this sucks, really, but myung is doing it for someone he cares about and because it's what he wants, so junsu smiles. he takes myung's hand again, holding it tight. ]
Okay. I get it.
[ he does, even if it hurts. he'll miss being with myung that way, but he still gets to see him, so thats something. it's not like myung is leaving entirely. just putting an end to this aspect of their relationship. it's fine. he's friends with minsu still. he sees him a lot. and this is not... it isn't someone saying being with him wasn't serious. that he isn't special enough to keep like that, to be more. it's just things that happen. sometimes. maybe twice, but whatever, that doesn't mean anything. it can't.
he does wonder if that's what he thinks it is. if myung thinks junsu gives only parts of himself to the people he loves. that he can't love them completely. but maybe to myung that's what it meant.
this is making myung happy. that's what matters. it's probably going to be good for him. junsu's glad he has someone that special in his life. that's what he wants to put forward. ]
I think that sounds nice. He'll be happy you want that with him.
[ The only reason why Myung is bothering speaking to Junsu like this, serious and intent, is because he takes what they have seriously, too. Because their relationship matters to him. Because he loves Junsu, in a way. Not the way he loved Dae, not the way he loved Sage, not the way he loves Minsu, not the way he's falling for Dal. In its very own, personal, intimate, Junsu-and-Myung way.
Myung doesn't think that, actually. He has a very skewed view of himself and what he has to offer, and it never reflects on the people he does love. He's only ever seen Junsu give his everything to the people he cares for, himself included. ]
I'm sorry. [ Myung bites the inside of his lip, worrying it a little as he finds his words. ] I'm not going anywhere, alright? You and I, it's more than just sex, for me. And, fuck knows I've never done this before, so I'm definitely going to need... I don't know, help, advice, guidance, whatever. Something.
[ he squeezes myung's hand again. he appreciates the kind words, and it's true junsu considers myung to be a best friend. junsu's a little upset, a little sad, but he knows he'll be okay. he'll do his best not to let this hurt him because the intent isn't to do that. it hurts not to be chosen for the second time, but he now knows the value in friendship in a way he didn't before. he'll be happy to stay myung's friend without the sex. ]
I'm not sure I'll be the best at advice about that, but I'll do my best.
[ he laughs, thinking back to dal sitting in front of him and minsu. ]
Uh, yeah. Dal let it slip when me and Minsu talk to him about... things. Sex Ed.
[ Myung licks his lips, his smile breaking through again. ]
Honestly, I'm terrified. And you - you've got boyfriends, and they haven't run away from you, so you probably are doing things right. The only guy I've ever asked to be my boyfriend couldn't even dump me in person.
[ The smile fades. It still stings. Even if Dal has made moving on easy and fast and fun, it still stings. Myung's still angry about it. He looks away for a moment, before getting himself back together, shrugging aggressively.
That is, until he hears what Junsu says next, and his mouth opens, slightly shocked. ]
Excu- what? [ He blinks, genuinely surprised. And then, sort of mortified, color rushing to his cheeks.
[ junsu makes a face. he's not very happy with dae for that. not at all. ]
You deserve better. Dal is better.
[ not that junsu knows him all that well, and their conversation didn't go as smoothly as his conversations usually go, but. he doesn't dislike him. he's just trying to find his place, and if myung is willing to do this for him, then they'll be a good fit for each other.
junsu laughs again at myung's shock, waving a hand. ]
He had questions! Minsu wanted help making sure Dal would have the right answers!
[ Myung shrugs again, but he looks down, swaying forward a little until his forehead hits Junsu's shoulder. ]
I just don't want it to happen again.
[ Myung wouldn't be surprised to hear the conversation didn't go as smoothly as expected. Dal is truly... very innocent, when it comes to this. Myung chuckles, still feeling slightly mortified. ]
Part of me is glad he asked, part of me wishes he'd asked me. But I probably would have imploded.
[ junsu giggles softly and rubs his fingers at the base of myung's neck. he's so fond of this boy. ]
I think he would have imploded asking you, too. [ junsu turns his head and kisses myung's hair. he hopes that's not going too far. he kind of... hopes he can kiss him again, properly. one last time. ]
You're going to be good for him. And to him.
[ myung is kind and gentle, as much as he might believe he isn't. anger doesn't cancel out these traits. they're there. junsu has seen them first hand. ]
[ Myung looks back up, reaching up to cup Junsu's face. Despite everything, through everything, Junsu has been a steady presence in Myung's life, and he's important, and Myung has a lot of feelings for him. He leans in, resting their foreheads together. ]
I'll miss this, you know?
[ At least the anger has been mainly nonexistent, since he's met Dal. So there's that. ]
[ but he if thinks about it too much he'll get too sad, and he doesn't want myung to worry or have to deal with that. he's going after what he wants and he's been so much happier lately and junsu refuses to put a stain on that.
though... now would be a good time to say what he's been meaning to. ]
Hey, baby. I've been meaning to tell you something.
