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[ Kwang knows not to expect Junsu to be angry with Hojoon on his behalf. He knows, if he wants that kind of reaction, he just has to talk to Ten; and he will, at some point. He knows Junsu loves them both and he probably just wants Kwang to understand.
But it hurts a little, to hear this. To hear that maybe the only reason why Hojoon rejected him is a reason Kwang wishes he could burn to the ground.
There's a part of Kwang that wants to complain, right now, a part of him that wants to be selfish, to demand all of Junsu's understanding and sympathy be turned to him. But it's not fair, and Kwang tries, at the best of times, to not be too selfish, and he knows Junsu must ache for both of them, and he's the one stuck in the middle. It sucks for him, and he's trying to stay neutral. Kwang would be the same, if Ten was to tell Junsu of his feelings, and didn't get the response he wanted.
Still, Kwang is vulnerable, and tired, and he sighs, burying his face in Junsu's neck as he feels tears burn at the corner of his eyes, wishing he wasn't this weak. ]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle.
But it hurts a little, to hear this. To hear that maybe the only reason why Hojoon rejected him is a reason Kwang wishes he could burn to the ground.
There's a part of Kwang that wants to complain, right now, a part of him that wants to be selfish, to demand all of Junsu's understanding and sympathy be turned to him. But it's not fair, and Kwang tries, at the best of times, to not be too selfish, and he knows Junsu must ache for both of them, and he's the one stuck in the middle. It sucks for him, and he's trying to stay neutral. Kwang would be the same, if Ten was to tell Junsu of his feelings, and didn't get the response he wanted.
Still, Kwang is vulnerable, and tired, and he sighs, burying his face in Junsu's neck as he feels tears burn at the corner of his eyes, wishing he wasn't this weak. ]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle.
[ he does ache for both of them. it's hard to protect kwang and defend him against this paint without slighting the other person he loves. he can't speak ill of hojoon like he could never speak ill of kwang. he doesn't even like it when anyone implies they're less than amazing in any way. ]
No one's fault. [ he rubs his hand up and down kwang's back again. it's so hard to know what to say. kwang deserves... so much. not this. but he deserves the kind of love that feels infinite and freely given. ]
You do deserve someone who could love you fully. Who doesn't think their love is in limited quantities. Even if that's not true, if that's how he feels... I don't want that for you. I don't want you to love someone who can't give you the same back.
No one's fault. [ he rubs his hand up and down kwang's back again. it's so hard to know what to say. kwang deserves... so much. not this. but he deserves the kind of love that feels infinite and freely given. ]
You do deserve someone who could love you fully. Who doesn't think their love is in limited quantities. Even if that's not true, if that's how he feels... I don't want that for you. I don't want you to love someone who can't give you the same back.
easily doable for the likes of us.
i know that. it sounds ridiculous even just reading it. of course you can't get upset with someone for that. it's not his fault or anything he should be blamed for or anything i have a right to get upset about...
i guess i'm more upset with myself. and i shouldn't be venting it like this at all, so i'm sorry! really, i am. i just want to do what i can to help everyone be happy.
i know that. it sounds ridiculous even just reading it. of course you can't get upset with someone for that. it's not his fault or anything he should be blamed for or anything i have a right to get upset about...
i guess i'm more upset with myself. and i shouldn't be venting it like this at all, so i'm sorry! really, i am. i just want to do what i can to help everyone be happy.
[ Just like he knew it to be true when Hojoon said it, Kwang knows it to be true when Junsu says it, too. It's hard to take, still, because Kwang wants to believe that idea that love is finite is a notion he could teach Hojoon is wrong.
But it's not his choice to make. If Hojoon doesn't want to try, it's not Kwang's place to try and force it. And the selfish voice inside him wants to say he doesn't care about someone else's infinite love when he would settle for Hojoon's small offerings, but he knows.
He knows he'd grow to hate it. To resent it. ]
I know you're right. I know, in the long run, it would not work out. But right now... right now I wish I could have whatever he has to offer. But he's not willing to give it to me.
[ Sighing, Kwang still doesn't look up at Junsu, feeling somewhat embarrassed. ]
I've been dealing with some other things, too, that I didn't mention. Everything coming to a head like this, it's making me feel a little vulnerable. Again. I'd rather be strong for you.
