[ it's more than enough. the note on his bed alone has him giggling to himself. he's so happy about this, and eager to spend some full alone time with his boyfriend. he feels like they need it. he just wants to lie around and talk to him and be with him for a while. he has a lot of things on his mind he wants to share with him, too.
he didn't expect anything extra romantic aside from simply being whisked away, but when he gets to the tree house and inside, he's even more delighted by what he sees. the magical floating lights, the magical music, and kwang, handsome and gorgeous and waiting for him. ]
You did this?
[ of course he did, he's just... this could have been a decrepit treehouse with no electricity or light and he would have found something romantic in it.
[ Kwang would agree that they need it. The house - the house is wonderful, safe and full of love, but it's also busy, loud, and sometimes it's impossible to feel like there's truly much privacy, even with spells and wards. Out here, though, it's quiet but for the noises of Nature around - which is why Kwang hears Junsu approach - and it feels like there's no one in the world but them.
He sits up when Junsu slips inside, putting his book down. ]
Of course I did. [ His tone makes it sound like it was obvious. Kwang's a ridiculous romantic at heart, after all, and he wants Junsu to always feel this extra bit special. He smiles, hoping it's invitation enough. ]
[ junsu's awe breaks into a wide grin as he drops into the blankets right next to kwang, arms around his neck and already angling for a kiss. he wants to cover him in them. they said they would read and spend time together, but god, it's hard not to have his hands all over him, now to kiss him hard and deep and sensual, not to make kwang's spine melt.
[ Kissing Junsu feels like second nature, like his favorite thing to do, like breathing and smiling and touching and everything else in between that comes to him naturally. So Kwang all too easily leans into said kiss when Junsu gives it to him, humming happily, his own hands fitting around Junsu's hips.
When they pull back, Kwang grins. ]
I'm glad you like it.
[ He runs his fingers through Junsu's hair, enjoying the contrast of his pale skin against Junsu's dark locks. ]
Did you have fun on your camping trip?
[ Kwang had tried not to worry when he got Junsu's text - he wanted him happy, and fulfilled, and Hojoon seemed to do that. It was not that he didn't want Junsu to have other lovers, boyfriends, whatever Hojoon was to him; it'd be way too hypocritical of Kwang to think that way. No, that wasn't what worried him.
There was just a small part of him that was bracing itself for the inevitable time when Junsu would break up with him. Hojoon had made it quite clear to Kwang that he was very, very dedicated to Junsu, and Kwang knew that Junsu craved exactly that. Maybe he'd soon start thinking that Kwang was not giving him enough, even if Kwang was willing to give him everything, just like he was with Ten.
He tried not to think about it too much. He'd support Junsu's choices, whatever they were, because his continued happiness mattered more than anything else. But Kwang thought about it anyway, and maybe it showed, right now, in a slight dim of his smile. ]
[ he stops before he really starts getting into it, seeing the way kwang's smile dims slightly. is he mad junsu left so suddenly? it doesn't seem like kwang not to have mentioned it, so it must be something else, but junsu's still a little worried.
he smooths his hands over kwang's shoulders. ]
I'm sorry I left so suddenly. We were planning on going sometime but then it just felt right to go right away. [ he worries his bottom lip with his teeth. ]
[ Kwang shakes his head, regretting being so obvious instantly, but also feeling like - well, maybe he should say something. Because he likes to communicate, and he dislikes nothing more than secrets between the two of them. Even if it's not exactly a secret. ]
No, no, that's okay. I did something quite similar, actually, that's not -
[ His stomach twists a little, reaching up to pull Junsu's bottom lip free with his thumb, soothing over it. ]
It's not you, at all. It's just me, and my own thoughts, and worries. I just. I know you and Hojoon have a very privileged bond, and I don't want to... be an obstacle to you, getting everything you want. Even if that is an exclusive relationship with him.
[ He wants it very clear that he does not blame Junsu for any of it, or Hojoon, and he hopes it shows through. ]
You — What? No, darling, you're not an obstacle...
[ junsu immediately feels bad that he might have given kwang the impression this was a possibility. has he been spending too much time with him? talking about him too much?
it's true kwang doesn't talk about ten with him much, but he thinks that's more because he knows junsu has needed time. he should have considered that kwang might be the same, and not that he understood because he had the same with ten. they have each other, then someone else that means just as much. he swallows. it's getting more and more tiring to navigate so many relationships, and his only thought has been that kwang and hojoon are so good to him both in their own ways.
never just hojoon. ]
I'm sorry I gave you room to think... I love you, you know? [ he must not be doing enough to make that clear. he must not know how to balance things well enough that kwang never doubts that junsu wants to be with him.
he fiddles at the collar of kwang's shirt, looking down now. his voice is quiet, but he thinks it's a fair question. if kwang is going to think that way, maybe turning the situation will make him see it's not what he might think. ]
Do you want an exclusive relationship with Ten because you have a privileged bond with him?
[ Kwang's heart seizes in his chest. This is not - this isn't what he wanted. He didn't mean - reaching out, he cups Junsu's face with both hands, making their eyes meet. ]
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry, or feel bad. Sometimes, my heart leaps ahead and doesn't give my head the time to rationalize.