[ Myung smiles, taking a deep breath, inhaling Junsu in. He hopes they can still do this, to an extent - the cuddling, the easy intimacy. Just. Clothed.
It's just an adjustment, is all.
He opens his eyes, pulling back to give Junsu all of his attention. ]
[ this is easier to admit than the truth. though it's becoming easier and easier to say it, lately. that's why he wants to say something. he's tired of lying, of the anxiety of someone finding out. he's safe here. no one will kick him out, and his boyfriends will protect him if he needs it.
and he trusts myung. ]
I'm not... I'm human. [ he hasn't really said it in such a straightforward way outloud before. well, not counting when he said it as he was dragged to jail. this is willingly. ]
[ The first few words make Myung's stomach sink. That never bodes well, to start with those. But he doesn't waver, keeps looking at Junsu. He knows how it is, to want to keep secrets. To buy things down to try and not let them burden you so much you can barely live.
But then Junsu says the words, and Myung blinks, relief exploding in his chest. He lets out a noise, before pulling Junsu in his arms, hugging him tight. ]
Shit, I thought you were going to say you're leaving, or you're dying, or something fucking awful.
[ He grins in the crook of Junsu's neck, as he shrugs. ]
Sorry, I didn't mean to make it so dramatic, I just —
[ he holds onto myung tightly, buries his face against his shoulder. it feels good to say it, and it also feels awful. ]
I hate that I'm human and lied about it for so long and got really good at convincing myself no one would love me if they knew.
[ which he knows better now is ridiculous. kwang loves him. hojoon loves him. minsu loves him. what he is doesn't change that at all for any of them. so he shouldn't let it change it for himself either. ]
[ Myung shakes his head, holding on so tight his fingertips are turning white, and then he moves, kissing up Junsu's neck, his cheek. He stops just shy of his lips, breathing hard. They're very close. ]
I love you. [ In a lot of ways, he does. It's not just about the sex and Junsu needs to hear it. He could have loved Junsu as a lover, as a boyfriend, maybe, potentially. Circumstances change things, but Myung still loves Junsu, as a friend, someone he trusts, someone that's become intrinsic to Myung's happiness. ]
You're absolutely fine just the way you are. I'd change nothing.
[ junsu's almost going for it, out of habit. he doesn't, but it makes him want that kiss more. so do those words. the part of him he recognizes now as unhealthy wants to ask if that's true, then why is myung choosing someone else, someone who needs them to not be there for each other they way they have.
the part of him that has his feet to the earth understands you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. ]
Thank you.
[ his hand cups myung's face, pressing his forehead against his. ]
I love you too.
[ he takes in a shaky breath. he knows he shouldn't ask. ]
[ Myung's learning that, himself. That love comes in all sorts of shapes and flavors and it can be shown and understood in a myriad of ways. What he's starting to feel for Dal is its own thing, completely separate to how he feels for Junsu. How he feels for Minsu. How he feels for Dae, for Sage, for Ten.
He loves lots of people, and he loves them all in different ways. It's taking him a while, but he's getting there. And it feels good to hear the words said back to him. He doesn't care what Junsu is. He never has, and he's not going to start now.
[ myung's smile makes junsu smile in turn. he'd been worried it was overstepping, to ask. but he knew all too well what it was like not to have known a kiss was the last, and wanting badly to have had a chance to really remember it, to know it had to be imprinted into his memory.
his hand comes to the side of myung's face, and he closes the distance between them, kissing him softly. he doesn't want things to get desperate or sad, but he wants it to be a kiss that counts. so the emotion is there, in the slow intake of breath, the way he surges into it and finds that perfect fit of their lips. ]
[ Myung likes the idea of one last kiss. It feels like a promise, one where they're both okay and they're both happy and they can think of this sometimes as something good. He has no regrets, when it comes to Junsu. None whatsoever; they've been good for each other.
So one last kiss feels like a good way to say goodbye to this part of their relationship. It's a little bittersweet, but it's also soft and slow and sweet. Myung leans into it, tilts his head just so and licks at Junsu's lips, a small contented noise escaping him as he slides a hand into Junsu's hair.
[ against his better judgement, junsu parts his lips and presses into the kiss a little more insistently and deepens it. not too much. just enough so myung can't forget how it feels to kiss him and so junsu can remember this as it usually is, the way they usually kiss. when their mouths part, he doesn't move too far away, his nose touching myung's, his eyes closed. ]
I'll miss doing this with you. [ he smiles, soft and fond and sad too. ] I can't even threaten to kick Dal's ass if he doesn't treat you right because I know he'll do a good job. He's what you need.
