braced | inbox

Yeah, it —

[ he stops before he really starts getting into it, seeing the way kwang's smile dims slightly. is he mad junsu left so suddenly? it doesn't seem like kwang not to have mentioned it, so it must be something else, but junsu's still a little worried.

he smooths his hands over kwang's shoulders. ]

I'm sorry I left so suddenly. We were planning on going sometime but then it just felt right to go right away. [ he worries his bottom lip with his teeth. ]

I promise I'll give you more warning next time.

[ Kwang shakes his head, regretting being so obvious instantly, but also feeling like - well, maybe he should say something. Because he likes to communicate, and he dislikes nothing more than secrets between the two of them. Even if it's not exactly a secret. ]

No, no, that's okay. I did something quite similar, actually, that's not -

[ His stomach twists a little, reaching up to pull Junsu's bottom lip free with his thumb, soothing over it. ]

It's not you, at all. It's just me, and my own thoughts, and worries. I just. I know you and Hojoon have a very privileged bond, and I don't want to... be an obstacle to you, getting everything you want. Even if that is an exclusive relationship with him.

[ He wants it very clear that he does not blame Junsu for any of it, or Hojoon, and he hopes it shows through. ]

You — What? No, darling, you're not an obstacle...

[ junsu immediately feels bad that he might have given kwang the impression this was a possibility. has he been spending too much time with him? talking about him too much?

it's true kwang doesn't talk about ten with him much, but he thinks that's more because he knows junsu has needed time. he should have considered that kwang might be the same, and not that he understood because he had the same with ten. they have each other, then someone else that means just as much. he swallows. it's getting more and more tiring to navigate so many relationships, and his only thought has been that kwang and hojoon are so good to him both in their own ways.

never just hojoon. ]

I'm sorry I gave you room to think... I love you, you know? [ he must not be doing enough to make that clear. he must not know how to balance things well enough that kwang never doubts that junsu wants to be with him.

he fiddles at the collar of kwang's shirt, looking down now. his voice is quiet, but he thinks it's a fair question. if kwang is going to think that way, maybe turning the situation will make him see it's not what he might think. ]

Do you want an exclusive relationship with Ten because you have a privileged bond with him?

you'll figure out soon enough what you find fun or not

[ Kwang's heart seizes in his chest. This is not - this isn't what he wanted. He didn't mean - reaching out, he cups Junsu's face with both hands, making their eyes meet. ]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry, or feel bad. Sometimes, my heart leaps ahead and doesn't give my head the time to rationalize.

[ But it's a relief to have this reassurance. He feels bad enjoying the relief that makes his frame loosen, that makes him look at Junsu with adoration in his eyes. ]

I know. And I love you. So much. It wasn't that you gave me room to think this, I promise. You haven't done a single thing wrong, alright? I think I've been feeling a little vulnerable lately and let myself got worked up. It's on me, okay? Not on you.

[ The question surprises Kwang, even if he should have expected it. It's much easier to understand where Junsu comes from, the moment the table is turned, because he suddenly wonders if he's not done enough for Junsu to be sure of Kwang's feelings for him, and if he's spent too much time with Ten and not enough with Junsu, and -

Yeah. He gets it. Still, he's adamant and earnest when he starts talking again. ]

No. I love both of you, and I have a privileged bond with both of you. My relationship with Ten is not more important than my relationship with you. It's the same. If I could, I'd promise myself to you both, forever.

[ Which, technically, he can, at least in a way that's recognized by his caste. ]

I suppose it could get to be a long list. Thank you for helping me.

[ against his better judgement, junsu parts his lips and presses into the kiss a little more insistently and deepens it. not too much. just enough so myung can't forget how it feels to kiss him and so junsu can remember this as it usually is, the way they usually kiss. when their mouths part, he doesn't move too far away, his nose touching myung's, his eyes closed. ]

I'll miss doing this with you. [ he smiles, soft and fond and sad too. ] I can't even threaten to kick Dal's ass if he doesn't treat you right because I know he'll do a good job. He's what you need.

[ Myung lets out a tiny noise when the kiss deepens, his natural instinct being to fit himself closer, but then, as soon as it started, it's over, and Myung keeps his eyes closed a little longer than necessary once they pull back, licking his lips and tasting Junsu there.

Myung's smile is a little sad, too, when he finally snaps out of his reverie, and looks back at Junsu, thumb brushing his cheek. ]

Me too. [ He chuckles. In plenty of ways, he agrees - just the rhythm they've set, the time they've been taking getting to know each other instead of jumping straight into bed, just that, in how different it is for Myung, it has felt like exactly what he needed.

But it's still good to hear it from other people, especially someone like Junsu, who gets Myung and his needs and how fucked up he can be better than most. ] You think?