[ But it's a relief to have this reassurance. He feels bad enjoying the relief that makes his frame loosen, that makes him look at Junsu with adoration in his eyes. ]
I know. And I love you. So much. It wasn't that you gave me room to think this, I promise. You haven't done a single thing wrong, alright? I think I've been feeling a little vulnerable lately and let myself got worked up. It's on me, okay? Not on you.
[ The question surprises Kwang, even if he should have expected it. It's much easier to understand where Junsu comes from, the moment the table is turned, because he suddenly wonders if he's not done enough for Junsu to be sure of Kwang's feelings for him, and if he's spent too much time with Ten and not enough with Junsu, and -
Yeah. He gets it. Still, he's adamant and earnest when he starts talking again. ]
No. I love both of you, and I have a privileged bond with both of you. My relationship with Ten is not more important than my relationship with you. It's the same. If I could, I'd promise myself to you both, forever.
[ Which, technically, he can, at least in a way that's recognized by his caste. ]
[ that's a big thing, that kind of promise. junsu isn't sure it's ten that will receive it first from kwang, but he doesn't mind the way he might have before. it doesn't make him feel panicked and heartbroken. it just makes sense to him, and he'd be happy for them. it wouldn't mean kwang loves junsu less than he did before.
besides, junsu has another boyfriend now too. he's selfish sometimes, but he doesn't like being a hypocrite.
he drops his forehead against kwang's shoulder. ]
I know, baby. [ his arms wind around his middle. ] Whatever's making you feel vulnerable... we can talk about it, and we should talk about this stuff if we're even a tiny little bit scared.
[ if they can't talk about things like this then it might spell their downfall in the future, and junsu doesn't want that at all. he takes a breath. ]
You can talk to me about him, you know. [ kwang's gone to great efforts to accommodate for his own insecurities and vulnerability. ]
It's okay. I like him. You have Ten and I have Hojoon. So I get it. [ he never disliked ten, really, but it was scary that kwang had someone else and he didn't. that if he needed someone he loved and who loved him, kwang might be busy, or not there, or with ten already.
it just feels more secure now that he has something that makes him feel even in every sense. ]
[ The thing is that Ten received a similar promise, but while Kwang was under the influence of Halloween-themed candy drugs. Or something. So he's pretty sure it doesn't count, at all. He only vaguely remembers the conversation. Here, now, he's sober and he feels a little like walls that have been crumbling for a long time are finally giving up the ghost. ]
I guess what scares me, truly, is just. Losing you. I know that it isn't rational. I just worry that I don't give you as much attention and devotion as Hojoon does, or I don't reassure you enough that you matter so, so, so much to me. And that it'll make you choose him, at some point. And I know it's not rational because as I just said, it wouldn't even cross my mind to leave you, and when you make me look at it from your point of view, it seems ludicrous, but. I am not sure polyamory is something you're completely comfortable with, and thus, I worry.
[ He takes a deep breath, looking down. The flush in his cheeks is shame, more than anything else, at even thinking these thoughts. With anyone else, he'd be cool, and composed. But he loves Junsu in a way he can barely describe, and it makes him struggle with his words when he's unsure he's not making a mess of things. ]
I think part of it is due to - I don't quite understand my feelings about Hojoon. I want him to like me, and I'm worried he thinks I'm not good enough for you, and it will influence you in the long run.
And honestly, I'm probably not good enough for you. I was reminded of that when I showed you my wings. They're... they were created with so much evil, but so much power, and I know it can be corrupting. It scares me, how easy they could take me over.
[ He's mixing himself up, talking about too many things at once, too many things he's kept in for a while, never quite finding the right time to talk to Junsu about it, sort of worried he'd piss Junsu off with his insecurities. ]
Oh. Oh, that's - good. I like Hojoon, too. Even if I don't know if it's mutual.
[ junsu takes in a slow, deep breath. he wants to address everything kwang is saying, and say what he has to say. this is an important conversation for them to have, and junsu is aware that it's significant for kwang to show himself like this to him, for him to share these things. he's always been straightforward and honest, but he doesn't think just anyone gets to see him worry about things like this.
so he wants to be good to him, and say all the right things. ]
Baby, if anything is going to change, it won't be because of what someone else thinks. And I would talk to you. I want you to know... I would talk to you, if I was scared, or my feelings were starting to change.
[ and that hasn't been the case. he loves kwang. kwang has taught him he can be worth more than he thought. ]
The only thing I've had on my mind is maybe just. Having enough. With you and Hojoon, and... [ quietly: ] Room for Ten, maybe. And Birdie, if they want.
[ it's already a lot of people. but he doesn't want more. it feels stilted and forced and weird, even. he might think someone's cute, but something has been holding him back, and he thinks it's this. the people in his life, his boyfriends, they're enough.
but kwang isn't wrong. ]
You're right that polyamory isn't — I've never done it before. I don't have a problem with it in and of itself, but I get... like you, it's the same. It's not rational, but I get scared. Less so now, but before, when he was your boyfriend and I wasn't, I thought — if something happens, it's him Kwang would protect first. I know that's fucked up of me. I'm not really good at keeping that to myself, though Ten thinks I've been so nice to him all this time and I really thought I was kind of a dick by trying to be as distant as possible.
