stuff out. [ which he's learned thanks to kwang. loving kwang and being with him has taught junsu the things he needed to know in order to love hojoon. they're not independent of each other. ]
I'm not mad at you. I'm just sad I've let you believe I loved you less because I love someone else too, when I love you — [ he takes a breath there, shaky, tears wetting his cheek. he shakes his head. ] So much there aren't any words. When I thought I loved you so much you couldn't possibly think I loved you less.
You didn't let me believe, I just believed it. Even when everything you've ever did or said told me the exact opposite. I'm just a stubborn ass, that's not your fault Junsu.
[he thought he understood how the world worked, another ridiculous thing when the world that he came from was limited in so many ways. he should've asked more questions from the start, gotten his insecurities out of the way. he thought it didn't matter. he thought that the only thing that did was how much he loved junsu. but that denied junsu the chance to prove his. all of this could've been prevented.]
[ junsu sniffs and wipes at his cheeks. he feels a part of responsibility, too, for not being clearer. something somewhere didn't go right, if joon really thought this way about this. junsu's had insecurities about it as well, being in hojoon's position, but he never really believed kwang loved him less, just... that ten was more special, when they had different labels. but now theyre the same, and a lot of that has washed away. ]
I'm sorry I didn't explain it right. I promise I don't love you less because I love someone else. I promise I love you just as much as I would otherwise. That's why you're my boyfriend. I love you like I'd love someone I want to spend my life with.
You're assuming it would get through my thick skull no matter how well you explained it.
[joon smiles, brushing at some more of those tears with the backs of his fingers. he'd meant it as a joke, a way to hopefully make him laugh, but maybe that's not very reassuring. hojoon might be comfortable simply accepting, but others might not be.]
So... [he frowns, looking down for a moment.] If you want to spend your life with him and you want to spend your life with me, what would happen if our lives went in separate ways.
[ he does smile a bit, but it's weak. he'd been too selfish. he should have thought that this would be hard for hojoon, when it was hard for him. when he's had a lot of different experiences, even had relationships before the war, and never lost a significant other like joon did.
he loves him so much, though. he isn't sure it would do any good to let him go, for either of them. but maybe he's not seeing things clearly because of how attached he is.
he doesn't like that question, because there's no answer. he doesn't think about hypotheticals like that. ]
[hojoon makes a little sound before nodding. he thought it might be something like that. it's not a thing joon would normally think about either, if he swore himself to junsu the way he swore himself to the family. but that was more as a servant, and he knows junsu wouldn't want that either.]
I'm sure we would. Three heads are better than one, right? But that'll never happen anyway. [joon leans in, gently bumping his forehead against junsu's.] I think you're stuck with me.
[ junsu sniffles and laughs softly, pressing his forehead against joon's. ]
Please. [ it's a plea, because he wants that to be true. his hands curl in hojoon's shirt, keeping him close, then wind around his neck, finding his lips for a quick kiss. ] I want to be stuck with you. I want to be with you.
I'll need someone to keep me company, since I'm losing my brother to that little sakura twig.
[hojoon smiles though. he hopes junsu always needs him this much, always wants him around. the future is scary if he thinks about it too much. not just his own, but hojin's too. they had a place where they thought they'd be forever.
he really hopes that junsu is that place for him now.]
[ junsu giggles and gently nudges hojoon for that. sakura twig! he's sure hojoon will soften up to him eventually, though he doesn't say as much. also, that nudge is for thinking he's losing his brother.
he takes hojoon's face in his hands. ]
Of course not! I'll be old right next to you. And Jin won't be far.
[ at least, that's the ideal. what he hopes for. ]
[he means it in the best possible way! hojoon blinks, pretty much letting his head settle and rest in junsu's hands. maybe jin won't wander off to have his own life, but he won't blame him if he does.]
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He said that he wished I had an interest in him. The same kind of interest that I have in you.
[that is what he said, right? it almost sounds ridiculous now that he's said it.]
