[ junsu takes in a slow, deep breath. he wants to address everything kwang is saying, and say what he has to say. this is an important conversation for them to have, and junsu is aware that it's significant for kwang to show himself like this to him, for him to share these things. he's always been straightforward and honest, but he doesn't think just anyone gets to see him worry about things like this.
so he wants to be good to him, and say all the right things. ]
Baby, if anything is going to change, it won't be because of what someone else thinks. And I would talk to you. I want you to know... I would talk to you, if I was scared, or my feelings were starting to change.
[ and that hasn't been the case. he loves kwang. kwang has taught him he can be worth more than he thought. ]
The only thing I've had on my mind is maybe just. Having enough. With you and Hojoon, and... [ quietly: ] Room for Ten, maybe. And Birdie, if they want.
[ it's already a lot of people. but he doesn't want more. it feels stilted and forced and weird, even. he might think someone's cute, but something has been holding him back, and he thinks it's this. the people in his life, his boyfriends, they're enough.
but kwang isn't wrong. ]
You're right that polyamory isn't — I've never done it before. I don't have a problem with it in and of itself, but I get... like you, it's the same. It's not rational, but I get scared. Less so now, but before, when he was your boyfriend and I wasn't, I thought — if something happens, it's him Kwang would protect first. I know that's fucked up of me. I'm not really good at keeping that to myself, though Ten thinks I've been so nice to him all this time and I really thought I was kind of a dick by trying to be as distant as possible.
[ that's why ten is good. or maybe junsu is too strict about his own behaviour. it's probably a mix of both. he squeezes kwang's hand, holding on. ]
And I guess I didn't... It was hard for me to deal with Minsu and Sage and then you and Ten. It was like someone else being chosen over me twice in a short time. [ he knows that's not really what it was with ten, since now it's different. but at the time... it threw him off, and it made him feel less special, less interesting, less loveable than ten was. he likes being someone's special person. ]
But it's not sharing you that bothers me. I'm happy you have someone else in your life that can make you happy. And you don't have to worry about giving me as much attention and devotion as someone else, I just want what you have to give me.
[ he tilts his head. he feels selfish, greedy, but maybe it can make more sense if he explains more. ]
Now that I have Hojoon, it's like... I'm less scared. Because even if I matter less, somehow, if things change, if you and Ten do things together and go away together. I'm not alone. I think that's what kept scaring me. Even if we're both your boyfriends, you could want to take Ten away and then I'd have no one. If you two were hanging out, I didn't have like. Someone else, you know? Not like that. But that's not true anymore.
[ he smiles, kind of shy. ]
Joon's... He's just suspicious. He's like an old man sometimes, he doesn't trust anyone or anything. But I want him to be nice to you, and if he's not, I'll talk to him.
[ he frowns and worries at his bottom lip, some of kwang's words coming back to him. he doesn't like those words. ]
Your wings are just part of you. You have never hurt me because of them, and I trust you to keep me safe. It doesn't matter if they were created with evil, because you're so, so far from evil. You're not corrupting me just by being in my life. I promise.
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so he wants to be good to him, and say all the right things. ]
Baby, if anything is going to change, it won't be because of what someone else thinks. And I would talk to you. I want you to know... I would talk to you, if I was scared, or my feelings were starting to change.
[ and that hasn't been the case. he loves kwang. kwang has taught him he can be worth more than he thought. ]
The only thing I've had on my mind is maybe just. Having enough. With you and Hojoon, and... [ quietly: ] Room for Ten, maybe. And Birdie, if they want.
[ it's already a lot of people. but he doesn't want more. it feels stilted and forced and weird, even. he might think someone's cute, but something has been holding him back, and he thinks it's this. the people in his life, his boyfriends, they're enough.
but kwang isn't wrong. ]
You're right that polyamory isn't — I've never done it before. I don't have a problem with it in and of itself, but I get... like you, it's the same. It's not rational, but I get scared. Less so now, but before, when he was your boyfriend and I wasn't, I thought — if something happens, it's him Kwang would protect first. I know that's fucked up of me. I'm not really good at keeping that to myself, though Ten thinks I've been so nice to him all this time and I really thought I was kind of a dick by trying to be as distant as possible.
[ that's why ten is good. or maybe junsu is too strict about his own behaviour. it's probably a mix of both. he squeezes kwang's hand, holding on. ]
And I guess I didn't... It was hard for me to deal with Minsu and Sage and then you and Ten. It was like someone else being chosen over me twice in a short time. [ he knows that's not really what it was with ten, since now it's different. but at the time... it threw him off, and it made him feel less special, less interesting, less loveable than ten was. he likes being someone's special person. ]
But it's not sharing you that bothers me. I'm happy you have someone else in your life that can make you happy. And you don't have to worry about giving me as much attention and devotion as someone else, I just want what you have to give me.
[ he tilts his head. he feels selfish, greedy, but maybe it can make more sense if he explains more. ]
Now that I have Hojoon, it's like... I'm less scared. Because even if I matter less, somehow, if things change, if you and Ten do things together and go away together. I'm not alone. I think that's what kept scaring me. Even if we're both your boyfriends, you could want to take Ten away and then I'd have no one. If you two were hanging out, I didn't have like. Someone else, you know? Not like that. But that's not true anymore.
[ he smiles, kind of shy. ]
Joon's... He's just suspicious. He's like an old man sometimes, he doesn't trust anyone or anything. But I want him to be nice to you, and if he's not, I'll talk to him.
[ he frowns and worries at his bottom lip, some of kwang's words coming back to him. he doesn't like those words. ]
Your wings are just part of you. You have never hurt me because of them, and I trust you to keep me safe. It doesn't matter if they were created with evil, because you're so, so far from evil. You're not corrupting me just by being in my life. I promise.