[ that's why ten is good. or maybe junsu is too strict about his own behaviour. it's probably a mix of both. he squeezes kwang's hand, holding on. ]
And I guess I didn't... It was hard for me to deal with Minsu and Sage and then you and Ten. It was like someone else being chosen over me twice in a short time. [ he knows that's not really what it was with ten, since now it's different. but at the time... it threw him off, and it made him feel less special, less interesting, less loveable than ten was. he likes being someone's special person. ]
But it's not sharing you that bothers me. I'm happy you have someone else in your life that can make you happy. And you don't have to worry about giving me as much attention and devotion as someone else, I just want what you have to give me.
[ he tilts his head. he feels selfish, greedy, but maybe it can make more sense if he explains more. ]
Now that I have Hojoon, it's like... I'm less scared. Because even if I matter less, somehow, if things change, if you and Ten do things together and go away together. I'm not alone. I think that's what kept scaring me. Even if we're both your boyfriends, you could want to take Ten away and then I'd have no one. If you two were hanging out, I didn't have like. Someone else, you know? Not like that. But that's not true anymore.
[ he smiles, kind of shy. ]
Joon's... He's just suspicious. He's like an old man sometimes, he doesn't trust anyone or anything. But I want him to be nice to you, and if he's not, I'll talk to him.
[ he frowns and worries at his bottom lip, some of kwang's words coming back to him. he doesn't like those words. ]
Your wings are just part of you. You have never hurt me because of them, and I trust you to keep me safe. It doesn't matter if they were created with evil, because you're so, so far from evil. You're not corrupting me just by being in my life. I promise.
[ A lot is coming out, just like that, the two of them sitting close in the treehouse, Kwang's little magical lights fluttering around them. So much is coming out, fears and worries and insecurities, and it feels - it feels reassuring, to be able to talk about it at all.
And it's reassuring, too, to hear Junsu say they'd talk. Kwang immediately relaxes, shoulders slumping a little, a tired, tiny smile appearing on his lips. At Junsu's next words, Kwang nods, his heart picking up speed at the mention of Ten. ]
That's - fair. That's more than fair. Lately, for me, it's only been you two, you know? Although I definitely like Bam a lot. But mostly, it's just been you two, and you've been more than enough for me.
[ It's not really something he thinks about that much. If he meets someone that does it for him, then fine, but he's not exactly searching for it, not when he is already so fulfilled.
Kwang wishes he could have reassured Junsu from the very beginning, but he knows things had to evolve the way they did - naturally, organically. They might have made mistakes in the way if they'd tried to go too fast. ]
It's not fucked up. I get it, and I wish I had known then that you felt this way. I knew there was... something, in the back of your mind, but I didn't want to rush. But I can protect more than one person at once if I need to. And you? From the moment I laid eyes on you for the first time, you were at the top of my list. And Ten, he just. He loves, very hard. And he thinks you're wonderful. Which is true, so I can't imagine you were that much of a dick to him. [ Kwang smiles a little bigger. ]
That's the thing, though, baby. I do want to give you everything. Absolutely everything, without reservations. I love you so much, you know?
[ It's utterly sincere, written all over Kwang's features, and in his voice too. He listens to what Junsu is saying, eyes taking him in, unable to move away, completely, entirely taken by how beautiful Junsu is, how soft his heart is. ]
Okay. Okay, then - I'm glad that you have him, too. I'm glad you don't get to feel this fear. But you know I'll drop everything to be there for you if you need me, right? Even if I'm with Ten, he would understand.
[ Kwang scoffs, amused, and waves a dismissive hand, before reaching for Junsu, tugging him closer, wanting them close, close, closer, wanting to feel all of Junsu pressed against him. ]
He's been fine. He's just - suspicious is a good word for it. I guess he sees me as competition, I guess, which is part of what worried me, but. To be fair to him, he's made an effort, to talk to me, and to be civil, if not outright friendly. So maybe we'll get there. You don't have to talk to him about me, I promise.
[ His smile slips away then, as he thinks back on what he is, what he does, what the wings do to him when he brings them out. ]
I'm not saying that to try and push you away. It's not that - I honestly don't know what I'd do without you in my life, at this point. It'd be like losing half of my heart, and I don't want that. I just - I just want you to know. There's a part of me that hates them, and there's a part of me that loves them, and there's a part of me that's seduced by what they can offer me. They're dangerous, for me, but also for you. So just - what I'm trying to say is stay vigilant, okay? If I'm ever acting unlike myself, in any way.
I want to be better with Ten. And I think Hojoon will get there too. It just kind of takes an adjustment period, when you love someone so much and you know they love you, but they love someone else too, and you aren't really used to that so much.
[ junsu looks relieved, but a bit sheepish, too. it feels like a lot to let go of at once, but he's glad they're doing this. if they were both feeling things like this, it's good to air them out and clear things up between them.
so they can be even stronger. ]
I know. I think rationally I know you would be there for me if I needed you, and that Ten wouldn't be upset with you either, it's just... Yeah. It wasn't very rational. I just felt like I had no one else. It feels more balanced to me now, and I get it more now too.