But it's not his choice to make. If Hojoon doesn't want to try, it's not Kwang's place to try and force it. And the selfish voice inside him wants to say he doesn't care about someone else's infinite love when he would settle for Hojoon's small offerings, but he knows.
He knows he'd grow to hate it. To resent it. ]
I know you're right. I know, in the long run, it would not work out. But right now... right now I wish I could have whatever he has to offer. But he's not willing to give it to me.
[ Sighing, Kwang still doesn't look up at Junsu, feeling somewhat embarrassed. ]
I've been dealing with some other things, too, that I didn't mention. Everything coming to a head like this, it's making me feel a little vulnerable. Again. I'd rather be strong for you.
you can be upset, just...
on kwangs behalf you know. about kwang. it sucks. it hurts. but hojoon isnt doing this on purpose. i would rather he do this now than after trying and it didnt work. then kwang's heart would be infinitely more broken.
are you upset at yourself for being mad?
on kwangs behalf you know. about kwang. it sucks. it hurts. but hojoon isnt doing this on purpose. i would rather he do this now than after trying and it didnt work. then kwang's heart would be infinitely more broken.
are you upset at yourself for being mad?
[ that's normal, he thinks. of course rationally kwang knows this, but he wanted something and it would've been good while he had it and he was denied and for a reason that seems so against his way of thinking and living and loving.
junsu kisses his hair, buries his nose against it, breathes in deep. this is just adding onto more, it seems, and he feels a little guilty he didn't really know, thought things were better after they'd talked in the tree house. ]
Isn't part of the point of having a boyfriend having a partner? So someone's there for you when you're not feeling strong?
[ he leans back a bit, wanting to look into kwang's face. ]
You don't have to be strong for me. I'm here for you, and to help you with those other things.
junsu kisses his hair, buries his nose against it, breathes in deep. this is just adding onto more, it seems, and he feels a little guilty he didn't really know, thought things were better after they'd talked in the tree house. ]
Isn't part of the point of having a boyfriend having a partner? So someone's there for you when you're not feeling strong?
[ he leans back a bit, wanting to look into kwang's face. ]
You don't have to be strong for me. I'm here for you, and to help you with those other things.
that's true. i think that would really make me upset for kwang.
maybe it makes me a little confused? i'm not sure exactly what to call the feeling.
i think i'm upset with myself for not knowing what to do and for feeling like i made things harder than they had to be. i've been doing that a lot lately...
maybe it makes me a little confused? i'm not sure exactly what to call the feeling.
i think i'm upset with myself for not knowing what to do and for feeling like i made things harder than they had to be. i've been doing that a lot lately...
Yeah, you’re right. I’m glad you’re here, too. Very much so.
[ He takes some more time to just appreciate Junsu’s comfort, warm and solid and loving. It’s good, it feels better than good, right now. He wants to soak it all up.
Then he sighs again, a lot softer, something a little scared, blooming in his chest. ]
The other day, Ten and I had an innocent conversation, about kids - because of Minsu and Sage. But it started a chain reaction inside me, because Ten talked about having kids and how happy he’d be doing that, and -
[ He lets out another small sob. ]
I think I pushed the knowledge deep down inside for a long, long time. I had other things to work on, that felt more important. But - Junsu, I just. I can’t have kids. Not anymore.
[ He takes some more time to just appreciate Junsu’s comfort, warm and solid and loving. It’s good, it feels better than good, right now. He wants to soak it all up.
Then he sighs again, a lot softer, something a little scared, blooming in his chest. ]
The other day, Ten and I had an innocent conversation, about kids - because of Minsu and Sage. But it started a chain reaction inside me, because Ten talked about having kids and how happy he’d be doing that, and -
[ He lets out another small sob. ]
I think I pushed the knowledge deep down inside for a long, long time. I had other things to work on, that felt more important. But - Junsu, I just. I can’t have kids. Not anymore.
you're right, he would. he'd be so gentle.
sort of? a little. there's something i keep asking his advice on and he knows i haven't done anything about it, so every time i bring it up, i think i get onto this train.
and i talked to him. about family. about kids. and i think it came out then, too. a little. that i worry i'm hurting him?
sort of? a little. there's something i keep asking his advice on and he knows i haven't done anything about it, so every time i bring it up, i think i get onto this train.
and i talked to him. about family. about kids. and i think it came out then, too. a little. that i worry i'm hurting him?