[ Myung lets out a tiny noise when the kiss deepens, his natural instinct being to fit himself closer, but then, as soon as it started, it's over, and Myung keeps his eyes closed a little longer than necessary once they pull back, licking his lips and tasting Junsu there.
Myung's smile is a little sad, too, when he finally snaps out of his reverie, and looks back at Junsu, thumb brushing his cheek. ]
Me too. [ He chuckles. In plenty of ways, he agrees - just the rhythm they've set, the time they've been taking getting to know each other instead of jumping straight into bed, just that, in how different it is for Myung, it has felt like exactly what he needed.
But it's still good to hear it from other people, especially someone like Junsu, who gets Myung and his needs and how fucked up he can be better than most. ] You think?
I don't just think. I know it. That's my magic power.
[ he smiles. that's a joke, obviously. not one he'd make with just anyone, but myung... is myung. junsu will have to change how he fits into his life, but he doesn't want myung to become less important, and so he won't. he's still someone junsu trusts and loves and wants in his life. someone he can now make jokes about non existent magic powers now. ]
You're going to be good for each other, and you're going to be happy.
[ Myung chuckles, thumb brushing the side of Junsu's neck. He feels the same way, in that Junsu is way too important for him to be okay with things changing, and so - they'll manage, one way or another. They'll find the way they can be friends without the sex. Myung's done it before, and he can do it again. ]
Thank you. I hope so. I'll do my best to make him happy, anyway.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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this sucks, really, but myung is doing it for someone he cares about and because it's what he wants, so junsu smiles. he takes myung's hand again, holding it tight. ]
Okay. I get it.
[ he does, even if it hurts. he'll miss being with myung that way, but he still gets to see him, so thats something. it's not like myung is leaving entirely. just putting an end to this aspect of their relationship. it's fine. he's friends with minsu still. he sees him a lot. and this is not... it isn't someone saying being with him wasn't serious. that he isn't special enough to keep like that, to be more. it's just things that happen. sometimes. maybe twice, but whatever, that doesn't mean anything. it can't.
he does wonder if that's what he thinks it is. if myung thinks junsu gives only parts of himself to the people he loves. that he can't love them completely. but maybe to myung that's what it meant.
this is making myung happy. that's what matters. it's probably going to be good for him. junsu's glad he has someone that special in his life. that's what he wants to put forward. ]
I think that sounds nice. He'll be happy you want that with him.
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Myung doesn't think that, actually. He has a very skewed view of himself and what he has to offer, and it never reflects on the people he does love. He's only ever seen Junsu give his everything to the people he cares for, himself included. ]
I'm sorry. [ Myung bites the inside of his lip, worrying it a little as he finds his words. ] I'm not going anywhere, alright? You and I, it's more than just sex, for me. And, fuck knows I've never done this before, so I'm definitely going to need... I don't know, help, advice, guidance, whatever. Something.
[ Then Junsu's words catch up to Myung. ]
Wait, you know who I'm talking about?
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[ he squeezes myung's hand again. he appreciates the kind words, and it's true junsu considers myung to be a best friend. junsu's a little upset, a little sad, but he knows he'll be okay. he'll do his best not to let this hurt him because the intent isn't to do that. it hurts not to be chosen for the second time, but he now knows the value in friendship in a way he didn't before. he'll be happy to stay myung's friend without the sex. ]
I'm not sure I'll be the best at advice about that, but I'll do my best.
[ he laughs, thinking back to dal sitting in front of him and minsu. ]
Uh, yeah. Dal let it slip when me and Minsu talk to him about... things. Sex Ed.
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Honestly, I'm terrified. And you - you've got boyfriends, and they haven't run away from you, so you probably are doing things right. The only guy I've ever asked to be my boyfriend couldn't even dump me in person.
[ The smile fades. It still stings. Even if Dal has made moving on easy and fast and fun, it still stings. Myung's still angry about it. He looks away for a moment, before getting himself back together, shrugging aggressively.
That is, until he hears what Junsu says next, and his mouth opens, slightly shocked. ]
Excu- what? [ He blinks, genuinely surprised. And then, sort of mortified, color rushing to his cheeks.
But that means -
Later. ]
Sex Ed.
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You deserve better. Dal is better.
[ not that junsu knows him all that well, and their conversation didn't go as smoothly as his conversations usually go, but. he doesn't dislike him. he's just trying to find his place, and if myung is willing to do this for him, then they'll be a good fit for each other.
junsu laughs again at myung's shock, waving a hand. ]
He had questions! Minsu wanted help making sure Dal would have the right answers!
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I just don't want it to happen again.
[ Myung wouldn't be surprised to hear the conversation didn't go as smoothly as expected. Dal is truly... very innocent, when it comes to this. Myung chuckles, still feeling slightly mortified. ]
Part of me is glad he asked, part of me wishes he'd asked me. But I probably would have imploded.