[ now that he has kwang and hojoon, he knows what it's like to have two boyfriends you adore, and how different these relationships and feelings are, but how one isn't above the other. ]
Hojoon... he's special to me. Really special. But so are you, okay? I love you. And I trust you. Magic and wings or not. I promise I'll be careful, but I also know... you're in control. You've been through so much and you're still someone so kind and gentle.
[ he takes kwang's face in both his hands, gentle. ]
Can you promise me something in exchange? If you ever feel that pull, like you can't resist what they offer you... Talk to me? Or Ten, or both of us. If there are days it's harder to bear them, we're here for you.
[ It feels overwhelming, to let it all out like this, instead of piece by piece. But it's reassuring, too. Kwang didn't realize he'd ben harboring these fears and doubts for a little while, and it feels good to be able to let them out, to hear Junsu's reassurances. ]
I definitely understand. [ Kwang smiles, a little sheepish, too. ] I wouldn't have had these worries, if I didn't understand. I'm adjusting too, in a way. And I'll have to adjust a little more, if you and Ten grow even closer. Which, I'd definitely like, but it'll change things again.
[ He's not fooling himself about that. But he's quite excited by the prospect, rather than worried. As long as they don't take off together and leave him in the dust, obviously, which - eh. The thought makes him smile. ]
I wasn't always, you know? Kind and gentle. I've done a lot of shitty things, out of anger, and fear, and pain. But that's exactly why I want to be better now.
[ He leans into the touch, pushing his cheek against one of Junsu's palms, and he nods. ]
I will. The other day, actually, it - for some reason, they felt worse than usual. You were both busy, but I crossed paths with Dal, who touched me, and. [ Kwang closes his eyes, exhaling softly. ] He took the pain away, for a while. It helped. And then I took them out, and Hojoon saw me.
I think we've all done shitty things. [ they've lived a war, after all. junsu doesn't hold any of those things against them. and kwang... he's lived a long life, and it's been it's own kind of war to survive this far.
he gets it. he doesn't think it makes kwang a bad person to have done bad things. ]
He took your pain away? Wow. [ it's awed. and he's jealous, too, because he's just human, and he can't do something as incredible and amazing as relieving his boyfriend of his pain like that. he would give anything to be able to. ] I'm glad you got to feel better for a while.
[ he means it. his jealousy doesn't prevent him from seeing how good this is for kwang, that maybe he'll go to dal for it again. junsu hopes he does. so he can feel a little better when it's at it's worst. ]
[ Kwang has lived through many wars. This latest one is not even the worst he's lived through, and definitely not the one where he's done the shittiest things. But it's the kind of things he just can't seem to find a way to talk about.
Kwang nods, eyes still closed. He doesn't hear the jealousy in Junsu's voice, and if he did, he would easily explain how he doesn't need Junsu to have magic powers to take his pain away. Junsu does it, just by being here, with him. ]
I feel better now. [ Kwang says, softly. ] Just being here with you. I can barely feel them when I'm with you.
[ He prefers this, honestly. As grateful he is for Dal and the help he gave him, Kwang would much rather relax in Junsu's arms. He sighs softly, swaying forward into Junsu's arms. ]
He did. He helped me back into the house afterwards. I think he thought them beautiful. It was strange, because I'm so used to having to keep my distances, but he. He doesn't need to be careful about that, he could touch my wings.
Good. I want — if I could, I would take that pain away from you and bear it myself. So if I help at all... I'm glad.
[ he wants to be that for him. good, a relief, freedom from pain. his arms go around him, holding kwang against his chest and nosing into his hair. he feels better around kwang too. more like a person, less like a mess. less confused, frustrated by his own feelings, and instead calm and knowing he can figure it out and things will work out.
he hums softly. ]
Course he thought they were beautiful. [ and it must be amazing for kwang to have found someone who isn't hurt by his proximity alone in that situation. ] That's true, he can handle hot, can't he?
[ Kwang swallows hard, shaking his head. He knows what Junsu means, because it's what he does himself - he'd rather bear people's pain than see them suffer, especially people he loves, so it's not like he can say anything to that, but the idea of seeing Junsu in pain is. Not something Kwang is really willing to do. He's hurt him enough.
Kwang sways ever closer, arms wrapping around Junsu's waist, pressing his nose against his boyfriend's collarbone, just relishing in his presence.
Kwang chuckles, pulling back to look up at Junsu with a crooked grin. ]
Well, he can handle you, so he can definitely handle hot.
[ junsu lets out a cry of playful indignation at the pun, squeezing kwang into his arms and against him with a laugh. ]
That was both amazing and terrible. That takes skill.
[ and he really appreciates the compliment. he's never really found himself hideous, or anything, but to hear someone like kwang talk about him like that... it makes his heart race and his face feel hot.
kwang is so, so handsome, and gorgeous, and when he looks at junsu he sees that in him. ]
[ Kwang laughs in answer, muffling it in the crook of Junsu's neck. It feels good to laugh, after such a heavy, if necessary conversation. ]
What can I say, guess I'm just that good.