[ junsu's heart breaks a little more. this isn't a desire he's familiar with, but he knows the importance of it, and knows how hard it must've been for that to come up again during what should've been a more exciting and happy talk about the future.
it's not fair. everyone's suffered so much. he's not even sure if this means kwang physically can't, or if it means he did once and it ended badly, or if it means something else awful happened. it doesn't really matter. it's an upsetting topic for his boyfriend, and that's what he's here to help alleviate. ]
I'm sorry... [ he holds him close close close and tight tight tight for a moment, because i'm sorry doesn't really convey anything, not the intensity he's feeling. ]
I'm sorry that brought up bad memories. And that you can't, even if you wanted to.
[ and maybe this is a stupid thing to say, but its important, maybe helpful, for kwang to hear it from someone else. ]
You know that won't change how he feels about you, right?
it's not fair. everyone's suffered so much. he's not even sure if this means kwang physically can't, or if it means he did once and it ended badly, or if it means something else awful happened. it doesn't really matter. it's an upsetting topic for his boyfriend, and that's what he's here to help alleviate. ]
I'm sorry... [ he holds him close close close and tight tight tight for a moment, because i'm sorry doesn't really convey anything, not the intensity he's feeling. ]
I'm sorry that brought up bad memories. And that you can't, even if you wanted to.
[ and maybe this is a stupid thing to say, but its important, maybe helpful, for kwang to hear it from someone else. ]
You know that won't change how he feels about you, right?
[ It wasn't a desire Kwang was familiar with, either. He's never thought about it, before Ten started talking about it, and it had shocked Kwang to his very core.
He sniffles softly, shaking his head as he pushes back to look at Junsu again, knowing his cheeks are red. ]
I don't know that I'd want to. But I hate that the choice was taken from me, you know?
[ That's the problem, truly. Rubbing at his eyes, Kwang nods. ]
I know. I know it's not a problem, it's just... something I have to deal with, myself. Does it change - how you feel?
He sniffles softly, shaking his head as he pushes back to look at Junsu again, knowing his cheeks are red. ]
I don't know that I'd want to. But I hate that the choice was taken from me, you know?
[ That's the problem, truly. Rubbing at his eyes, Kwang nods. ]
I know. I know it's not a problem, it's just... something I have to deal with, myself. Does it change - how you feel?
[ junsu takes kwang's face into his hands, shaking his head vehemently. this has zero impact on what he feels. babies are so far into his future, in his eyes. marriage is only something he's recently started to think about, and it's not something he'd want right away, so that's even further.
why would it change how he feels, anyway? there are many ways to have a child. and if kwang never wanted any, that would be fine. ]
Of course not, baby. It changes nothing at all. I love you.
[ he kisses his red cheek, then the other, then the tip of his nose. his voice lowers, a soft whisper. ]
I'm so sorry the choice was taken from you. We love you no matter what.
why would it change how he feels, anyway? there are many ways to have a child. and if kwang never wanted any, that would be fine. ]
Of course not, baby. It changes nothing at all. I love you.
[ he kisses his red cheek, then the other, then the tip of his nose. his voice lowers, a soft whisper. ]
I'm so sorry the choice was taken from you. We love you no matter what.
I love you.
[ It's full of feeling and so genuine, the way he says this. It's important, it's the most important thing. Hojoon might not want him, and he might not have the kind of choices he used to have, but. He still has all of this. He has Junsu, and his love, and he really needs nothing else. ]
Thank you for being here. I think Hojoon will need some attention, too.
[ It's full of feeling and so genuine, the way he says this. It's important, it's the most important thing. Hojoon might not want him, and he might not have the kind of choices he used to have, but. He still has all of this. He has Junsu, and his love, and he really needs nothing else. ]
Thank you for being here. I think Hojoon will need some attention, too.
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