[ Devan chuckles, rolling her eyes at Junsu's teasing, but she still nods quickly when he offers to turn around, legs shifting a little under the water, her breath feeling trapped in her chest for a moment. ]

Yeah, I think you should. You definitely should.

I don't just think. I know it. That's my magic power.

[ he smiles. that's a joke, obviously. not one he'd make with just anyone, but myung... is myung. junsu will have to change how he fits into his life, but he doesn't want myung to become less important, and so he won't. he's still someone junsu trusts and loves and wants in his life. someone he can now make jokes about non existent magic powers now. ]

You're going to be good for each other, and you're going to be happy.

[ Myung chuckles, thumb brushing the side of Junsu's neck. He feels the same way, in that Junsu is way too important for him to be okay with things changing, and so - they'll manage, one way or another. They'll find the way they can be friends without the sex. Myung's done it before, and he can do it again. ]

Thank you. I hope so. I'll do my best to make him happy, anyway.

[ He looks back up, smiling. ]

Thank you. [ He repeats, full of feeling. ]

[ that's a big thing, that kind of promise. junsu isn't sure it's ten that will receive it first from kwang, but he doesn't mind the way he might have before. it doesn't make him feel panicked and heartbroken. it just makes sense to him, and he'd be happy for them. it wouldn't mean kwang loves junsu less than he did before.

besides, junsu has another boyfriend now too. he's selfish sometimes, but he doesn't like being a hypocrite.

he drops his forehead against kwang's shoulder. ]

I know, baby. [ his arms wind around his middle. ] Whatever's making you feel vulnerable... we can talk about it, and we should talk about this stuff if we're even a tiny little bit scared.

[ if they can't talk about things like this then it might spell their downfall in the future, and junsu doesn't want that at all. he takes a breath. ]

You can talk to me about him, you know. [ kwang's gone to great efforts to accommodate for his own insecurities and vulnerability. ]

It's okay. I like him. You have Ten and I have Hojoon. So I get it. [ he never disliked ten, really, but it was scary that kwang had someone else and he didn't. that if he needed someone he loved and who loved him, kwang might be busy, or not there, or with ten already.

it just feels more secure now that he has something that makes him feel even in every sense. ]

[ The thing is that Ten received a similar promise, but while Kwang was under the influence of Halloween-themed candy drugs. Or something. So he's pretty sure it doesn't count, at all. He only vaguely remembers the conversation. Here, now, he's sober and he feels a little like walls that have been crumbling for a long time are finally giving up the ghost. ]

I guess what scares me, truly, is just. Losing you. I know that it isn't rational. I just worry that I don't give you as much attention and devotion as Hojoon does, or I don't reassure you enough that you matter so, so, so much to me. And that it'll make you choose him, at some point. And I know it's not rational because as I just said, it wouldn't even cross my mind to leave you, and when you make me look at it from your point of view, it seems ludicrous, but. I am not sure polyamory is something you're completely comfortable with, and thus, I worry.

[ He takes a deep breath, looking down. The flush in his cheeks is shame, more than anything else, at even thinking these thoughts. With anyone else, he'd be cool, and composed. But he loves Junsu in a way he can barely describe, and it makes him struggle with his words when he's unsure he's not making a mess of things. ]

I think part of it is due to - I don't quite understand my feelings about Hojoon. I want him to like me, and I'm worried he thinks I'm not good enough for you, and it will influence you in the long run.

And honestly, I'm probably not good enough for you. I was reminded of that when I showed you my wings. They're... they were created with so much evil, but so much power, and I know it can be corrupting. It scares me, how easy they could take me over.

[ He's mixing himself up, talking about too many things at once, too many things he's kept in for a while, never quite finding the right time to talk to Junsu about it, sort of worried he'd piss Junsu off with his insecurities. ]

Oh. Oh, that's - good. I like Hojoon, too. Even if I don't know if it's mutual.

[ Here, after your next little trip away in the woods, Junsu, do find one Yoo Myung barging in your room and immediately faceplanting in your bed, burying his face in a pillow to let out a soft, soft screech.

And then he speaks, muffled into the pillow: ]

I fucking kid you not, I have had three consecutive wet dreams last night. All three woke me up. My wrist hurts, and it's only partly because of the piano.

[ junsu's laughter is like an ugly witch cackle. this is way too funny. well, it's also proof that myung really, really likes dal, so it's sweet, too.

but it's mostly funny. ]

You knew what you were getting into! [ he slaps myung's ass on his way to sit next to him on the bed, laughing more to himself. ]

At least you haven't chafed anything yet.

[ Myung raises a hand - but not his head - to give Junsu the finger, even though he knew very well that by coming here and saying that, he was going to be mocked. He deserves it, too, and it's not like he's actually> angry or anything. He's just... horny. And a little desperate. And he won't tell Dal that, because then Dal will feel pressured into doing stuff he's not ready for yet.