[ And he'd agree, in that he doesn't find himself hideous, and he cares about the way he looks, but he still feels like Junsu is miles ahead of him. He pulls back to be able to look at him, those crinkling eyes and full lips and cute nose, and he leans in for a chaste kiss, unable to help himself. ]
Anytime, babe. Seriously, you need an ego boost? I'm your guy.
[ junsu laughs too, then sobers up a little, but his expression is soft. ]
You really are so nice to me. This is so nice.
[ it's hard to remember kwang is his boyfriend in a concrete way, sometimes. because he's not been anyone's boyfriend in so long, and even back then maybe a part of him never really believed it was a real, lasting thing.
this feels real and lasting. and he's reminded that kwang is his boyfriend and he is kwang's boyfriend when they talk like this and make each other feel good with their words and do things like pretty up a tree house to be together, all alone. ]
[ Kwang runs his fingers through Junsu's hair, leaning back a little with his free hand on the blanket behind him, giving himself the opportunity to look his fill. Junsu still has insecurities about him, and Kwang knows it, even if he wishes he could shore it all up easily, with looks and words and promises. It's the kind of thing that takes time, and he knows it, he's patient, and every day he'll keep showing Junsu that he does love him, with everything he is made of.
Kwang smiles, thumb brushing Junsu's cheek. ]
You're welcome. Not that it was entirely selfless, mind you.
[ he does show junsu every day. most of the insecurities are less tied to kwang and a lot more tied to junsu himself,these days. those are harder to get rid of, more insidious.
he knows kwang loves him but being reminded still takes his breath away sometimes. ]
[ Just like it’s okay for Junsu to want him alone, too. Kwang surges up, fitting their mouths together in a searing kiss, hoping to say all the things he doesn’t always have the words for in it. His hand slides to the back of Junsu’s neck, and when he pulls back, a small smile tugs at the corners of his lips. ]
This weekend, it’s just about us, yeah? Let me take care of you. Worship you a little.
[ the words make junsu flush slightly, excited to do this, eager to see what kwang has in store. it can be hard to let go and let himself be worshipped, hard to be vulnerable some days, but with kwang it's never difficult. it's so easy to sink into it. ]
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no subject
he didn't expect anything extra romantic aside from simply being whisked away, but when he gets to the tree house and inside, he's even more delighted by what he sees. the magical floating lights, the magical music, and kwang, handsome and gorgeous and waiting for him. ]
You did this?
[ of course he did, he's just... this could have been a decrepit treehouse with no electricity or light and he would have found something romantic in it.
but it's more. ]
no subject
He sits up when Junsu slips inside, putting his book down. ]
Of course I did. [ His tone makes it sound like it was obvious. Kwang's a ridiculous romantic at heart, after all, and he wants Junsu to always feel this extra bit special. He smiles, hoping it's invitation enough. ]
Hi.
no subject
[ junsu's awe breaks into a wide grin as he drops into the blankets right next to kwang, arms around his neck and already angling for a kiss. he wants to cover him in them. they said they would read and spend time together, but god, it's hard not to have his hands all over him, now to kiss him hard and deep and sensual, not to make kwang's spine melt.
there'll be time. ]
You're amazing. This is perfect.
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When they pull back, Kwang grins. ]
I'm glad you like it.
[ He runs his fingers through Junsu's hair, enjoying the contrast of his pale skin against Junsu's dark locks. ]
Did you have fun on your camping trip?
[ Kwang had tried not to worry when he got Junsu's text - he wanted him happy, and fulfilled, and Hojoon seemed to do that. It was not that he didn't want Junsu to have other lovers, boyfriends, whatever Hojoon was to him; it'd be way too hypocritical of Kwang to think that way. No, that wasn't what worried him.
There was just a small part of him that was bracing itself for the inevitable time when Junsu would break up with him. Hojoon had made it quite clear to Kwang that he was very, very dedicated to Junsu, and Kwang knew that Junsu craved exactly that. Maybe he'd soon start thinking that Kwang was not giving him enough, even if Kwang was willing to give him everything, just like he was with Ten.
He tried not to think about it too much. He'd support Junsu's choices, whatever they were, because his continued happiness mattered more than anything else. But Kwang thought about it anyway, and maybe it showed, right now, in a slight dim of his smile. ]
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[ he stops before he really starts getting into it, seeing the way kwang's smile dims slightly. is he mad junsu left so suddenly? it doesn't seem like kwang not to have mentioned it, so it must be something else, but junsu's still a little worried.
he smooths his hands over kwang's shoulders. ]
I'm sorry I left so suddenly. We were planning on going sometime but then it just felt right to go right away. [ he worries his bottom lip with his teeth. ]
I promise I'll give you more warning next time.
no subject
No, no, that's okay. I did something quite similar, actually, that's not -
[ His stomach twists a little, reaching up to pull Junsu's bottom lip free with his thumb, soothing over it. ]
It's not you, at all. It's just me, and my own thoughts, and worries. I just. I know you and Hojoon have a very privileged bond, and I don't want to... be an obstacle to you, getting everything you want. Even if that is an exclusive relationship with him.