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I think he would have imploded asking you, too. [ junsu turns his head and kisses myung's hair. he hopes that's not going too far. he kind of... hopes he can kiss him again, properly. one last time. ]
You're going to be good for him. And to him.
[ myung is kind and gentle, as much as he might believe he isn't. anger doesn't cancel out these traits. they're there. junsu has seen them first hand. ]
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I'll miss this, you know?
[ At least the anger has been mainly nonexistent, since he's met Dal. So there's that. ]
I hope so. I hope I am.
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[ but he if thinks about it too much he'll get too sad, and he doesn't want myung to worry or have to deal with that. he's going after what he wants and he's been so much happier lately and junsu refuses to put a stain on that.
though... now would be a good time to say what he's been meaning to. ]
Hey, baby. I've been meaning to tell you something.
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It's just an adjustment, is all.
He opens his eyes, pulling back to give Junsu all of his attention. ]
Yeah? I'm listening.
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[ this is easier to admit than the truth. though it's becoming easier and easier to say it, lately. that's why he wants to say something. he's tired of lying, of the anxiety of someone finding out. he's safe here. no one will kick him out, and his boyfriends will protect him if he needs it.
and he trusts myung. ]
I'm not... I'm human. [ he hasn't really said it in such a straightforward way outloud before. well, not counting when he said it as he was dragged to jail. this is willingly. ]
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But then Junsu says the words, and Myung blinks, relief exploding in his chest. He lets out a noise, before pulling Junsu in his arms, hugging him tight. ]
Shit, I thought you were going to say you're leaving, or you're dying, or something fucking awful.
[ He grins in the crook of Junsu's neck, as he shrugs. ]
I don't give a shit. You're Junsu.
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[ he holds onto myung tightly, buries his face against his shoulder. it feels good to say it, and it also feels awful. ]
I hate that I'm human and lied about it for so long and got really good at convincing myself no one would love me if they knew.
[ which he knows better now is ridiculous. kwang loves him. hojoon loves him. minsu loves him. what he is doesn't change that at all for any of them. so he shouldn't let it change it for himself either. ]
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I love you. [ In a lot of ways, he does. It's not just about the sex and Junsu needs to hear it. He could have loved Junsu as a lover, as a boyfriend, maybe, potentially. Circumstances change things, but Myung still loves Junsu, as a friend, someone he trusts, someone that's become intrinsic to Myung's happiness. ]
You're absolutely fine just the way you are. I'd change nothing.
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the part of him that has his feet to the earth understands you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. ]
Thank you.
[ his hand cups myung's face, pressing his forehead against his. ]
I love you too.
[ he takes in a shaky breath. he knows he shouldn't ask. ]
Can I kiss you? One last time?
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He loves lots of people, and he loves them all in different ways. It's taking him a while, but he's getting there. And it feels good to hear the words said back to him. He doesn't care what Junsu is. He never has, and he's not going to start now.
Myung smiles, exhales a bit loud. ]
Yeah. Yeah, please.
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his hand comes to the side of myung's face, and he closes the distance between them, kissing him softly. he doesn't want things to get desperate or sad, but he wants it to be a kiss that counts. so the emotion is there, in the slow intake of breath, the way he surges into it and finds that perfect fit of their lips. ]
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So one last kiss feels like a good way to say goodbye to this part of their relationship. It's a little bittersweet, but it's also soft and slow and sweet. Myung leans into it, tilts his head just so and licks at Junsu's lips, a small contented noise escaping him as he slides a hand into Junsu's hair.
It's pretty meaningful. ]
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I'll miss doing this with you. [ he smiles, soft and fond and sad too. ] I can't even threaten to kick Dal's ass if he doesn't treat you right because I know he'll do a good job. He's what you need.
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Myung's smile is a little sad, too, when he finally snaps out of his reverie, and looks back at Junsu, thumb brushing his cheek. ]
Me too. [ He chuckles. In plenty of ways, he agrees - just the rhythm they've set, the time they've been taking getting to know each other instead of jumping straight into bed, just that, in how different it is for Myung, it has felt like exactly what he needed.
But it's still good to hear it from other people, especially someone like Junsu, who gets Myung and his needs and how fucked up he can be better than most. ] You think?
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[ he smiles. that's a joke, obviously. not one he'd make with just anyone, but myung... is myung. junsu will have to change how he fits into his life, but he doesn't want myung to become less important, and so he won't. he's still someone junsu trusts and loves and wants in his life. someone he can now make jokes about non existent magic powers now. ]
You're going to be good for each other, and you're going to be happy.
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Thank you. I hope so. I'll do my best to make him happy, anyway.
[ He looks back up, smiling. ]
Thank you. [ He repeats, full of feeling. ]