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well. he's not shocked. kwang had really wanted hojoon to like him, but junsu had kind of thought it was for his benefit, so things would be harmonious. not that kwang had an interest in hojoon. ]
He usually means what he says, you know. [ as in, that wasn't to try and placate joon, and it isn't just to please junsu. ]
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[joon can respect that. he's had a growing respect for the other boyfriend for some time now. he assumed that it was the same with kwang.
he didn't know he was giving him the dokis. damn his devilish charms and good looks. joon rolls onto his back, looking up at him.]
What should I do?
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[ that's the most important thing here. this is about kwang and hojoon, not junsu. he doesn't even feel remotely jealous, though maybe it's because it's taking time sinking in.
maybe he's just happy there might be someone else for hojoon out there, and that person is his other favorite person. what a charmed life that would be, his two boyfriends also loving one another. ]
Do you like him like that? [ he brushes joon's hair off his forehead, then traces his eyebrow with a finger tip. ]
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[but joon has a talent that most people don't, an ability to shut off his heart. he did it with haneul, he did it with junsu. a brief thing in both cases.
maybe this is just as temporary.]
I can see why you like him like that. He's tall and graceful. Kind. He knows the right things to say.
[there's something vulnerable about him too, in a good way. something hojoon doesn't feel in himself.]
I think...it's possible. I'm just afraid.
[words that only junsu is privy to.]
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he can also understand this being scary. ]
Do you know what you're afraid of?
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[joon blinks before looking up at junsu's face.]
I'm afraid of hurting you. I love you so much, you give me everything I could ever hope for. Why is this even on my mind? How does it...
[he grumbles a little before trying again.]
Wouldn't you feel like I love you less?
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[ junsu doesn't like the thought at all, it breaks his heart, even. he finds joon's hand, holding onto it tightly while the other stays in his hair. ]
I love you. I want you happy. It would take... It would take some adjusting, I think. For all of us. But you wouldn't be causing me harm.
[ he swallows, hard, because if hojoon is being this honest then junsu should be too. ]
It's hard for me too, this stuff. I can't say I'd be totally fine with it all the time, but I've been willing and trying to make it work with Kwang when he has Ten, and it's working.
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[instant. junsu loves kwang, so naturally there's less love to give him. he'd always thought that might be the case, accepted it. it made sense to him, if only because he wasn't familiar with the concept of loving more than one person. joon doesn't question things the way that jin does, and that gave him a sort of peace.
it's been shaken now, which is why he's here. he rolls over again, onto his side and facing junsu's stomach.]
It is hard. I hope you didn't go through it with me.
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hojoon doesn't even hesitate. maybe that hurts even more than the answer itself. ]
I thought I... [ made it clear? obvious? obviously he's not been doing enough, not been obvious enough, not made joon feel as loved as he should. he closes his eyes. maybe if he does that it won't be obvious he wants to cry. it's not really the time, anyway.
he shakes his head. it wasn't hard when hojoon came into his life, somehow. it was the opposite. ]
No. You made it easier. Loving you makes it easier.
[ he lets go of hojoon's hand, but he's still playing with his hair, soft back and forths. ]
I don't love you less. I'm sorry if I'm not doing a good job at making you feel that.
[ he'd thought, briefly, that maybe he should do for joon what myung did for dal, but he hadn't been able to think on it for long. hadn't wanted to, because he loves kwang, and without kwang he would never have had hojoon, so losing one for the other, it didn't make sense. but maybe myung was right to do it. maybe then hojoon wouldn't feel like he only has half of junsu's love. it's hard to swallow, when he loves him this much, with everything he has, and hojoon still thinks he loves him less. ]
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he knows that junsu loves him, he feels that love, never feels anything lacking. but there is an awareness of someone else, that if junsu was forced to choose in some ridiculous scenario that would never happen, if he and kwang were hanging from a cliff and junsu could only save one, maybe he wouldn't be the choice.
there wouldn't be a choice to make, because hojoon would let go first. and kwang would probably let go. and then what the fuck is that thought process all about anyway.
he sits up, watching junsu for a moment, reaching out to touch his face.]
You're doing perfect. You're perfect. You don't have to change a thing.
[hojoon's not perfect. he doesn't know how to navigate this.]
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Don't. Don't say that if it isn't true.
[ maybe hojoon really believes that, maybe he thinks it's okay if junsu doesn't love him entirely. but that's not fair, and he doesn't want hojoon to settle for that if it makes him unhappy, scared, hurt. ]
If I make you feel like I love you less then it isn't true.
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It's true, I really don't want you to change anything. I'm so happy with you.
[he doesn't feel any of those things, hurt or sadness. he came into this situation with open eyes, and he's never once regretted it. those moments where he might've been jealous of kwang melted away like snow when he realized that he loved junsu too, and then his thoughts became why would he want him gone? it would hurt junsu if kwang wasn't there, and he wouldn't see junsu hurt for anything.]
I was wrong, I'm sorry. But now I know and I can learn.
[that's why he came, to try and understand. does he think he could love junsu any less? never. not if this house was filled with a million people. can he imagine loving anyone else the way that he loves junsu?
that's the big question here.]
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You're not wrong if it's how you feel. Don't take it back just because I'm — just because I'm reacting.
[ he looks down and away, because he's reacting in a way that should be shameful, tears and hurt like hojoon did something terrible, but he didn't, not really. ]
It's part of... part of loving each other. Figuring this kind of stuff out. [ which he's learned thanks to kwang. loving kwang and being with him has taught junsu the things he needed to know in order to love hojoon. they're not independent of each other. ]
I'm not mad at you. I'm just sad I've let you believe I loved you less because I love someone else too, when I love you — [ he takes a breath there, shaky, tears wetting his cheek. he shakes his head. ] So much there aren't any words. When I thought I loved you so much you couldn't possibly think I loved you less.
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[he thought he understood how the world worked, another ridiculous thing when the world that he came from was limited in so many ways. he should've asked more questions from the start, gotten his insecurities out of the way. he thought it didn't matter. he thought that the only thing that did was how much he loved junsu. but that denied junsu the chance to prove his. all of this could've been prevented.]
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[ junsu sniffs and wipes at his cheeks. he feels a part of responsibility, too, for not being clearer. something somewhere didn't go right, if joon really thought this way about this. junsu's had insecurities about it as well, being in hojoon's position, but he never really believed kwang loved him less, just... that ten was more special, when they had different labels. but now theyre the same, and a lot of that has washed away. ]
I'm sorry I didn't explain it right. I promise I don't love you less because I love someone else. I promise I love you just as much as I would otherwise. That's why you're my boyfriend. I love you like I'd love someone I want to spend my life with.
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[joon smiles, brushing at some more of those tears with the backs of his fingers. he'd meant it as a joke, a way to hopefully make him laugh, but maybe that's not very reassuring. hojoon might be comfortable simply accepting, but others might not be.]
So... [he frowns, looking down for a moment.] If you want to spend your life with him and you want to spend your life with me, what would happen if our lives went in separate ways.
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he loves him so much, though. he isn't sure it would do any good to let him go, for either of them. but maybe he's not seeing things clearly because of how attached he is.
he doesn't like that question, because there's no answer. he doesn't think about hypotheticals like that. ]
We'd have to figure it out together.
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I'm sure we would. Three heads are better than one, right? But that'll never happen anyway. [joon leans in, gently bumping his forehead against junsu's.] I think you're stuck with me.
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Please. [ it's a plea, because he wants that to be true. his hands curl in hojoon's shirt, keeping him close, then wind around his neck, finding his lips for a quick kiss. ] I want to be stuck with you. I want to be with you.
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[hojoon smiles though. he hopes junsu always needs him this much, always wants him around. the future is scary if he thinks about it too much. not just his own, but hojin's too. they had a place where they thought they'd be forever.
he really hopes that junsu is that place for him now.]
You won't forsake me in my old age, will you?
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he takes hojoon's face in his hands. ]
Of course not! I'll be old right next to you. And Jin won't be far.
[ at least, that's the ideal. what he hopes for. ]
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That sounds like a happy life to me.
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[ junsu watches joon a few seconds more then leans in to kiss him. how could he not, when he's basically present his face for him to hold?
and given what they're talking about. growing old together, it's no small thing. but it feels right and easy to say as much. ]
We can have that. We will have that.