[ He wants it very clear that he does not blame Junsu for any of it, or Hojoon, and he hopes it shows through. ]
no subject
[ junsu immediately feels bad that he might have given kwang the impression this was a possibility. has he been spending too much time with him? talking about him too much?
it's true kwang doesn't talk about ten with him much, but he thinks that's more because he knows junsu has needed time. he should have considered that kwang might be the same, and not that he understood because he had the same with ten. they have each other, then someone else that means just as much. he swallows. it's getting more and more tiring to navigate so many relationships, and his only thought has been that kwang and hojoon are so good to him both in their own ways.
never just hojoon. ]
I'm sorry I gave you room to think... I love you, you know? [ he must not be doing enough to make that clear. he must not know how to balance things well enough that kwang never doubts that junsu wants to be with him.
he fiddles at the collar of kwang's shirt, looking down now. his voice is quiet, but he thinks it's a fair question. if kwang is going to think that way, maybe turning the situation will make him see it's not what he might think. ]
Do you want an exclusive relationship with Ten because you have a privileged bond with him?
no subject
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry, or feel bad. Sometimes, my heart leaps ahead and doesn't give my head the time to rationalize.
[ But it's a relief to have this reassurance. He feels bad enjoying the relief that makes his frame loosen, that makes him look at Junsu with adoration in his eyes. ]
I know. And I love you. So much. It wasn't that you gave me room to think this, I promise. You haven't done a single thing wrong, alright? I think I've been feeling a little vulnerable lately and let myself got worked up. It's on me, okay? Not on you.
[ The question surprises Kwang, even if he should have expected it. It's much easier to understand where Junsu comes from, the moment the table is turned, because he suddenly wonders if he's not done enough for Junsu to be sure of Kwang's feelings for him, and if he's spent too much time with Ten and not enough with Junsu, and -
Yeah. He gets it. Still, he's adamant and earnest when he starts talking again. ]
No. I love both of you, and I have a privileged bond with both of you. My relationship with Ten is not more important than my relationship with you. It's the same. If I could, I'd promise myself to you both, forever.
[ Which, technically, he can, at least in a way that's recognized by his caste. ]
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besides, junsu has another boyfriend now too. he's selfish sometimes, but he doesn't like being a hypocrite.
he drops his forehead against kwang's shoulder. ]
I know, baby. [ his arms wind around his middle. ] Whatever's making you feel vulnerable... we can talk about it, and we should talk about this stuff if we're even a tiny little bit scared.
[ if they can't talk about things like this then it might spell their downfall in the future, and junsu doesn't want that at all. he takes a breath. ]
You can talk to me about him, you know. [ kwang's gone to great efforts to accommodate for his own insecurities and vulnerability. ]
It's okay. I like him. You have Ten and I have Hojoon. So I get it. [ he never disliked ten, really, but it was scary that kwang had someone else and he didn't. that if he needed someone he loved and who loved him, kwang might be busy, or not there, or with ten already.
it just feels more secure now that he has something that makes him feel even in every sense. ]
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I guess what scares me, truly, is just. Losing you. I know that it isn't rational. I just worry that I don't give you as much attention and devotion as Hojoon does, or I don't reassure you enough that you matter so, so, so much to me. And that it'll make you choose him, at some point. And I know it's not rational because as I just said, it wouldn't even cross my mind to leave you, and when you make me look at it from your point of view, it seems ludicrous, but. I am not sure polyamory is something you're completely comfortable with, and thus, I worry.
[ He takes a deep breath, looking down. The flush in his cheeks is shame, more than anything else, at even thinking these thoughts. With anyone else, he'd be cool, and composed. But he loves Junsu in a way he can barely describe, and it makes him struggle with his words when he's unsure he's not making a mess of things. ]
I think part of it is due to - I don't quite understand my feelings about Hojoon. I want him to like me, and I'm worried he thinks I'm not good enough for you, and it will influence you in the long run.
And honestly, I'm probably not good enough for you. I was reminded of that when I showed you my wings. They're... they were created with so much evil, but so much power, and I know it can be corrupting. It scares me, how easy they could take me over.
[ He's mixing himself up, talking about too many things at once, too many things he's kept in for a while, never quite finding the right time to talk to Junsu about it, sort of worried he'd piss Junsu off with his insecurities. ]
Oh. Oh, that's - good. I like Hojoon, too. Even if I don't know if it's mutual.
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so he wants to be good to him, and say all the right things. ]
Baby, if anything is going to change, it won't be because of what someone else thinks. And I would talk to you. I want you to know... I would talk to you, if I was scared, or my feelings were starting to change.
[ and that hasn't been the case. he loves kwang. kwang has taught him he can be worth more than he thought. ]
The only thing I've had on my mind is maybe just. Having enough. With you and Hojoon, and... [ quietly: ] Room for Ten, maybe. And Birdie, if they want.
[ it's already a lot of people. but he doesn't want more. it feels stilted and forced and weird, even. he might think someone's cute, but something has been holding him back, and he thinks it's this. the people in his life, his boyfriends, they're enough.
but kwang isn't wrong. ]
You're right that polyamory isn't — I've never done it before. I don't have a problem with it in and of itself, but I get... like you, it's the same. It's not rational, but I get scared. Less so now, but before, when he was your boyfriend and I wasn't, I thought — if something happens, it's him Kwang would protect first. I know that's fucked up of me. I'm not really good at keeping that to myself, though Ten thinks I've been so nice to him all this time and I really thought I was kind of a dick by trying to be as distant as possible.
[ that's why ten is good. or maybe junsu is too strict about his own behaviour. it's probably a mix of both. he squeezes kwang's hand, holding on. ]
And I guess I didn't... It was hard for me to deal with Minsu and Sage and then you and Ten. It was like someone else being chosen over me twice in a short time. [ he knows that's not really what it was with ten, since now it's different. but at the time... it threw him off, and it made him feel less special, less interesting, less loveable than ten was. he likes being someone's special person. ]
But it's not sharing you that bothers me. I'm happy you have someone else in your life that can make you happy. And you don't have to worry about giving me as much attention and devotion as someone else, I just want what you have to give me.
[ he tilts his head. he feels selfish, greedy, but maybe it can make more sense if he explains more. ]
Now that I have Hojoon, it's like... I'm less scared. Because even if I matter less, somehow, if things change, if you and Ten do things together and go away together. I'm not alone. I think that's what kept scaring me. Even if we're both your boyfriends, you could want to take Ten away and then I'd have no one. If you two were hanging out, I didn't have like. Someone else, you know? Not like that. But that's not true anymore.
[ he smiles, kind of shy. ]
Joon's... He's just suspicious. He's like an old man sometimes, he doesn't trust anyone or anything. But I want him to be nice to you, and if he's not, I'll talk to him.
[ he frowns and worries at his bottom lip, some of kwang's words coming back to him. he doesn't like those words. ]
Your wings are just part of you. You have never hurt me because of them, and I trust you to keep me safe. It doesn't matter if they were created with evil, because you're so, so far from evil. You're not corrupting me just by being in my life. I promise.
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And it's reassuring, too, to hear Junsu say they'd talk. Kwang immediately relaxes, shoulders slumping a little, a tired, tiny smile appearing on his lips. At Junsu's next words, Kwang nods, his heart picking up speed at the mention of Ten. ]
That's - fair. That's more than fair. Lately, for me, it's only been you two, you know? Although I definitely like Bam a lot. But mostly, it's just been you two, and you've been more than enough for me.
[ It's not really something he thinks about that much. If he meets someone that does it for him, then fine, but he's not exactly searching for it, not when he is already so fulfilled.
Kwang wishes he could have reassured Junsu from the very beginning, but he knows things had to evolve the way they did - naturally, organically. They might have made mistakes in the way if they'd tried to go too fast. ]
It's not fucked up. I get it, and I wish I had known then that you felt this way. I knew there was... something, in the back of your mind, but I didn't want to rush. But I can protect more than one person at once if I need to. And you? From the moment I laid eyes on you for the first time, you were at the top of my list. And Ten, he just. He loves, very hard. And he thinks you're wonderful. Which is true, so I can't imagine you were that much of a dick to him. [ Kwang smiles a little bigger. ]
That's the thing, though, baby. I do want to give you everything. Absolutely everything, without reservations. I love you so much, you know?
[ It's utterly sincere, written all over Kwang's features, and in his voice too. He listens to what Junsu is saying, eyes taking him in, unable to move away, completely, entirely taken by how beautiful Junsu is, how soft his heart is. ]
Okay. Okay, then - I'm glad that you have him, too. I'm glad you don't get to feel this fear. But you know I'll drop everything to be there for you if you need me, right? Even if I'm with Ten, he would understand.
[ Kwang scoffs, amused, and waves a dismissive hand, before reaching for Junsu, tugging him closer, wanting them close, close, closer, wanting to feel all of Junsu pressed against him. ]
He's been fine. He's just - suspicious is a good word for it. I guess he sees me as competition, I guess, which is part of what worried me, but. To be fair to him, he's made an effort, to talk to me, and to be civil, if not outright friendly. So maybe we'll get there. You don't have to talk to him about me, I promise.
[ His smile slips away then, as he thinks back on what he is, what he does, what the wings do to him when he brings them out. ]
I'm not saying that to try and push you away. It's not that - I honestly don't know what I'd do without you in my life, at this point. It'd be like losing half of my heart, and I don't want that. I just - I just want you to know. There's a part of me that hates them, and there's a part of me that loves them, and there's a part of me that's seduced by what they can offer me. They're dangerous, for me, but also for you. So just - what I'm trying to say is stay vigilant, okay? If I'm ever acting unlike myself, in any way.
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[ junsu looks relieved, but a bit sheepish, too. it feels like a lot to let go of at once, but he's glad they're doing this. if they were both feeling things like this, it's good to air them out and clear things up between them.
so they can be even stronger. ]
I know. I think rationally I know you would be there for me if I needed you, and that Ten wouldn't be upset with you either, it's just... Yeah. It wasn't very rational. I just felt like I had no one else. It feels more balanced to me now, and I get it more now too.
[ now that he has kwang and hojoon, he knows what it's like to have two boyfriends you adore, and how different these relationships and feelings are, but how one isn't above the other. ]
Hojoon... he's special to me. Really special. But so are you, okay? I love you. And I trust you. Magic and wings or not. I promise I'll be careful, but I also know... you're in control. You've been through so much and you're still someone so kind and gentle.
[ he takes kwang's face in both his hands, gentle. ]
Can you promise me something in exchange? If you ever feel that pull, like you can't resist what they offer you... Talk to me? Or Ten, or both of us. If there are days it's harder to bear them, we're here for you.
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I definitely understand. [ Kwang smiles, a little sheepish, too. ] I wouldn't have had these worries, if I didn't understand. I'm adjusting too, in a way. And I'll have to adjust a little more, if you and Ten grow even closer. Which, I'd definitely like, but it'll change things again.
[ He's not fooling himself about that. But he's quite excited by the prospect, rather than worried. As long as they don't take off together and leave him in the dust, obviously, which - eh. The thought makes him smile. ]
I wasn't always, you know? Kind and gentle. I've done a lot of shitty things, out of anger, and fear, and pain. But that's exactly why I want to be better now.
[ He leans into the touch, pushing his cheek against one of Junsu's palms, and he nods. ]
I will. The other day, actually, it - for some reason, they felt worse than usual. You were both busy, but I crossed paths with Dal, who touched me, and. [ Kwang closes his eyes, exhaling softly. ] He took the pain away, for a while. It helped. And then I took them out, and Hojoon saw me.
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he gets it. he doesn't think it makes kwang a bad person to have done bad things. ]
He took your pain away? Wow. [ it's awed. and he's jealous, too, because he's just human, and he can't do something as incredible and amazing as relieving his boyfriend of his pain like that. he would give anything to be able to. ] I'm glad you got to feel better for a while.
[ he means it. his jealousy doesn't prevent him from seeing how good this is for kwang, that maybe he'll go to dal for it again. junsu hopes he does. so he can feel a little better when it's at it's worst. ]
He saw you? And your wings? What did he say?
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Kwang nods, eyes still closed. He doesn't hear the jealousy in Junsu's voice, and if he did, he would easily explain how he doesn't need Junsu to have magic powers to take his pain away. Junsu does it, just by being here, with him. ]
I feel better now. [ Kwang says, softly. ] Just being here with you. I can barely feel them when I'm with you.
[ He prefers this, honestly. As grateful he is for Dal and the help he gave him, Kwang would much rather relax in Junsu's arms. He sighs softly, swaying forward into Junsu's arms. ]
He did. He helped me back into the house afterwards. I think he thought them beautiful. It was strange, because I'm so used to having to keep my distances, but he. He doesn't need to be careful about that, he could touch my wings.
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[ he wants to be that for him. good, a relief, freedom from pain. his arms go around him, holding kwang against his chest and nosing into his hair. he feels better around kwang too. more like a person, less like a mess. less confused, frustrated by his own feelings, and instead calm and knowing he can figure it out and things will work out.
he hums softly. ]
Course he thought they were beautiful. [ and it must be amazing for kwang to have found someone who isn't hurt by his proximity alone in that situation. ] That's true, he can handle hot, can't he?
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Kwang sways ever closer, arms wrapping around Junsu's waist, pressing his nose against his boyfriend's collarbone, just relishing in his presence.
Kwang chuckles, pulling back to look up at Junsu with a crooked grin. ]
Well, he can handle you, so he can definitely handle hot.
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That was both amazing and terrible. That takes skill.
[ and he really appreciates the compliment. he's never really found himself hideous, or anything, but to hear someone like kwang talk about him like that... it makes his heart race and his face feel hot.
kwang is so, so handsome, and gorgeous, and when he looks at junsu he sees that in him. ]
Thanks for saying I'm hot, hottie.
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What can I say, guess I'm just that good.
[ And he'd agree, in that he doesn't find himself hideous, and he cares about the way he looks, but he still feels like Junsu is miles ahead of him. He pulls back to be able to look at him, those crinkling eyes and full lips and cute nose, and he leans in for a chaste kiss, unable to help himself. ]
Anytime, babe. Seriously, you need an ego boost? I'm your guy.
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You really are so nice to me. This is so nice.
[ it's hard to remember kwang is his boyfriend in a concrete way, sometimes. because he's not been anyone's boyfriend in so long, and even back then maybe a part of him never really believed it was a real, lasting thing.
this feels real and lasting. and he's reminded that kwang is his boyfriend and he is kwang's boyfriend when they talk like this and make each other feel good with their words and do things like pretty up a tree house to be together, all alone. ]
Thank you for this, baby.
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Kwang smiles, thumb brushing Junsu's cheek. ]
You're welcome. Not that it was entirely selfless, mind you.
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[ he does show junsu every day. most of the insecurities are less tied to kwang and a lot more tied to junsu himself,these days. those are harder to get rid of, more insidious.
he knows kwang loves him but being reminded still takes his breath away sometimes. ]
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[ Just like it’s okay for Junsu to want him alone, too. Kwang surges up, fitting their mouths together in a searing kiss, hoping to say all the things he doesn’t always have the words for in it. His hand slides to the back of Junsu’s neck, and when he pulls back, a small smile tugs at the corners of his lips. ]
This weekend, it’s just about us, yeah? Let me take care of you. Worship you a little.
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Okay. I'm yours.
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