Finally, Myung turns his head, squinting at Junsu. There's no heat behind his look, or his words. ]

Yet. I've gone through so much lube. [ He sighs, relaxing a little. ] Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing about him. And the stuff we do is - well it's hot, even if it's super Victorian. I'm just. Worked up.

I'm sure.

[minsu gives him a smile and an encouraging little nod. but junsu probably needs more than that to risk his one shot at escape. hell, to risk his safety if minsu's wrong. the fox has seen prisoners run at the fence out of desperation, the way their bodies twitch from the electric shock.]

I've been...tempted.

[he looks down, humbled, like he's confessing to a priest.]

If they took me out of my cell, I would probably be on the other side of it by now.

You're such a baby. It's not even been that long.

[ he nudges myung's leg, his laughter dying down to soft chuckles. he ruffles myung's hair, flopping down onto the mattress next to him, heaving a great sigh. ]

Think about how amazing it'll be to have sex again after you've held off a while. It'll really make it special.

[ Myung turns his head back to groan into the pillow, before finally, properly settling on his side to be able to speak and look at Junsu. ]

I know. I know, it's just. I want him so bad, that's all. We've done some things, you know, but it's always - it's like you're really really thirsty, and you get a sip of water, and then you have to watch the bottle. You can touch the bottle and caress the bottle and kiss the bottle but you can't -

[ Myung slaps a hand over his face, grunting in embarrassment. ] That's a terrible analogy, but you get what I mean.

[ Peeking at Junsu from between his fingertips, Myung hums. ]

Anyway, 'nough about me. How are you? You disappeared again for a few days.

Yeah, I get it. At least you know you'll have more, eventually.

[ it's not a situation like he can't have dal because dal doesn't want him or is with someone else. it's not the same, but he knows what it's like to take a sip of what being with someone might be like, maybe multiple sips, but then never be able to drink from that same bottle again.

the thought isn't quite as upsetting as it once might have been. it's okay. he got a taste in the first place. and he's happy myung will get to have that whole bottle.

wow, this analogy. ]

Kwang took me away.

[ junsu takes in a slow, deep breath. he wants to address everything kwang is saying, and say what he has to say. this is an important conversation for them to have, and junsu is aware that it's significant for kwang to show himself like this to him, for him to share these things. he's always been straightforward and honest, but he doesn't think just anyone gets to see him worry about things like this.

so he wants to be good to him, and say all the right things. ]

Baby, if anything is going to change, it won't be because of what someone else thinks. And I would talk to you. I want you to know... I would talk to you, if I was scared, or my feelings were starting to change.

[ and that hasn't been the case. he loves kwang. kwang has taught him he can be worth more than he thought. ]

The only thing I've had on my mind is maybe just. Having enough. With you and Hojoon, and... [ quietly: ] Room for Ten, maybe. And Birdie, if they want.

[ it's already a lot of people. but he doesn't want more. it feels stilted and forced and weird, even. he might think someone's cute, but something has been holding him back, and he thinks it's this. the people in his life, his boyfriends, they're enough.

but kwang isn't wrong. ]

You're right that polyamory isn't — I've never done it before. I don't have a problem with it in and of itself, but I get... like you, it's the same. It's not rational, but I get scared. Less so now, but before, when he was your boyfriend and I wasn't, I thought — if something happens, it's him Kwang would protect first. I know that's fucked up of me. I'm not really good at keeping that to myself, though Ten thinks I've been so nice to him all this time and I really thought I was kind of a dick by trying to be as distant as possible.

[ that's why ten is good. or maybe junsu is too strict about his own behaviour. it's probably a mix of both. he squeezes kwang's hand, holding on. ]

And I guess I didn't... It was hard for me to deal with Minsu and Sage and then you and Ten. It was like someone else being chosen over me twice in a short time. [ he knows that's not really what it was with ten, since now it's different. but at the time... it threw him off, and it made him feel less special, less interesting, less loveable than ten was. he likes being someone's special person. ]

But it's not sharing you that bothers me. I'm happy you have someone else in your life that can make you happy. And you don't have to worry about giving me as much attention and devotion as someone else, I just want what you have to give me.

[ he tilts his head. he feels selfish, greedy, but maybe it can make more sense if he explains more. ]

Now that I have Hojoon, it's like... I'm less scared. Because even if I matter less, somehow, if things change, if you and Ten do things together and go away together. I'm not alone. I think that's what kept scaring me. Even if we're both your boyfriends, you could want to take Ten away and then I'd have no one. If you two were hanging out, I didn't have like. Someone else, you know? Not like that. But that's not true anymore.

[ he smiles, kind of shy. ]

Joon's... He's just suspicious. He's like an old man sometimes, he doesn't trust anyone or anything. But I want him to be nice to you, and if he's not, I'll talk to him.

[ he frowns and worries at his bottom lip, some of kwang's words coming back to him. he doesn't like those words. ]

Your wings are just part of you. You have never hurt me because of them, and I trust you to keep me safe. It doesn't matter if they were created with evil, because you're so, so far from evil. You're not corrupting me just by being in my life. I promise.

Edited 2018-11-15 19:41 (UTC)

Yeah. Yeah, I do - I kept on telling him that I didn't want to assume, you know? That he'll get to that point of wanting at some point. But then he told me point blank I could, and basically should assume it's happening. So. Yeah.

[ And that was even before their confessions and some of the things they've done, and - yeah. Myung wants to tell Junsu, about the I love you's and the way it made his chest explode, but then Junsu talks again and Myung grins. ]

You got whisked away by both your boyfriends? Fuck me, you're lucky. Was it good?

[ A lot is coming out, just like that, the two of them sitting close in the treehouse, Kwang's little magical lights fluttering around them. So much is coming out, fears and worries and insecurities, and it feels - it feels reassuring, to be able to talk about it at all.

And it's reassuring, too, to hear Junsu say they'd talk. Kwang immediately relaxes, shoulders slumping a little, a tired, tiny smile appearing on his lips. At Junsu's next words, Kwang nods, his heart picking up speed at the mention of Ten. ]

That's - fair. That's more than fair. Lately, for me, it's only been you two, you know? Although I definitely like Bam a lot. But mostly, it's just been you two, and you've been more than enough for me.

[ It's not really something he thinks about that much. If he meets someone that does it for him, then fine, but he's not exactly searching for it, not when he is already so fulfilled.

Kwang wishes he could have reassured Junsu from the very beginning, but he knows things had to evolve the way they did - naturally, organically. They might have made mistakes in the way if they'd tried to go too fast. ]

It's not fucked up. I get it, and I wish I had known then that you felt this way. I knew there was... something, in the back of your mind, but I didn't want to rush. But I can protect more than one person at once if I need to. And you? From the moment I laid eyes on you for the first time, you were at the top of my list. And Ten, he just. He loves, very hard. And he thinks you're wonderful. Which is true, so I can't imagine you were that much of a dick to him. [ Kwang smiles a little bigger. ]

That's the thing, though, baby. I do want to give you everything. Absolutely everything, without reservations. I love you so much, you know?

[ It's utterly sincere, written all over Kwang's features, and in his voice too. He listens to what Junsu is saying, eyes taking him in, unable to move away, completely, entirely taken by how beautiful Junsu is, how soft his heart is. ]

Okay. Okay, then - I'm glad that you have him, too. I'm glad you don't get to feel this fear. But you know I'll drop everything to be there for you if you need me, right? Even if I'm with Ten, he would understand.

[ Kwang scoffs, amused, and waves a dismissive hand, before reaching for Junsu, tugging him closer, wanting them close, close, closer, wanting to feel all of Junsu pressed against him. ]

He's been fine. He's just - suspicious is a good word for it. I guess he sees me as competition, I guess, which is part of what worried me, but. To be fair to him, he's made an effort, to talk to me, and to be civil, if not outright friendly. So maybe we'll get there. You don't have to talk to him about me, I promise.

[ His smile slips away then, as he thinks back on what he is, what he does, what the wings do to him when he brings them out. ]

I'm not saying that to try and push you away. It's not that - I honestly don't know what I'd do without you in my life, at this point. It'd be like losing half of my heart, and I don't want that. I just - I just want you to know. There's a part of me that hates them, and there's a part of me that loves them, and there's a part of me that's seduced by what they can offer me. They're dangerous, for me, but also for you. So just - what I'm trying to say is stay vigilant, okay? If I'm ever acting unlike myself, in any way.

Of course it's happening. He didn't get sex ed for nothing! [ not to say... anyone who gets that education will want sex, but clearly dal had questions, and junsu might not have been there for the questions part of the ordeal at first but he was there when minsu explained.

dal was clearly curious. and wanting to know things so he could navigate this and do it in a safe and comfortable way.

his face softens at the mention of both boyfriends, and thinking back on his time with kwang. there were hot and heavy times, but also... a lot of things were said, and the air was cleared further between them even when junsu didn't think anything was muddled, so. it was really nice. ]

It was, yeah. We talked about a lot of stuff.

[ junsu's mind is going a mile an hour. he closes his eyes, frowning and thinking. if he tries and gets caught, his sentence will -- well, it's not like he has an actual sentence. the world is still being pieced back together, and laws aren't what they were. neither is justice.

so they could already keep him here forever. it wouldn't really make much of a difference. even if he's terrified.

he looks up, finds minsu's eyes. he keeps his voice quiet, barely above a whisper. ]

If you want to get out... and I use it and it works, they'll fix it. And you won't get to escape.

[ that won't do. junsu would be indebted to minsu for life, and unable to repay him. ]

We can plan together.

inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject